The news that a family member is coming to stay with you can result in a number of emotions.
Regardless of one’s relationship to them, people usually find themselves making more of an effort to ensure these family members feel welcome and comfortable in their home.
Thankfully, many visiting family members make sure they don’t put their hosts out too much.
Others, however, take the invitation to “make themselves at home” a bit too literally.
The in-laws of Redditor were frequent guests at the home of Redditor chiefsnuggleofficer and her husband.
Somewhat too frequent in the eyes of the original poster (OP).
So much so, that the OP was adamant that changes needed to be made.
Unsure of whether or not these changes were appropriate, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole “(AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for not wanting my in-laws to stay with us more than once a month?”
The OP explained why she felt some limitations needed to be placed on her in-laws:
“I live in a suburb of a large city; my in-laws live about 3.5 hours south in a small town.”
“They come up often for doctor appointments, shopping, or just to ‘play’.”
“Sometimes there’s a month between visits, but sometimes it’s literally every weekend.”
“I love my husband and my in-laws, but I hate feeling like our home is a hotel.”
“They can afford a hotel but prefer staying with us.”
“My MIL loves to cook, and I used to feel pressure to cook big meals so I wouldn’t look lazy, but now I just tell my husband to suggest takeout because I’m tired of hosting.”
“I also compulsively clean before they come, which drives me crazy.”
“Our house is nearly 5,000 SF, and I deep clean everything, baseboards included, because I can’t stand the thought of them seeing dirt.”
“It’s self-imposed (and ironic, since their house isn’t spotless), but I can’t let it go.”
“My husband helps, but he rushes, and I feel bad complaining since at least he’s helping.”
“This constant open-door policy has become a major sore spot in our marriage.”
“Having my MIL, FIL, and two SILs stay so often makes me feel like it’s not even my home anymore.”
“For context: my parents live 20 minutes away and visit often, but they don’t stay overnight.”
“They come for a few hours, bring food, help clean up, and even help with house projects.”
“My in-laws, on the other hand, just drop their plates in the sink after dinner to ‘help’.”
“My husband does help me clean after dinner, but I always feel like the rude one for taking him away from them.”
“He says I should be as welcoming to his family as he is to mine, but it’s not the same.”
“My parents visit, help, and leave; his family stays the entire weekend and adds to my workload.”
“As a stay-at-home mom, I feel like the meals and house reflect on me, so it’s extra stressful.”
“He insists they don’t care, but he’s their golden boy- they’d never judge him, just me.”
“To make things worse, one SIL is living with us for five months while she’s in school.”
“I agreed to it to be kind, even though I’m an introvert.”
“I’m terrified the visits will become even more frequent, and my husband just can’t say no.”
“The biggest issue is that my MIL cannot take a hint.”
“Even when we’re clearly burned out, or when my husband tries to subtly dodge another visit, she keeps asking until he gives in.”
“He doesn’t really want them here that often either, but he’s scared of offending her.”
“She gets her feelings hurt easily, and instead of setting boundaries, he says yes and leaves me to deal with the fallout.”
“So what’s the right move?”
“Should I ask him to limit their stays and risk offending them?”
“He’s hesitant, and it’s becoming a major source of tension.”
“I think once-a-month overnight visits are perfectly fair, but he says he ‘can’t’ tell them that.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP Fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community firmly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for wanting to impose limits on the number of visits made by their in-laws.
Everyone agreed that not only were the OP’s in-laws imposing themselves on her far too much, but that the OP’s husband also needed to step up and set some boundaries.
“NTA.”
“Start planning things with your family at their place.”
“Your husband can host his parents at home by himself.”- VitaSpryte
“NTA.”
“This would drive me nuts, and I’d book myself into a hotel when they visited.”
“Also, you have a husband problem.”- Moose-Live
“You need to see a therapist if dirty baseboards and fear of being judged wake you up at night and stress you out.”
“These are signs of insecurity where you feel judged.”
“The cleaning obsession may be a symptom of something larger.”
“As far as your in-laws treating your home as a hotel.”
“Open your mouth.”
“Say the words.”
“OP, you need to say ‘after you have your breakfast/ meals, please load the dishwasher, there are no maids in this house’.”
“Don’t make the bed for them when they arrive, leave clean linen in the room they will use, and let them do the work themselves.”
“They like staying with you because they get the comforts of home and the benefits of a hotel where their meals and sleep, laundry, etc, are taken care of.”
“Straight up, tell them to run the laundry and do things in the house.”
“I’m wondering if part of the reason you are so hesitant is because you are a SAHM and worried about finances?”
“If yes, and your kids are school-aged, maybe it’s time to work outside the home and force your husband to be an equal partner in the household.”
“You’re NTA here, your husband and in-laws, however, are ridiculous.”- Beneficial-Eye4578
“Absolutely NTA.”
“Your husband needs to manage his family.”
“Ask him if he would like to put his foot down (as he should, since it’s his family) and be as kind as is needed to get the job done, or would he like to let you do it (and you won’t pull any punches).”
“If possible, lay out a written description of what happens when you host your family (frequency, how many hours they stay, what they help with, do they bring food, how much cleaning you have to do, etc.) and, on a separate sheet, do the same for a visit from his family.”
“You could even do it as a side-by-side comparison — for instance, your folks stay for 6 hours vs. his folks stay for 2 days.”
“Try to compare two recent visits.”
“Maybe seeing it in black and white will help him realize just how intrusive these frequent visits are.”
“If he gets sulky about it, do as others have suggested — take your kid(s) and go to your parents’ house for the duration of the in-laws’ stay.”
“Don’t do the deep cleaning, grocery shopping, ANY of that stuff; leave it for him to handle.”
“Point out before you leave that you’ll expect the house to be in the same or better condition than you left it.”
“That means floors swept, dishes done and put away, trash taken out — any and all of the stuff that you’d typically do.”
“See how long he lasts.”
“This is probably going to cause a rift in the relationship with your in-laws.”
“However, your husband needs to realize he’s married to YOU, not his mommy, and YOU are the one who should be more important to him.”
“If he can’t wrap his head around that, you’ve got a LOT bigger problem to deal with and some long, hard thinking to do.”
“Good luck!”- CrazyOldBag
“NTA.”
“That is too much.”
“If your husband won’t bend, tell him he has to do absolutely everything.”- merishore25
“NTA.”
“Personally, that would be my worst nightmare.”
“You need to start making some plans on weekends and tell them you are not around.”
“And maybe bring your husband shopping at Spines-are-us.”
“To buy him a shiny new backbone.”
“He needs to learn to say the word no to his mother.”
“She is a low-key bully.”
“A few times getting butt hurt from being refused, and the new boundaries should stick.”
“But you need to do it fast because once the sil comes to stay, Mil will be using it as an excuse to live in your pocket.”- Competitive_Ease6991
“From reading your replies it sounds like both of you need to grow a backbone.”
“He needs to stand up to his parents.”
“You need to learn to let the cleaning/hosting go and if they blame you for a worse experience even though you’re not there, maybe they’ll learn how much work you were doing.”
“You are full of excuses for why you can’t stay at your parents when they visit, but this is a great solution to make you less available.”
“When I first read your post title, I thought the frequency you were describing was absolutely ridiculous!”
“Even monthly would be too much for most people, so I think that’s being very generous.”
“NTA but you have to stick up for yourself.”- deej394
We all want to keep our home open to our family to stay in when needed.
However, seeing how the OP’s in-laws show her almost no acknowledgement for her generosity does rather make one question if they are worthy of the OP’s hospitality.
A question the OP absolutely MUST ask her husband.