Spotlight sharing during a wedding is a HUGE no-no.
Most couples do not want to share their day.
They’ve put so much work into the event they want the focus.
But how far does that rule go?
Can people celebrate their own happiness in the time surrounding the wedding?
Or does everything stop until the happy couple is off on a honeymoon?
Case in point…
Redditor PeckingDuckling wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“WIBTA if I proposed to my girlfriend after my brother’s destination wedding?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My brother and my F[uture} S[isiter] I[n] L[aw] will have a destination wedding in the Philippines.”
“And they wanted us to fly in 2 days prior to their wedding day.”
“However, they’re not paying for any of our flights, hotel, food and etc.”
“My girlfriend grew up in the Philippines and moved to the U[nited] S[tates] of A[merica] at 13 (She’s 27 now), but hasn’t visited her home country at all.”
“She has told me she wanted to visit the country to pay respects to her late grandparents and to see the beaches again.”
“Well, since we’re there, we planned to extend our stay for another week or two after my brother’s wedding.”
“And during that time, I plan to pop the question (we’ve talked about marriage, and she gave me the okay sign to propose).”
“I was dropping off some stuff to my brother and future SIL, and my brother joked about me getting married.”
“I then mentioned to him that I plan to propose in the Philippines.”
“I explained that we’re extending our stay in the country and staying at a different island after the reception.”
“My brother was thrilled and promised not to let the beans spill.”
‘However, my future SIL overheard the conversation and screamed at me to not do that.”
“That the trip to the Philippines was all about their wedding, and I will be a major a**hole if I proposed.”
“My brother chimed and said I won’t be an a**hole, and it’s not like I’m proposing at their wedding/reception.”
“And might as well make use of the travel.”
“FSIL said that it would be taking away the attention from their wedding.”
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP would NOT be the A**hole.
“NTA- and please do it! It’s an amazing place and honors your GF’s heritage.”
“Best of luck and definitely take lessons from your brother. He sounds amazing.”
“There’s a great book I read years ago called seven principles to happy marriage by Dr. John Gottman.”
“And one that stuck with me is that one of the behaviors that can help make a positive, happy marriage is having someone who’s always willing to de-escalate the situation.”
“And it sounds like your brother has taken on that role, and it works well with your future SIL.” ~ Roadgoddess
“I have an aunt who is like your SIL.”
“Now, at 55 years old, she is still the same, and her husband is tired of her antics.”
“He doesn’t say much!”
“Your brother laughs and ignores, he stays quiet and ignores her.”
“But their marriage is an empty shell.”
“It’s India where divorce is a taboo, especially at 55 when my aunt has always been a homemaker.”
“So they are going through the motions of life.”
“Someone who is so toxic, nope, people are bound to break.”
“I sometimes wonder how people accept people into their life who can’t bring joy, not that I know your SIL!”
“Also, you are NTA!”
“I mean, it’s like your proposal was meant to be in the Philippines!”
“With her grandparents maybe? Cheesy and perfect.”
“Congratulations and best of luck.” ~ lollipop_laagelu
“Didn’t really want to pile on OP’s brother since they seem to think they’ve got it handled, but this sounds so much like my mom and dad.”
“She’s STILL bat sh*t crazy at almost 85 years old, and my poor dad (and ME!) has had to deal with that nonsense for decades.”
“I remember my mom pulling the ‘I’m leaving you’ BS on the highway a few times.”
“He pulled over and opened her door without saying a word.”
“She shut up really quickly.”
“I’ve often wondered what his life could have been if he hadn’t had to cope with her nonsense.”
“She always complains that he ‘disappears’ on her (like leaves for lengthy Home Depot trips, lol), but I totally get it.”
“I can only deal with her for short periods of time.” ~ Open_Dragonfruit_304
“NTA if you wait til a few days after.”
“And I feel sorry for your brother.”
“His future wife sounds like a piece of work.” ~ mizzoug15
OP responded…
“I’ve talked to him about her theatrics.”
“He said she has a lot of good qualities, and she gets caught up in her own world and lets her mouth go wild.”
“She doesn’t think before speaking.”
“He said he knows she expresses her disagreements through her theatrics.”
“They’re both working on that aspect, and he mentioned she’s asking him for help as well as a therapist.”
“My brother has mentioned not to worry about him too much, and he said he’s happy with her despite her overdramatic stuff.”
“‘If she makes a scene without a Damm good reason, I’ll just laugh at her and won’t take it seriously.'”
“‘If she brings it up by calmly talking about it, I’ll even force Jesus to listen.'”
“‘I’ve told her she’s free to leave if she doesn’t like this method.'”
Reddit continued…
“I have a friend like SIL.”
“She’s been married to the same guy for 23 years, and he is absolutely in love with her.”
“They make it work.”
“OP, ignore the comments saying your brother needs to run.”
“AITA is mainly teenagers and doesn’t understand anything outside of black or white feelings.”
“Also, that’s not what you are asking.”
“OP, you are NTA.”
“Don’t let SIL’s actions prevent you from doing what you want.”
“If she is that dramatic and wants to learn how to not be, she is most likely going to be able to get over this.”
“Sounds like she reacts without thinking first.”
“I was the same way, but I worked on that, and now I don’t respond until I process what is happening and how I want to respond.” ~ jrae0618
“How long have they been together?”
“I have a GORGEOUS friend who sounds a lot like your future SIL.”
“Her husbands all said the exact same thing your bro does when they were dating.”
“Husbands, you ask?”
“By 32 she had 3 divorces under her belt.”
“Because people got tired of her sh*t, and fast.”
“Your brother is youthful and probably healthy.”
“A lifetime of this will rob him of both those qualities, and it will likely not be a long time before he’s tired of constantly running interference for his wife and letting her use him as her verbal punching bag.”
“And if they plan to have kids?”
“Very slim chances they don’t grow up incredibly damaged and/or traumatized, or they grow up to be mini nightmare versions of her.”
“He tells you not to worry, but you are 100000% right to worry about him.”
“Also NTA for proposing while they’re away on their honeymoon.”
“Man OP I know a Reddit thread will change nothing. It’s just so sad any adult here can see the writing on the wall, and your brother is committing himself to a tough life.”
“Here’s to hoping he sees that before taking the plunge.” ~ DirtThat4303
“NTA. It may sound bad, but I would suggest ‘giving’ into her request, and telling her she is right and YTA.”
“Still propose after her wedding and they are gone.”
“Maybe this way it will prevent her from trying to sabotage your proposal.” ~ kreigan29
“NTA and this.”
“Wait until a few days after to propose and maybe wait until their honeymoon is over to tell everybody.”
“That way, the wedding period is officially done.”
“People sometimes believe their wedding is the center of everyone’s year… which is not.” ~ daskleinemi
“NTA as long as it’s during the week with just the two of you.”
“Sure, your GF would love to engage in the country she came from.” ~ oaksandpines1776
“Oh, I forgot the rule where if you get married, you will now own the exclusive rights to that location.”
“No one else is allowed to have a special moment there because then when she tells her wedding story someone else can be like, ‘Oh we got engaged there too.'”
“The audacity!”
“Get out of here with that childish behavior. YWNBTA.” ~ addictedtodesserts
OP came back with an update…
“FSIL apologized for what she said and said it’s okay as long as I promise not to do it during the reception or wedding.”
“Also, don’t worry about my brother too much; they’ve been together for ten years, and he knows what he tolerates and doesn’t.”
“He said he’s happy.”
“I see him happy.”
“My FSIL can be a bit too much because she makes everything dramatic in her head.”
“She’s gotten A LOT better as the years go by and actually knows how to apologize.”
Well, OP, it sounds like all is well.
Reddit clearly had your back.
Good luck to you and the happy couple.
Have a great time!