Jealousy can easily wreak havoc on a relationship.
But for one person Reddit, the jealousy between them and their boyfriend arose from an unexpected place--their relationship with their brother.
When their boyfriend became upset about the fact they had their brother listed as "my love" in their phone, they weren't sure how to handle it.
So they went to the AITA (Am I The A**hole subReddit for input.
The Original Poster, who goes by the username Substantial-End-4338 on the site, asked:
"AITA for having my brother saved as "my love" in my phone instead of my bf?"
He explained:
"This might sound stupid but my bf is very mad at me right now"
"Yesterday my bf, Micah(M[ale] 23) lost his phone and asked me if he can use my phone to call himself and find it. I gave it to him."
"Apparently he searched 'M' saw someone saved as 'my love' and thought that must be him."
"He called without checking the number just to find out that it was actually my little brother (M[ale] 10). he asked me why I have my little brother saved as 'my love' instead of him."
"I jokingly said it's because my brother is the true love of my life not him and he got very upset and called me an AH."
"He thinks it's inappropriate that I have my brother saved as my love and it should be him."
"He is not talking to me now. did I really do something wrong?"
People on Reddit were then asked to judge who was in the wrong in this situation based on the following categories:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
And though some understood why someone might think it's a bit strange, most agreed that OP had done nothing wrong and his boyfriend wildly overreacted.
"NAH, but that's so weird... Growing up I'd probably have my sisters saved as "Pain in the arse 1 and 2"." --Monicawroteitbetter
"I disagree. I don't think it's weird and and I think OP is NTA. Her brother is 10 so she likely feels almost like a second parent to him."
"She was probably too old when he was born for them to have the typical sibling clashes." --SandwichOtter
"Usually adult siblings cherish their little ones a lot more. It is quite different when you don't have to deal with them 24/7, gives you a chance to miss them." --AskMeAboutMyTabby
"There's a very large age gap between my older cousins and I (almost 15 years) so they liked to tease me by calling me a baby."
"As I got older and learned science terms I started calling them "fetus", "embryo" and "zygote" in retaliation (from youngest to oldest)."
"When I got a phone I saved them all in my contacts as "Cousin1-Zygote", "Cousin2-Embryo", and "Cousin3-Fetus" (replacing real names here with CousinNumber)."
"They all thought it was hilarious and those are still the names for their contacts to this day :)" --RubberDucky656
"It's different when the age gaps are large. I'm at least twenty years older than my little sisters and brother and I call them 'my love.'"
"They can technically be my kids lol it's just a sign of affection" --dessertandcheese
"Weird is a 23yo jealous of a brother and saying is inappropriate. If he doesn't have a brother or if he doesn't have a good relationship with his brother is HIS problem he was ridiculous" --StephDias
"Yeah I would also for my brothers but you have a different relationship when you are close in age."
"He's probably more hurt than jealous that he doesn't fulfill that role in her life. Maybe he's seeing that as him not being 'the one'." --CharmingComposer95
"I dont, personally, think it's weird."
"My own partner refers to my baby brothers as the love(s) of my life, and has told me before that he's fully okay with the fact that i will always see my babies as more important than him no matter what."
"Siblings with significant gaps tend to have a lot more of affectionate relationships" --PoisonNote
"I agree NTA. Boyfriend clearly has insecurities and needs to talk to a therapist. He shouldn't be getting jealous of her 10-year-old brother." --HoodRichPrick
"When there's a big age difference, as it sounds like there is, you have a totally different kind of relationship with your younger siblings."
"My brother who is a year younger than me? Totally would have been saved as 'PITA' in my phone when I was younger."
"But my baby bro? Who I half-raised simply because I'm over a decade older than him? 'My Baby.'" --Key_Ad_7611
"It is a bit odd for sure. I would probably name my siblings 'king a**hole' and 'okay I guess'."
"Then again, I did have my work number in my phone as 'my fu*king boss' and when said boss found out, I thought he was gonna die laughing."
"After that, a few times when he'd call he'd say 'seliKONIC! It's your fu*king boss.'" --seliKONIC
"This might be cultural. Hispanic here, definitely have used my love my baby etc for siblings. And in the same sentence said the complete opposite."
"It's what being a sibling is about. Cousins too. I get what you're saying. My wife is Scottish and we run into things like this where we do things or have been raised differently."
"NTA" --12345abcd1234
"NTA. It's a bit odd but still sweet that you refer to your little brother as 'my love.' Your BF sounds insecure with his demand." --ParsimoniousSalad
"NTA"
"And for the nickname why would it be weird or creepy? It's sweet and innocent stuff between siblings 🤔" --Beautiful-Chemist456
"I don't get why people think this is creepy. In the Uk it's quite common to refer to any loved one as 'my love' especially younger kids. It's a term of endearment."
"Unfortunately I think it's a case of people sexualising something completely innocent."
"Op NTA it's cute you love your brother that much!" --Mycatisabakedbean
"It sounds weird to me since I was always under the impression that 'my love' is only used for romantic partners but that may be wrong since english isnot my first language."
"On the other hand the whole using nicknames instead of proper names when saving numbers never really made sense to me either." --CrankMike
"Agreed. My niece and nephew are 25 and 21 respectively and I still tell them to their faces that they are the loves of my life. I also tell that to my boyfriend."
"A heart can hold much love. It's sweet and you've done nothing wrong. Your little brother is 10."
"NTA" --Lavender_Parabola
"All the people in this thread saying the name is weird are baffling to me, who hurt y'all ? I swear the US is dystopian sometimes."
"Obviously NTA and you can save your little brother under any harmless nickname you want." --Puzzleheaded-Shirt-4
"I think the phrase 'My Love' typically makes people think of romantic love, so their knee jerk reaction is 'Ew'.
"That being said, I've absolutely called kids 'My Love', so I don't think it's weird for OP to have her 10 year old brother saved that way."
"Her boyfriend needs to grow up and stop sexualizing the relationship." --aelizabeth27
"I think the US has many reasons to be called a dystopia, but cultural differences are not one of them."
"If someone introduces someone to you and says 'this is my love', you would absolutely assume they're meaning romantic partner, not a sibling."
"I dont find it creepy or weird, just unexpected." --StiffDock685
"I'm in the US and also wondering wth is wrong with all these people that's saying its weird.."
"I call everyone love, boo, sweetie all that not just a romantic partner, as do almost everyone else I know." --aSoulslowlyDying
"Ikr? This is so weird cuz i call all my loved ones 'my love'."
"For example when I'm talking to my best friend, I'd sometimes say 'how are you doing my love' there ain't nothing wrong with that. People are weird..." --laavuwu
"NTA. My little brother is saved in my phone as My Heart. He's my best friend in the whole wide world!!!" --YanaYellow25
"NTA. I find it weird that your boyfriend is jealous of your little brother. Is he always this insecure?" --dominiqlane
"NTA. Your boyfriend is jealous of your 10 year old brother, what does he think is happening? Tell him to get a grip." --linzzzzi
"NTA. 'My love' is not reserved for romantic or sexual relationships, plus the large age gap greatly changes the dynamic of the relationship [I have a sibling who is 17 years younger than I am]." --thedrlecter
"NTA - but I have to ask, were you a good bit older when he was born? It sounds as though there is probably a decent age gap between you and your baby brother."
"And if that's so, then I really can't find it particularly weird, because you would've had partial responsibility in the household for taking care of him."
"Sibling relationships with a considerable age gap can vary wildly in how siblings relate to one another, depending on whether they had a true sibling bond, or whether the older sibling was a caregiver and helped raise them."
"Anywho, I can understand why it would weird your boyfriend out, but his being upset that he isn't the center of your universe is a massive red flag." --CatteHerder
Hopefully OP's boyfriend can find a way to get over this.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp