Racism has no place in our culture.
This shouldn't be a radical stance to take in 2022 and the fact that I have to start with that premise is concerning all on its own.
So, what happens when you are invited to one of the big events in a person's life but your child is not? Further, what do you do when the reason they aren't welcome is because of their skin color?
This was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) JusticeLears when they came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
"AITA for taking my Black son to my sister's wedding even though she didn't invite him?"
OP began with the background.
"My sister got married yesterday, I have a lot of siblings, they all have kids."
"All of my siblings got invitations for the whole family (so also kids), I just got an invitation for me (not my son, who is 9)."
"The other kids are all ages 2-16, so my son's age doesn't stand out or anything."
OP did give a possible reason and some evidence for the child's exclusion.
"My son is black though (from my first marriage) and I am white. My sister never liked broadcasting the fact that I have a black child, she never introduced him as her nephew etc."
"So when I found out my son was the only uninvited child of the family, I decided to take him with me."
"We went, my sister was furious. My son played with the other kids, they were all well behaved, one glass was broken while they were playing but that's all."
Later,
"After the reception my sister told me I ruined her wedding and especially her wedding pictures and that she doesn't want to see either of us again."
OP was left to wonder,
"Aita?"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for some outside opinions.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: ESH
Some held all parties responsible.
"ESH."
"Standing up against racism has many forms."
"In this case the most crucial way to be an anti-racist is to be the best ally you can be to your child."
"He is, incidentally, the only Black person in this story and the only person you're actually responsible for and ultimately accountable to."
"Protect your baby."
"Please take time to debrief with him and make sure he knows you're a safe person to talk to about this. Let him know that sometimes we make mistakes when we're trying to do the right thing."
"That the most important thing is him."
"There are coaches and therapists who specialize in helping White parents raising racialized children to do right by them."
"Maybe you could engage the services of one of them." ~ Hoistedonyrownpetard
"ESH."
"Your sister for being racist, and you for bringing a child into a situation where they could face violence for their skin color."
"You want to be defiant? dont go to the wedding of a racist." ~ your-yogurt
Others offered other ways that this could've been resolved.
"A no show to the wedding and letting the family know why the op did not go the wedding would be a bigger statement of the systemic racism that seems to run through the family." ~ Premodonna
"RSVP yes, then don't show."
"So they'll have paid for your food and booze."
"An itty bitty 'F*ck you' to the sister." ~ killbot0224
There were also concerns for the child's safety.
"A**holes are good at being sneaky. All other takes is 2 minutes alone in a hallway with no witnesses or waiting for a distraction to let a comment or two slip."
"Do you think the kid didn't notice that the bride excluded him?" ~ Ancient_List
There were personal stories too.
"'why would you bring your child to your racist sister's wedding?'"
"Mixed kid here (but 35 now)."
"You do children a disservice by hiding them from the world."
"They will enter it unprepared."
"Adversity in controlled circumstances (such as this case) will provide coping skills. OP's son should know his family and all that entails."
"My 2 cents." ~ marheena
"I'm a mixed kid and was the mixed kid being called slurs by actual full grown-*ss adult family members."
"I would have preferred to be protected 'hidden' from those family members as a child."
"I fully respect what you are saying, but at the end of the day, me being put in the situation and being verbally abused most of my life for being a half-black child."
"(I'm 37 now) is something I definitely could have done without and could have been avoided if my parents would have stopped taking me around certain racist family members." ~ Impressive_Drama_377
"I agree with this."
"The sister is the major a**hole and I would have disowned her long ago."
"But OP is as well for letting their rebellion potentially lead to their child being emotionally scarred by these racists."
"Why subject your child to this environment?"
"Does OP's parents and other siblings condone this racism? Seems like they do."
"Or they are probably racist themselves."
"Geez. Only person to root for here is the 9 year old boy."
"I hope his other side of the family is a good support system."
"And f*ck sister and her pictures." ~ 3rdCoastLiberal
There were many who wondered why OP went to the wedding at all.
"Tbh I find it mildly unsettling that she felt the need to bring her son into that racist environment and something about her need to mention that he was well behaved is rubbing me the wrong f*cking way."
"It sounds like she was trying to prove something to her sister with her 'well behaved' black son instead of protecting him from her garbage family. " ~ Virtual-Bus-3242
"N/T/A ESH -"
"Tell your sister GOOD that she doesn't want to see you again, because your son does not need her in his life and neither do you."
"She's blatantly racist and if she chooses to exclude, then she'll end up pushing away decent folk."
"EDIT to add:"
"But it would have been better to refuse the invitation since your son wasn't invited."
"Cut your sister off before the wedding rather than put your son in a position where he could've been hurt."
"I understand that in your view you probably just wanted to make him feel included by attending the wedding, but it could've gone so much worse for him if he became the target for any of your family's racism and discrimination."
"I'm glad the kids played well this time, but this wasn't the safest and most welcoming setting for him. And he deserves to only feel safe and welcomed by his family." ~ CrimsonKnight_004
Some felt OP let their son down.
"I usually lurk, but this is particularly egregious and needs a comment."
"I agree."
"I would say E S H, but this seems like normal behavior for your sister since you said she's never introduced him as her nephew."
"So OP, YTA for knowingly putting your son in a hostile, racist environment and not cutting your sister off sooner."
"Your son is a human being with feelings."
"He is not a prop for you to self-righteously parade around racists just to prove a point."
"It doesn't make you better than the racists."
"Be better to your son and don't do that again."
"Protect him from being placed in situations that are potentially dangerous for him (mentally as well as physically)."
"He doesn't need to be around your sister, and he deserves a mother who doesn't unintentionally dehumanize him by parading him around places he's not wanted just to prove a point."
"That's not how you fight racism."
"You should've called her out on her racism and cut her out of your life long before it escalated to her thinking she could blatantly exclude him and only him from a major event."
"Keep him away from your sister and anybody who defends her behavior."
"And do better to your son."
"You may not mean to hurt him intentionally, but continuing to react to racism in a way that requires you to put him in potential harm's way instead of protecting him is going to have a negative impact on him at some point."
"I'm biracial and I'm thankful my dad had the wherewithal to cut my racist family members off when they started treating me like an extraterrestrial instead of parading me around family functions and further exposing me to harm. I can't say this enough."
"Do better, OP." ~ Acceptable-Trick1685
"Yes, YTA, altho not as big a one as your sister."
"Obviously, she's trash."
"But what you did wrong was bring a little boy to a wedding where he wasn't welcome."
"Again, this is on her, but it could have played out much, much worse than it did."
"You were using him as a pawn to get back at your sister. What if one of those kids had repeated racist crap they'd heard from others? Or worse?"
"There's all sorts of ways you can get back at your sister, but leave your son out of it." ~ maricopa888
Racism does not belong in any modern culture.
It has no place in a wedding, or birthday party or weekend cookout.
While we must be actively anti-racist we cannot forget that we aren't showing up for an idea but for people.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp