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Woman Balks After Friend Encourages Her To Reconcile With Estranged Mom For Mother’s Day

Two women argue in a kitchen

CW: Abuse, suicide. 

It’s never an easy decision to cut someone out of one’s life, especially if it’s family.

Blood does not have to mean forever.

Nobody is trying to be petty or vindictive.

But sometimes the healthiest thing to do is choose oneself over everyone and everything.

That doesn’t always read well to the outside world.

Case in point…

Redditor OwnthrowawayFish3496 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.

She asked:

“AITA for using my friend’s ‘logic’ against her and making her cry?”

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

“I (36 F[emale]) went no contact with my narcissistic family last year as I was done being their scapegoat.”

“My friend was encouraging me to ‘call my mother and reconcile for Mother’s Day’ and I explained (again) the emotional and mental abuse I went through and her refusal to take accountability or seek therapy.”

“She then lectured me on how ‘it’s hard being a parent’ (she’s a parent I’m not) and that ‘as the eldest, you should’ve helped your mother around the house more and with your younger siblings.'”

“And that ‘I should let bygones be bygones and call my mother for Mother’s Day.'”

“I told her ‘So you think if I had done more chores and accepted more parentification as a kid then I wouldn’t have been abused?'”

“‘If it’s too hard to be decent to your kids then you shouldn’t be a parent.'”

“‘Maybe you should’ve helped your abusive ex-husband around the house more.'”

“‘Maybe you shouldn’t have had dinner 10 minutes late, because you know his job is stressful and it’s hard being a provider and father.'”

“‘Next month is Father’s Day you should call and reconcile with him.'”

“‘How could I as a child stop the abusive behavior of an adult when as an adult you couldn’t stop your husband from abusing you.'”

“She cried and walked off.”

“Our mutual friends agree she was wrong to pressure me to reconcile with my mother, but she ‘meant well and didn’t understand, and you took it too far.'”

“I did it to make a point on how abuse isn’t okay from anyone, even your parents.”


Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.

“NTA. I hate people like that.”

“I have a strained relationship with my mother as well, and it f**king grinds my gears when someone tells me I HAVE to make up with her because she’s my mom.”

“Friend needs to get out of her bubble and realize some parents just aren’t good parents.”

“However, it is heartbreaking to know so many of us have estranged relationships with family members.”

“Hope everything works out in the end for u all!”

“Y’all should never feel ashamed for cutting toxicity out of your life.” ~ SnooDoodles1384

“I gave birth to a child that I placed for adoption because my husband-at-the-time was an abusive alcoholic.”

“I expect no respect, sympathy, or gratitude from that child as they grow up.”

“They know who I am and how I relate to them, and there are no issues currently, but I firmly believe that kid owes me nothing.”

“I made a decision for me that was the best decision I knew how to make at that time, but that doesn’t obligate them to feel grateful to me.”

“I hope that kid doesn’t grow up and find themselves in a similar situation where they understand why I made that decision.”

“You owe the people who birthed you nothing.” ~ No_Hospital7649

“It drove me insane when people would tell me, ‘He’s your father, give him another chance.'”

“Why?! Why, do I, the child, who did nothing but be born, need to be the one to try and fix things?”

“Especially since the abuser is never actually sorry, usually just playing the victim for people and will continue their behavior if you do reenter a relationship.”

“I caved to pressure for years to occasionally see my father only to be burned every single time.”

“Eventually, he committed suicide, and I thought I was finally done with people making shi**y, uninformed remarks. Nope.”

“People will still say it’s too bad I couldn’t reconcile, or do I wonder if that would’ve made a difference? No.”

“He was mentally ill and no longer able to control anyone. RAGE.”

“OP, you are NTA.”

“Your friend was out of line, and what you pointed out was 100% valid.”  ~ Relevant-Ad6288

“I hate that ‘give them a chance!’ sh*t.”

“What do you think people like us have done all their life?”

“How many chances are we supposed to give abusers before we’re allowed to say we’re done?”

“How many times do we have to excuse the verbal abuse, hide the scars and subject ourselves to people who don’t deserve the gift of love?”

“And then there’s the flip side to that.”

“When you’re in an abusive relationship, people scream about leaving even if they know it’s hard to do so.”

“‘Why don’t you just leave?’ is constantly thrown in victim’s faces.”

“You’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t.”

“My birth giver never understood why I cut her off.”

“Even now, she claims it’s because I can’t let things go and sh*t like that.”

“In reality, I was sick of being The Child Called It, and I was going to make damn sure I was the last victim of my family’s generational abuse.” ~ s-milegeneration

“Agreed, NTA.”

“Added bonus points for being in the same position as OP here.”

“Having someone tell you that the abuse was your fault and that you should’ve done A/B/C to ‘stop’ it.”


“Seriously, I believed some of these morons and went through more hell for more years before I understood that some people just don’t get it at all.”

“The victim is not to blame for the abuse. Period. End of story.”

“I do NOT care how ‘hard’ parenting is.”

“There are plenty of parents who have it hard WHO DON’T ABUSE THEIR KIDS.”

“OP, full congratulations for how you handled it.”

“Hopefully, she gets it now.”  ~ Warriorwitch79

“Blood does not make a parent.”

“And it’s easy for someone who has not experienced the abuse of a parent that is supposed to love and nature you who will NEVER take responsibility for what they did to say, ‘It’s your mother and you should try to reconcile.'”

“It is no one place to tell you how to cope with an abusive parent.”

“Your friend has to deal with her own abuse in order to relate to yours.”

“Until she does, she won’t understand.”

“It appears she suffered as well.”

“I hope she will get the help she needs. NTA.” ~ ckm22055

“I totally agree although it just makes me sad.”

“My mother had a sister who went to No contact when I was one.”

“My grandfather’s sister is due to conflicts with inheritance no longer in the picture as well (goes for the whole family from that side).”

“I try to be very close to my family (parents, grandparents, and brother), and I hope we stay that close.”

“But I wouldn’t push someone to reach out to relatives, and especially when they showed how f**ked up they can treat you.’

“So OP, don’t blame yourself.”

“Your friend did not have to push. Outsiders can’t understand, at least I think.”

“And if you’ve been this distant for years, then you have reasons.” ~ LouNov04

“No, she didn’t mean well.”

“She assumed being a parent made her a specialist and thought she knew better than you about your own experience.”

“You were not cruel. You help a mirror of how invalidating she was being in a way she understands.”

“Now she gets it.”

“And she doesn’t here because of her experiences.”

“NTA – she didn’t get it before.”

“No matter how kindly you put it.”

“I’m betting now she has a full picture of what that ask really means to you.” ~ gurlwithdragontat2

“NTA: Once your friend’s emotions started to fill with sadness, she should have realized that’s the exact feeling she’s giving to you each time she made those comments.”

“That’s where she should have apologized.” ~ theassholethrowawa

“100%. Abuse is never the fault of the one abused, but people can be so blinded by ‘bUt ShE’s YoUr OnLy MoM’ that they forget that parents can be abusers too.”

“As someone with an abusive mom, I like to turn it around on them and say, ‘Yeah, she is my mom. Can you believe she treated her helpless child like that? Makes me sick.'”

“And to anyone who wants to say, ‘They did the best they could.'”

“If the best they could do was neglect and abuse their child, that’s a pretty f**king low bar.”

“Whoops, sorry, I think I started to trauma dump there a little.”

“Point is, OP, you’re definitely NTA, and don’t give into the peer pressure to apologize to your so-called friend.”

“You simply turned her logic around on her.”

“Any hurt feelings she has are of her own making.” ~ kisses-n-kinks

“NTA. Brilliant! Sometimes that’s what it takes.”

“She is crying because having this growth experience is uncomfortable.”

“You did nothing wrong.”

“You gave her the chance to back off from her foolishness, but she pushed you.”

“And now she understands how it feels.”

“If you lose her friendship, then it’s because she is unwilling to understand what she was doing to you by guilting you about Mother’s Day.”  ~ mindful-bed-slug

Well, OP, Reddit is with you.

You have to protect yourself.

Not everybody is going to get that.

And they don’t have to.

Live well.

If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.

To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at