Content Warning: Struggles with Infertility, Mom-shaming
No two mothering journeys are exactly the same, and honestly, there's something really beautiful about that.
But there will always be someone who insists that their way of parenting is superior, while others should probably just sit this one out, side-eyed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Thin-Masterpiece2750 struggled for years to have a baby, and after treatments and surgeries, she'd never been able to have a baby and planned to adopt next.
When her younger sister got pregnant and let slip that her older sister would never be a 'real mom,' the Original Poster (OP) was shocked and didn't want to be involved in her sister's pregnancy journey any longer.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for refusing to go to my sister's baby shower after she told me I'll never be a 'real mom'?"
The OP was willing to do whatever it took to have a child.
"I've (33 Female) spent the last five years trying to become a mom. Three failed rounds of IVF, multiple surgeries, hormone treatments, and more heartbreaking phone calls than I can count."
"My husband and I finally decided to adopt, not as a backup plan but as our next choice."
"I'm excited, but the grief from infertility doesn't just go away. You just learn how to carry it without letting it swallow you."
The OP was excited and supportive of her sister getting pregnant.
"My younger sister (29 Female) is pregnant. First try. Everything went smoothly. She glows in every ultrasound photo."
"The family is over the moon. I've tried to be happy for her."
"I helped her set up her baby registry. I sat with her through every pregnancy rant. I liked her bump photos on social media while quietly dealing with my own ache."
It soon became clear that the OP's sister did not feel equally supportive of her.
"Then, at a family dinner, someone asked me how the adoption process was going."
"I started to answer, and my sister cut me off mid-sentence. She laughed and said, 'It's not like you'll really know what it's like. You're not going to be a real mom.'"
"I froze. My chest felt tight. She brushed it off right away and said she didn't mean it like that and that it was a joke."
"But it didn't feel like a joke. It felt like something she already believed, and it slipped out."
"I left early that night and sat in my car for a long time and cried harder than I had in months."
The OP did not feel comfortable being involved in the festivities after what was said.
"When her baby shower invite came, I didn't RSVP. She messaged me and asked why."
"I told her the truth and that I couldn't celebrate motherhood with someone who didn't believe I'd ever really be a mother."
"Now my mom's upset. She says I'm making things uncomfortable and that my sister was just joking and didn't mean it."
"But slips like that come from somewhere. They show what someone really thinks, even if they didn't mean to say it out loud."
"I've fought for years to become a mom. I've carried pain, disappointment, and hope through every step. And with one careless sentence, my sister reduced all of it to nothing."
"I don't feel like I should show up for someone who can't see the battle I've fought just to get this far."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were immediately disgusted with the OP's sister and mother.
"Your sister is an a**hole. Your mother is an a**hole. Anyone who says adoptive moms are not 'real moms' is an ignorant a**hole. You are NTA."
"I'm sorry for the grief you're dealing with, and I wish you all the luck with your adoption journey." - Seamore_J_Turtle
"How was it a joke? How was it supposed to be funny? I'd want the answer to those questions before I even considered going near that shower." - Dimityblue
"NTA. I'm one to take dark jokes, but this wasn't that. I'm so sorry."
"Obviously, you felt the angst going through this with her while knowing you never could in your past attempts. She knows too. You'd dealt with it gracefully, and for this to be how she frames and brings it up… it's no joke, it just goes to show what she thought of it. A pitiful thing she can scoff at and make light of."
"This isn't a 'I'm the X sister and she's the Y sister' (like. beauty and brains, athletic and artsy, etc.) you can flippantly make light of after years of acknowledgment and mutual support. She just said this, in that moment, her mind couldn't let you have that moment to share your parenting journey without mocking/dismissing it."
"Sorry, I'm not making you feel better, but I totally get why you'd rather not go anymore. Knowing you didn't get sympathy all along, just this mocking sense of superiority, from your own sister."
"It's fine she doesn't get the battle (I'm sure you were glad she won't have to experience that), but to dismiss and mock it is not supportive of you and you've been supportive all the way (not made it about you)." - mayfeelthis
"NTA. Your sister is cruel and thoughtless. I hope she develops some empathy and kindness before this baby is born."
"For me, it would be no contact moving forward. Maybe entertain a sincere apology, but it would be hard for me to believe it."
"I definitely wouldn't let her around my child. Can you imagine the cruel and thoughtless things she could say in front of or directly to your child? About you as a mother? About their 'place' in the family?"
"You made nothing uncomfortable. Your sister created this situation because she's just a heartless, cruel person. Tell your mom I said as much!" - KindlyCelebration223
"Why is it always the wronged party that is accused of making things uncomfortable? Your sister is an a** and acted like one. Tell your mother that strangers on Reddit have more sense than she does."
"You have every right to be offended and hurt. I wouldn't want that sister around any child who is lucky enough to be adopted into your family. She's horrible! NTA." - lauriepas
"NTA and how dare they? OP, I am so sorry for all that has happened. But your sister and mom showed you who they are. Believe it and listen."
"They don't get to celebrate your adoption, spend time without you with your new child, etc. Not without some steep reflection and apologies!" - Civil_Environment858
Others reassured the OP that she would absolutely be a mother when the time came.
"NTA... Giving birth doesn't make you a mother. Unconditional love and selflessness make you a mother." - RedheadedChaos1102
"NTA. You deserve to be a mom, and I'm sure you'll be amazing! With a mother as insensitive as her, I worry for this child. Family isn't just blood; it's love." - Icy-Foundation-2333
"You will be a great mom when you are. You will be better than your mother, who is failing you by pandering to your sister. Your sister is a shallow, vainglorious, self-absorbed b***h who should have her mouth washed out with soap."
"You have every right not to go to the shower. I wouldn't be surprised if she said nasty things there, too. Your mother needs to be told that you being your sister's doormat is not the price of her comfort and that she's failed you." - Flat-Style-7877
"NTA… and also, many people give birth to children and are never real mothers. It's what you do with motherhood, THAT is what will make you a mother."
"Sending you a ton of love." - Key-Cheesecake3529
"NTA. Your sister is an awful human for even thinking that. I went through secondary infertility, and it was awful. I can't imagine how hard it would be on the first person."
"It is so hard mentally and emotionally. Not to mention it is physically demanding with all of the shots/pills you have to take."
"Adoption also makes you a real mom. I don't care. You are showing how big your heart is to open it to a kid(s) you didn't give birth to. Not all people are able to do that."
"If she is too close-minded to see that, then maybe you should go low contact, or none at all, for your mental health." - Either-Challenge4253
"You totally will be the real mom of your child. But your 'sister,' with her attitude, jokes, and supporters, could cause real harm to your child and marriage."
"Go NO-CONTACT and totally permanently BLOCK her and her supporters on EVERYTHING. Your REAL family and friends will be on YOUR side. And they will welcome YOUR child with open arms."
"Blood doesn't make the family. Love does. NTA." - Responsible-Kale-904
"NTA. Infertility is such an isolating experience. Your sister has seen you go through these struggles for years. I can't imagine having someone say something so hurtful to such a tender and vulnerable part of my life. Protect yourself."
"And I wish you the best of luck in your adoption journey! You have fought so very hard to be a mom. You will be an amazing mom! The mommest mom of all moms." - NoRecommendation1849
The subReddit was disgusted by the statement that the OP's sister made and the fact that the OP's mom was defending her sister's "joke" instead of the OP's pain.
The best thing the OP could do was surround herself with people who loved and supported her, her partner, and her future children, no matter how they came together. Otherwise, there was no telling what other "jokes" would circulate about the OP's motherhood or her child's "place" in the family.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp