We would all like to be able to make sure that our loved ones can have the wedding day of their dreams.
But paying for a wedding can come at a variety of costs, and not all of them are financial, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor No_Yogurtcloset9610 was called out by their wife after they borrowed money from her without asking.
But because it was for their sister’s wedding dress, the Original Poster (OP) thought it would be okay.
They asked the sub:
“AITA for borrowing some money from my wife’s savings accounts?”
The OP and their wife had agreed-upon rules regarding their finances.
“My wife and I have joined finances but she has a savings account her grandpa set up for her before he passed. It’s around 40k in savings.”
“We both work IT jobs and get paid fairly well (I want to note that we do not live in America so wages differ).”
“She stated to me that the savings money is for either an emergency or in case we plan on buying our own house.”
“She said that in case I need money for an emergency, I’m allowed to use it.”
“I also have access to the account but so far I didn’t use anything.”
The OP didn’t properly use the money.
“2 months ago, my sister asked me to lend her 5k because she wanted to pay for her wedding dress but her card had expired and kept declining.”
“I would lend her 5k but since I didn’t have the full amount of my own paycheck, I borrowed money from my wife’s savings.”
“My sister said she’d pay me back once her new card was ready, which would take less than two days.”
“I didn’t tell my wife this because I’d replace the money in two days.”
But the situation wasn’t going according to plan.
“It’s been 2 months now and my sister is putting off on giving back the money she borrowed. She keeps finding excuses on why she couldn’t give it back every time.”
“My wife hasn’t checked the savings account in ages, but what if she happens to check it and she figures out 5k is missing?”
“My best friend says I am honest with her and I should accept the consequences of my own actions for not notifying my wife and not letting her know about the money missing.”
“AITA? I feel very guilty for this and for trusting my sister.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that buying a wedding dress was far from an emergency situation.
“Your sister not being able to afford her wedding dress is not an emergency.”
“You were scammed, her bank would have sent her a new debit card at the beginning of the month it expires, not wait to send one after it expired. You’re not getting that money back.”
“And you will probably never get your wife’s trust back either. YTA.” – GlitterSparkleDevine
“YTA, buying a luxurious wedding dress isn’t an emergency in the slightest.”
“Your wife trusted you and granted you access to her account, whereas you betrayed her trust unamended. You know that what you did is amiss and that is why you don’t tell her.”
“I don’t comprehend why you didn’t ask her at first if it’s ok to lend your sister the money. If she thinks that’s a justified cause, she would consent to this.”
“But I guess she wouldn’t lend her the money and that is why your sister turned to you and you hid it from your wife.”
“You have to tell her ASAP and hope for the best. If she notices it before you tell her, it will escalate the situation.”
“I think she’ll discover it either way, even if you transfer the money before she notices because there is documentation of transactions in the account. Acknowledge your mistakes and prepare to be denied access to the account.” – Compensate1995
“He didn’t ask because he knew very well it wasn’t a true emergency and she would say no. This is child-level thinking, not trusted adult partner-level thinking.” – Bleu-Cherise
“OP had better pray to everything sacred that they don’t suddenly have an actual emergency like a car breakdown, a dead appliance, a leaking roof, etc.”
“Because that’s when Mrs. OP most assuredly WILL look at her bank account and realize he has helped himself to some of it without asking.” – Either_Coconut
Others said the sister had seriously scammed the OP.
“$5K on a dress is fine if it’s what you want and you can afford it. Spending $5K on the dress isn’t the issue.”
“The issue is she didn’t have it and scammed her brother out of it and her brother had to steal it from his wife.”
“What a mess. I would never trust either one of them again if I was OP’s wife.” – Binky390
“Why does the debit card even come into it? She can still withdraw money from her account without a debit card – either to pay for dress or to pay OP back.”
“Presumably, if OP gave her the money, she didn’t use her debit card. She would have paid in cash I guess… so why couldn’t she have paid the store directly in cash from her own account?”
“The answer is that she was just scamming OP!” – Spotzie27
“If you have 5k you can spend on a dress, or a parent is paying and they’re willing to spend 5k, you do you booboo. Personally, my dress budget was 1.5-2k, and even in the Boston area that’s a very workable budget, but I won’t go around acting like no one should spend more than I did.”
“What I’m wondering is, did she need that 5k on that exact day? The bridal salon couldn’t hold it for a couple of days? Was this when she was ordering the dress (which is when I paid for mine), or was she picking it up and needed to pay the final balance?”
“If she was traveling to get the dress, I could understand feeling like it was an emergency, but it was stupid of her to not a) ensure her card was up to date, b) have a backup card, and/or c) bring a checkbook to pay for the dress.”
“Either way, it’s wicked sketchy that she still hasn’t paid OP back nearly two months after she said she would.”
“I wanna give her the benefit of the doubt here but it’s fairly likely she couldn’t afford it and wanted to milk some cash from someone else to pay for it, and if that’s the case, then yeah, I’m side-eyeing her for milking cash from someone to pay for an extravagance she couldn’t afford.”
“A 5k dress isn’t objectively wrong, but you can also find a perfectly fine dress for a lot less than that.” – VisualCelery
Some said the OP needed to make serious amends with their wife.
“I only want to add that the LONGER it took OP to tell me, the angrier I would be. Past a certain point, this becomes an honesty issue.”
“OP, I’m really annoyed and I’m not even your wife. You f**ked up, dude. You need to come clean ASAP. YTA.” – thesnuggyone
“It’s also super scummy and indicative of OP’s character that he spends so much time setting up the implication that he had permission to use the money, but didn’t tell his wife he was doing it and provides no explanation as to why.”
“If you had permission, you could have told her you were doing it, but you didn’t.” – DogmaticNuance
“The OP really thought she’s not going to see a $5k debit on the bank statement. Unless she pays no attention to her accounts, she was going to see the money going out and then back in. There was never going to be a way to hide it.”
“OP, YTA. Your sister played you for a chump, time to go apologize and grovel.” – Nole-in-Iowa
“He hasn’t used any of his own money to pay back the balance, either. He took the money, he’s the one responsible for restoring the balance.”
“Ideally he’d do that with what the sister pays him back with, but since that doesn’t seem to be happening, he needs to use his own fun money for it.” – Morella_xx
Not only did the OP get scammed by their sister, but the subReddit insisted the OP had been incredibly dishonest with their wife, as well.
While they had already made a mistake in lending the money without talking to their wife about her own savings account, they had kept the truth hidden for more than two months. As time went by, the conversation would only become increasingly complicated, not to mention awkward.