The plot of a lot of romance films and books includes the friend who's been there all along winning the girl/guy in the end, after a love declaration from the friend leads the object of their desire to break up with their current significant other.
But in real life, being someone's friend doesn't entitle you to being their romantic partner. And when reality smacks into fantasy, it can get messy.
A woman turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after a friend's profession of his feelings.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Bestiez_ asked:
"I told my friend why I don't want to date him, and our friends are saying I broke him, AITAH?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"So my friend of ten years Mark (23, male, not real name) called me yesterday to meet him for lunch and said that he had something important to discuss with me. I (21, female) had free time, so I agreed."
"I met him, already there, and joined him. We had lunch, then we talked a bit about random things."
"Then he cleared his throat and started speaking.... He first told me that 'he didn't understand why I was dating my now boyfriend when he's a better match for me'. I asked him to explain."
"And he basically went on about how he liked me first and he met me first, he's more good looking, knows me better, he's taller than my boyfriend and more successful. Which is not true in a way. My boyfriend works, aside from growing up In wealth, while Mark's entire life is funded by his parent's money."
"He told me he doesn't understand how I can be with him, when he's always been around waiting for me. I was out of words and asked him if he wanted me to be honest. To which he said yes."
"I told him that I would never want to date him given how I've seen the way he treated his past girlfriends. He ghosts them when he feels like it and just expects them to be there waiting."
"I told him he's too immature and irresponsible for me and that dating him would be exhausting. I also explained that the reasons I mentioned was why, over time, I started putting a distance to our friendship, because I didn't like the way he treated the women in his life."
"When I was done, he was just quiet, he just excused himself and left. I went home and went about my day..."
"Later in the evening, our other friends started asking what I did Mark and that he's been a wreck since he met me for lunch, he's drinking and not telling anyone what happened."
"I explained to them what happened and they are saying I was harsh. And that I broke him, blah, blah, blah. But I think someone had to tell him the truth...."
"So, Reddit fam, am I the AH????"
The OP later added:
"He's the typical rich boy who thinks we should all bow down to him, but if we are to remove his parent's money, then he's got nothing to his name."
"Very narcissistic, he makes everything about him and always wants to one up his friends...."
"I've honestly been thinking about our entire friendship. We went to the same primary school, that's how we have mutual friends and all."
"All this time, I thought I had a great friend until I started noticing his relationships with women and this just solidified my decision to leave our friend group."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not in the wrong (NTA).
"NTA, even if you had kinda liked him, I feel like declaring his feelings by being rude about your current partner is such a turnoff."
"He doesn't say anything meaningful or romantic about you, just that he thinks he's better than your actual bf so you should dare him instead. So entitled." ~ kathryn_sedai
"And all his 'bragging' about himself is superficial, shallow stuff. OP is right, he's too immature and self-centered. It sounds like he's never had to earn anything for himself."
"How did he think this would go, she would say, 'Gee you're right! How could I be so foolish?' Then he could tell her she still had to earn his love. Blech! Just.....gross." ~ Xylorgos
"I find it disgusting that she thought she had a friend, while he was just 'waiting'. Laying in wait, more like." ~ Astyryx
"It's the waiting part that's a huge red flag. If I even thought I developed feelings for a friend, I would let them know to get ahead of it and see how they felt."
"But waiting 10 years and pulling the 'I knew you first'? That makes you sound like a possession, not a person he wants to grow with."
"Not to mention the fact you have boyfriend and he waits until then to tell you? Seriously I think people think Hallmark Christmas rom-coms are documentaries." ~ Final_Candidate_7603
"Yep. He f*ckzoned her, then gaslighted her into thinking he was a friend." ~ BBCGiveCT
"Yes, this is a huge detail right here! OP's gonna realize that he was never her 'friend' and that he was just being nice because he wanted to be with her.
"Once you realize that as a woman, your whole perspective changes as you question all the male 'friends' you've ever had. OP's amazing for how she straight up told her 'friend'." ~ Hooligan-Hobgoblin
"You didn't break him. His ego is just bruised. Rejection is a part of life and it's on him to learn from it. NTA."
"P.S. He did ask you to be honest, and you gave him exactly that." ~ TopAmphibian7220
"It's the 'I met you first' comment for me. So does that mean my mom's OBGYN has dibs on me? Get out of here with that bullsh*t." ~ SuperDuperGoose
The OP provided two updates, first posting:
"I'm so overwhelmed by the comments In a good way, Most are really funny. I've been laughing so much I woke my sister's baby. I've sent my post to my friend (not associated with Mark) and our group chat is blowing up with more laughter."
"But in all seriousness, I'm thankful for the great comments and people giving advice on my safety, I'll definitely be more aware of my surroundings going forward. I don't know Mark as a violent person but then again this incident has proved that I may not know him like I think I do."
"Mark is currently blocked from everything, our mutual friends who were supporting him and calling me out are also blocked. I'm definitely dropping him and the people supporting him."
"And this is also a learning lesson to me, to distance myself a lot more quicker next time I see red flags in future friendships."
Then OP posted:
"So a couple things have happened. After some people mentioned things on my safety I took it to heart and told my sister and her husband (I live with them for now) the issue."
"Of course it was also just in case my ex-friends were to stop by the house since they would do that sometimes. Since there's a baby at our house (my sister's baby) they thought having cameras was not a bad idea, for everyone's safety."
"And I told my boyfriend as well, since some of you were worried about his safety too. He's a fit guy and has security at his house, so he'll be alright."
"On Friday, I went to a birthday party with my boyfriend, for one of his friends, and everything was going well until I saw one of Mark's sidekicks. Let's call him Ben. I pass him without saying anything and he just looks at me. I notify my boyfriend that he's there, and we decide to not let him bother us."
"An hour later I saw Mark, talking to the birthday girl—not surprised they know each other honestly. Most of us went to the same primary school and stayed connected through the years."
"Then he made his way over to us, smiling like nothing happened. He went straight to my boyfriend and extended his hand, 'I'm Mark, you remember me right and you must be the boyfriend,' he says. My boyfriend shook his hand, being polite of course."
"He then told him in his most annoying voice 'can I borrow her for a sec, I just want to talk'. I immediately shut him down and told him to leave us alone. He didn't. He persisted for a full minute and when my boyfriend told him to leave, he just goes on and tried to take my hand by force."
"My boyfriend being already annoyed by the whole issue, slaps the arrogance out of him. He tries to fight back, but my boyfriend punches him in his face. The security people were called and took him out, shouting, and we left after explaining the whole thing to the birthday girl."
"Mark wasn't even invited—the birthday girl was just being polite when he showed up after Ben told him I was there. Ben needs to grow a spine and stop being a puppet."
"My boyfriend dropped me off at home and he left immediately. He's still sad about me witnessing that side of him, but I've assured him that I'm not bothered. Mark crossed so many lines."
"The next day, that is Saturday, a video was sent to me, a video of Mark being taken away by the security and people laughing... I guess somebody was filming. The person who sent it is one of Mark's ex girlfriends. Her message was 'served him right'."
"So yeah, that's where we are now.... It has been quiet since yesterday, but knowing Mark, he'll definitely pull something on my boyfriend. My boyfriend is not one to resort to violence, but Mark had it coming. Honestly, if it wasn't him, someone else would have done it."
One Redditor responded:
"This guy is crazy. He must have thought you didn't tell your boyfriend when he thought he could 'borrow you'. And it just shows that he has zero respect for women, by thinking he could grab you and make you go with him."
"He needs to look at himself and take your previous words to heart and maybe get some therapy."
Hopefully Mark does get the wake up call and seeks help for his problems.
But the most important thing he can do is leave OP, her family, and her boyfriend alone.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.