We are in a bad place when it comes to addiction and drugs.
It's a serious epidemic.
And the rise in pill addiction is rampant.
So we of course want to stay vigilant for our loved ones.
But there are definitely ways that will more alienate loved ones than help.
Case in point...
Redditor crackheadsexual wanted to discuss his story for some feedback. So naturally he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for telling my parents to return my meds or I'll file a police report?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (21 M[ale]) had a surgical removal of a cyst this afternoon."
"Mine had a pretty nasty infection, so it had to be removed ASAP."
"I went to the hospital with my fiancé (19 M), and my parents (62 M) (57 F[emale])."
"Everything went very smoothly thankfully."
"But as my parents were driving me and my fiancé back to our apartment, we got into a discussion about the medication I was prescribed."
"Now, my parents are paranoid when it comes to anything addictive."
"I don't blame them."
"I'm aware that hydrocodone is incredibly addictive, and am wary of it myself."
"They straight up told me that I shouldn't take it at all, and just take Tylenol and Ibuprofen."
"I told them I'd rather have the medication I was prescribed just in case my pain got bad once the hospital meds wore off."
"I wasn't allowed to drive after my surgery, so they were supposed to pick up my medication for me."
"Well, they did. But with two of my hydrocodone pills missing."
"Well. that's fishy. And annoying. I texted my mom basically asking where the pills went."
"She didn't respond so I kinda forced it by telling her i'd have to report the pharmacist if it wasn't her."
"She said, 'I took the other 2 and, I took them because that's all you can legally have and drive (fiancé) to work tomorrow.'"
"And then 'Ok?' Wow."
"I had set money aside for him to be able to get an Uber tomorrow if he needed to anyways."
"Which she would've known, had she talked to me about it or even brought up these concerns at all."
"I was pissed."
"I texted this huge paragraph that was basically saying either give them back or I'm filing a police report."
"That stealing hydrocodone was a felony."
"That I understand her fear but this was absolutely NOT the way to go about it."
"Forty minutes later I get a 'we're here' text and a pounding on my door."
"I waddle over and open, and my parents are standing in the doorway pissed as f**k."
"My dad starts by talking about how it was absolutely NOT okay to threaten legal action."
"And that I needed to apologize."
"He said it was his fault that no one talked to me about it, that he's sorry."
"But then goes on about a 5 minute rant of how I have an addictive personality."
"I was a smoker when I was 18 and smoked weed."
"How he's concerned for me."
"How he would NEVER use the law against me."
"That the surgeon is giving them out like candy, and that he's heard a lot of cases of people getting addicted to these and didn't want to risk it."
"I said that being concerned wasn't the issue."
"He couldn't take away my say on the situation."
"He couldn't just steal pills from me just because he's scared."
"At the very least he should discuss his concerns with me like an adult."
"He did not like that."
"He played this game of keep away with the bottle."
"Holding it out to me and then yanking it away to say more to me."
"Just kept arguing. I got them back after a lot of fighting."
"Am I wrong here?"
"I need to know I didn't overreact."
"AITA?
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
It's a tricky situation.
Let's hear some thoughts...
"NTA. The fact that you think you might be means his gaslighting is working."
"They stole from you, lied to you and tried to manipulate you and then tried to punish you for your completely normal response." ~ Radley500
"I would contact the doctor or pharmacy and mention tampering concerns (from the parents)."
"Maybe they could check them or switch them."
"I am also very paranoid when it comes to parents pulling crap like this, from my own experiences." ~ PatchworkGirl82
"Absolutely this. /u/crackheadsexual, take the pills out of the bottle and Google whatever is written on them to make sure that what is in the bottle is actually your medication."
"Unfortunately, they could have tampered with them in other ways, like freezing."
"That would not be apparent, but do your due diligence, and if something is wrong, tell the cops first. NTA." ~ cmlobue
"They also behave as if they care for OP, but put him to this stress after surgery and go to his door rant to him for over 5 minutes."
"If you get something like hydrocodone, the expected pain can be bad."
"And this pain medication works different than ibuprofen."
"You also don't get addicted from two pills."
"OP, you really should stop the contact with your parents."
"They are addicted to the power over you. NTA." ~ EvilFinch
"I'm sorry, but you need to report your parents regardless of whether they returned the proper medicine to you or not."
"The fact of the matter is that they stole a controlled substance with intent."
"In addition, they still tried playing their little mind games with you, by making it your fault when clearly they stole a controlled substance that was prescribed in your name."
"That's enough to put both of them in jail. That's a felony."
"Your parents should not touch your prescriptions any more."
"Your health care provider, and your pharmacist need to know this, or you could be in for a world of trouble."
"They need to make sure that you are taking the correct medication."
"Your parents could have given you anything." ~ MyTesticlesAreBolas
"NTA - Surgeons are absolutely NOT just handing opiates out like candy."
"In fact, many chronic pain patients are now having great difficulty getting meds due to the doctors reluctance."
"I got Hydrocodone when I had my gallbladder out a few months ago and never ended up taking them (former addict, scared to relapse)."
"But I'd have been PISSED if someone took that choice away from me." ~ notlucyintheskye
"I'm a chronic pain sufferer and I'm on opioids for it."
"Even though I have never abused the meds or taken more than what is prescribed, I still get drug tested every once in a while."
"I was switching types of meds a few months ago and the current meds had to be destroyed before they would send the prescription for the new meds to the pharmacy."
"They didn't have the meds I needed in stock so I had to go cold turkey for the weekend."
"It was very painful."
"NTA - but your parents are."
"Not everyone becomes addicted."
"If I had a better way to manage my pain, I could quit opioids tomorrow and never look back." ~ChaosIsMandy
"NTA. They are your meds, not his."
"They were prescribed by your doctor in the numbers you were supposed to have received."
"He stole them because he wanted to substitute his agency for yours."
"That's not okay, and it's entirely reasonable to demand them back -- including threatening to involve the law if necessary."
"He just complained because he didn't like it that you won this one and he had to give them back." ~ VoyagerVII
"NTA: He can use your supposed addictive past against you but you can't file a completely valid police report against them for stealing narcotics?"
"BTW, what was the point of taking just TWO of the hydros from you?"
"What was that going to accomplish?"
"Nope. You're NTA."
"I worked as a pharmacy tech and we had several customers who tried to get their drugs ahead of the 30 day limit for refills."
"One time, a woman tried to tell us that her kids were stealing her Oxy's from her so that she could get them refilled a week after she'd gotten her monthly refill."
"My pharmacy manager told her 'Come back with a police report and I'll be happy to do give you a new bottle.'"
"You can imagine we didn't see the patient until her next monthly script came in."
"You didn't overreact."
"If you were addicted to cigarettes you'd still be smoking them and marijuana is not a gateway drug." ~ blockparted
OP returned with some details...
"I want to thank you for asking these questions."
"I've had issues with my parents since I turned 13."
"Lots of public humiliation, lots of shame, lots of explosive outbursts over me not blindly doing what they say."
"While they can always turn it around and say they do what they do because they love me and want me to learn, it feels as if i am just an emotional punching bag for their own shortcomings."
"I'm going to process this all with my therapist tomorrow."
"But I appreciate your input on the situation, it really eases any guilt i was feeling."
OP you have your hands full.
Your parents have their hearts in the right place, but their execution needs work.
Hopefully your therapist will have some helpful ideas.
Feel better... on all fronts.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp