Parents doing whatever it takes in their child's best interests can sometimes come off as overbearing.
Redditor toothrowaway1199 is a parent who with their husband promised to pay for their 18-year-old son's college tuition in addition to other means of financial support.
Recent events, however, made the parents reconsider extending a lifeline to their son.
Not sure of whether they're doing the right thing, they visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit and asked:
"AITA for not supporting my son anymore because of his new girlfriend?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My son is 18m and we've promised to pay for his college, we gave him a car (my husband owns it though) and we've put some money away for him after he graduates to help get in his feet. And we support him when it comes to food and bills."
"He moved in with his girlfriend a couple months ago and we hadn't met her, we thought it was a bit weird and fast, but that was all, presumably, these were two teenagers we were talking about. Then we met her."
"She's 28 female. My son is very handsome, but also very much looks like a teenage boy, he's often mistaken for a 16yo. No almost 30yo should be into him."
"And that's just his appearance, he acts like a teen boy too."
"As soon as the situation was clear I told her to leave. My husband and I talked to him and told him she was too old for him, and that he was in a bad situation, but he got really defensive and left."
"We've talked to him multiple times about it and my husband is ready to take action, we told him we wouldn't pay for his education, withhold all his money, we took the car back, and stopped giving him cash/supporting him."
"We hate to do this, and I'm not 100% sure we're doing the right thing AITA (we)?"
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Judgements were all over the place.
"So you've taken all his support and increased the likelihood that he will become financially dependent on this older woman. You have the right to withdraw funds. Technically, he is an adult."
"However, by punishing him you're just going to push him away. If this woman does turn out to be bad news he won't have you to turn to for help if he finds himself in a bad situation that he lacks the maturity or resources to get out of." – joanclaytonesq
"I would continue to fund the education but stop supporting some of the bills. That way they are not cutting him off completely, he is not dependent on the predator and at the same time there is a clear message that they don't support his relationship."
"I would even let him keep the car with clear instructions that if she drives it, it will be considered theft as she does not have their permission to drive their car."
"Continuing to fund his education also tells him that while the parents are currently unhappy, they've not abandoned him and will be there should things fall apart with his gf."
"In fact, I would explicitly convey this - that 'we still love you and will always be there should you come to us, but we can't honestly support this relationship because we are concerned that it is not healthy for you.'" - nutwit9211
"That big of an age gap between a teenager and a grown woman is suspect. I agree continue paying his education pay it directly to the school. If he has decided to move in with her and they're having a relationship you can't stop them but you shouldn't financially support them either they're grown-ups they wanna do grown-up things they need to pay for it."
"But don't give him the education money pay it directly to the school 18-year-old boys are gonna be 18-year-old boys." – Dramatic_Chocolate53
"It's a legit concern. Fortunately it's an old one we know how to address - the prodigal son approach."
"Keep contact with him, don't alienate him - he's not a bad kid or person, and you're not forcing him to do anything; you just want what's best for him. Stress incessantly - way more than you'd think necessary - that you still love him, he's still your son, and you are ready to welcome him back with open arms, and continue your generous financial support of him, once he puts himself back on track."
"Maybe we're all wrong and it's true love. If that's the case, then the parents will (hopefully) notice eventually and thaw on their position (this is another reason to maintain contact with him, in case you're wrong)."
"More likely he'll come to his senses eventually and return to the very comfortable lifepath his parents envision for him, and this will become but a brief blip of memory that nobody gives much thought to." – PabloPaniello
"NAH."
"You're not an a**hole for wanting to protect him. He's also not an a**hole for being in a manipulative, potentially unsafe, relationship. Unfortunately your actions are likely to alienate him and push him closer to her though." – usernamefiend
"i would also say YTA for cutting off all support for a daughter in an exploitative situation. i don't think they're TA for not supporting the relationship, i think they're TA for abandoning their son when they know he's in a dangerous situation." – Dry_Marzipan7811
"Keep paying for his education so he has a way to get a job if he needs to leave, his car so he can, let him have his money that's his, and move to supporting him emotionally (keeping in touch frequently but not trying to convince him to leave) while putting the financial contributions he would have gotten into an emergency savings account."
"If it is an abusive situation, OP has just told their son that he can't come home or use their resources if he's not in a good way. Their actions leave him more vulnerable to abuse and control." – agoldgold
"I would still say YTA if the parents were forcing their 18 year old daughter to rely on a 28 year old man financially wtf. do you actually think taking away all support and severing that sense of trust will help the son (or daughter if roles were reversed) get out of this situation instead of moving further into it?" – badabingbadaboom3
"Their actions are likely to push him further into a dysfunctional relationship. They're doing the exact opposite of what they think they are. What happens if he drops out of school because he can't afford it, then ends up financially dependent on this girl?"
"Honestly... The ages are very suspicious, but they're both consenting adults, and his parents need to stop trying to control him. The relationship, if it's abusive, should be determined as such based on actions and not ages."
"And for that reason, YTA." – opinionreservoir
"NTA. If he can't support himself with his girlfriend, then he shouldn't have moved in with her. He's still a kid with mommy & daddy paying his bills."
"But slightly the AH for not paying for his education, if you are able to & after saying that you would. I would limit all of the other funding & keep the car, but still make payments to the school for his education."
"ETA: While, yes, the parents are concerned about the age gap and that was what set them off, they are still supporting their son financially. If he wants to be an adult in an adult relationship, he needs to be supporting himself."
"He moved in with her while his parents are paying for his living expenses. And they have a right to cut him off. If he was living with them, in a dorm, or in an apartment that they pay for, then certain 'rules' would apply. A paid for car, education, and living expenses are worth way more in the long run than a relationship."
"My grandparents set aside certain rules for me and my siblings when they paid for our cars, education, and living expenses. So worth it and their "not approving of certain relationships" at the time." – Purple-Mermaid-1967
"YTA you've now taken all of his financial support and he's dependent on her…so this will turn out exactly how you feared and you may not even know it when it happens."
"The reality is they're adults and you agreed to support him, as long as he's going to school then what's the real issue? Support him the way you were, be open and if he gets himself into a situation you'll be close enough to help him figure it out." – QuitaQuites
"NTA. If you keep giving money, you lose. If you stop giving money, you may win."
"Without your financial support, she may lose interest in him because she has to finance everything, so it's the safest action to take."
"Make sure to tell him he can always return home when this doesn't work out."
Overall, Redditors remained polarized over the debate about the age gap in the relationship.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp