The truth about why someone doesn't like another person back, can be a bitter pill to swallow.
Everybody wants to be liked.
And finding reasons why that doesn't happen can be simple, or heartbreaking.
But some basic truths can go along way.
Case in point...
Redditor lovepresevering wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA for telling my brother that his crush dislikes him because he's an a**hole, not because he's 'too smart'?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"So I have a younger brother (13) who is a child prodigy."
"I won't give too many details but he's well known in the academic circles of our country and attends an institute of higher education."
"Naturally people are impressed with his intelligence and he's quite popular and makes friends easily."
"Our parents dote on him and have never told him 'no.'"
"As a result he has become very arrogant, condescending and disrespectful to people he deems below him... that's just about everyone."
"Lately he's been openly talking about a girl he's crushing on and much to his dismay she's quite unimpressed with him."
"He often complains to my parents and I about his failed attempts to befriend her."
"I understand why she dislikes him."
"On one occasion he invited her over for a school project and I overheard their interaction."
"He was constantly talking over her, dismissing her ideas and even calling them stupid."
"99% of the time he was talking about himself and his accomplishments, being in news articles, his future plans are etc."
"The poor girl obviously seemed uncomfortable."
"He quizzed her about her career aspirations and when she answered he proceeded to point out it's a bad career path."
"Today he was once again complaining about her and said that she's obviously intimidated by his superior intellect."
"He claimed that all girls only like 'stupid guys' and that 'women are emotional.'"
"Sadly my parents agreed and kept assuring him that this girl is obviously uncomfortable with the fact he's so accomplished and awesome."
"After hearing this nonsense many times, I finally told him that his crush dislikes him because he behaves like an obnoxious, know-it-all a**hole."
"I explained that he'd probably have a chance if he showed some modesty instead of talking down on this girl so much."
"So my parents obviously think I'm an a**hole for saying this."
"They said that it was horrible of me to say this to a 13 year old and that he's just a child."
"I told them that he needs to realize that his personality is becoming a problem."
"And that his crush dislikes him because he's an AH, not because he's 'too smart.'
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA- you actually are doing him a favor for him to learn this lesson now."
"Your parent's are setting him up for failure."
"Regardless of intelligence and ability, a huge part of success is also likability and the ability to get along with others."
"I have seen several brilliant people get nowhere because of their complete lack of emotional intelligence." ~ genericname907
"Unless he has some serious ingenuity friends won't last long anyway."
"Many child prodigies that have this level of narcissistic tendencies ruin thier own opportunities in my experience."
"If he treats everyone like imbeciles he will at best end up like J.P. from Grandma's Boy."
"NTA the kid should learn how to be an emotional companion to those around him." ~ EmEmPeriwinkle
"No matter the age, when you have a crush on someone, you want to impress them."
"He's been told all his life that his intelligence is impressive - so he's using that to try and show her how amazing he is and what a great boyfriend he would be."
"He probably wouldn't use the same techniques with people he just wanted to be friends with."
"This sounds all like normal teenage (hell, even grown adults!) learning the dating world stumbling to me."
"NTA though."
"He needs to be told how he is perceived."
"Considering other viewpoints is a need in any form of analysis - whether scientific, philosophical, or psychological."
"Any sort of academic setting that he is in will demand this sort of analysis without dismissing anything out of hand."
"The parents dismissing it and trying to create a bubble around the teenager will only stunt his ability to grow into a well rounded academic, really." ~ isabelladangelo
"THIS If your parents could take a break from polishing his gold throne, maybe they'll stop enabling him to be so obnoxious."
"As he gets older, his arrogance will overshadow his intelligence. NTA." ~ REDDIT
"This is an excellent point."
"There are so many stories of child prodigies that don't really have any advantage over more normal people."
"Who by the time they're in their 20s or 30s never learned the social skills and work ethic that their 'less naturally talented' peers developed in the intervening years."
"Good social skills can often get you very, very far in ways that talent/raw ability can't." ~ zeezle
"I think the rational response to finding out your child is a prodigy is nervousness and a sense of heavy responsibility."
"It should be apprehended as a major challenge that will probably go off the rails if not treated with great care."
"It's like winning the lottery--if you just celebrate and don't treat it as the sensitive situation it is, you're going to mess it up and most people do."
"I can't think of many geniuses (or lottery winners) that seem like balanced, happy people, and that should be your priority for your child." ~ chrysavera
"Absolutely NTA... there's a great episode of Malcolm in the Middle that covers this (2 partner, I believe) where Malcolm is paired with a girl he likes for a scavenger hunt and they have their ankles tied together (like a 3-legged race)."
"She starts talking about a guy she likes and he assumes it's him and confesses he likes her."
"She tries to let him down gently but he won't let it go and keeps asking why she likes this other kid instead of him."
"And keeps talking about how dumb the other kid is... I believe a direct quote is 'he high fives people when they choose pizza toppings.'"
"Eventually she snaps and points out that he's a negative know-it-all and even though the other kid is dumb, he's nice and considerate and that's why she likes him.
I highly recommend you trick him into watching the episode, it should clear things up for him a bit. Maybe sit your parents down for that one too, because their setting your brother up to be a very poorly adjusted adult." ~ Cli4ordtheBRD
"He may have a high I[ntelligence] Q[uotient] but he has low E[motional] Q[uotient] and he will have difficulty having and keeping relationships because of it."
"My dad is a chemist and struggles with this constantly."
"His quote in his yearbook when he was valedictorian was 'Last year I was smart, but this year I have achieved perfection.'"
"It didn't go down well, he didn't have friends... and he is divorced and still single after 36 years."
"He has a few more friends now but he still has difficulty keeping them."
"Your parents are doing your brother a disservice not teaching him some humility. NTA." ~ Heyrik1
"Poor kid. The parents would do him good if they looked into the 'Gifted Kid burnout' phenomenon."
"So many smart kids are complimented so much on their ability to be naturally smart, rather than the effort they put in etc."
"At some point being gifted doesn't cut it and you need actual good techniques for studying etc."
"Which gifted kids often aren't taught and for long long time don't need."
"When their entire self worth is based on being effortlessly smart it's so easy for that to come crashing down the second they face difficulty, and cause some extreme burnout." ~ REDDIT
"NTA. Your parents are most at fault, however."
"They're raising a narcissistic monster."
"They need to teach him manners before it's too late." ~ REDDIT
"He's on the path of becoming an incel if he starts blaming the woman/lying about rejection."
"NTA. Best he's told like it is because if it progresses his mindset on the whole thing will get more damaging." ~ REDDIT
"If the OP's brother has been surrounded by admirers his whole life, and he has skipped a few classes to find his intellectual equals amongst much older children, he may well have problems with emotional intelligence and social skills."
"This is a huge and recognized issue with intellectually gifted children."
"On the one hand they are bored academically with their age peers, but on the other they miss out on emotional and social development if they skip ahead by more than one or two years."
"Has he had any social skills support?"
"He will need it."
"His special needs need to be addressed from every aspect, not just the intellectual, because after school/Uni, social and emotional skills become much more central to our lives."
"And to the life goals most people have, e.g. relationships, friends, children, etc. than intellectual skills."
"Which become more restricted to the work place and are not quite as extraordinarily seeming in adults as they were in a child."
"OP get your parents to read this thread and get him some help." ~ GlencoraPalliser
Well OP, Reddit is with you.
Sometimes some truth has to shared out loud.
Hopefully your parents also heard you.
Maybe it's time for some family therapy.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp