Regardless of how well-raised and wonderful and respectful a child may be, at one point or another, they're going to be mean.
It just happens.
No matter how angelic they are, there will come a time when emotions get the best of them.
And while this is just a fact of life, bullying is a completely different territory, and unrelenting harassment in any form should be met with consequences.
Should be.
But that, of course, is not always the case.
A mom on Reddit refuses to attend her sister's wedding because of her niece's homophobic and racist bullying toward her son, so she turned to the "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor fokaifemme asked:
"AITAH for shutting my sister out of my family's lives and declining her wedding invitation?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Five years ago, my niece Nicky and her friends ridiculed and harassed my son Marc."
"They speculated about his sexuality, called him slurs, and even used the N-word with a hard R—all for their entertainment."
"When Marc came home, he was crying, shaking, and yelling as he tried to tell me what happened. It was heartbreaking."
"I immediately approached my sister to address the issue."
"I explained Marc's side of the story and the state he was in, but she dismissed it, claiming her daughter and her friends would 'never act that way.'"
"She didn't even offer to talk to Nicky."
"This wasn't an isolated incident."
"A few months before, Nicky kicked Marc in the genitals in front of her friends as a 'joke.'"
"When I demanded an explanation and an apology, Nicky refused, started crying, and claimed it was 'unfair' to hold her accountable—even as Marc was still in pain."
"Nicky also has a history of mean-spirited behavior, such as calling my younger son Cory (then 6 years old) 'The Annoying Child' instead of his name."
"Cory has asked me why she does this and shared how much it upsets him."
"In the case of Marc, my sister doubled down, claiming that one of Nicky's friends (the one who used the N-word) couldn't possibly be racist because she's Mexican."
"Her exact words were, 'I don't know what you want me to do about this.'"
"That was the final straw for me."
"I told her that if she wasn't willing to address the issue, it was in my family's best interest to distance ourselves."
"Three days later, she called me, said she spoke to Nicky, and told me, 'We're good on my end.'"
"No details, no resolution, just that."
"When I followed up via email asking what was discussed and what actions would be taken, she never responded."
"To this day, no apology has been offered—not from my sister, Nicky, or the other kids involved."
"I informed my extended family about the situation and my decision to keep my kids away from my sister's family."
"While some were supportive, others, including my mother, have tried to undermine this boundary."
"One time, my mom secretly took my kids to spend time with my sister's family without my permission."
"I only found out because my younger son mentioned it."
"I was furious and drove an hour to pick them up immediately."
"Fast forward to today: I've received criticism for maintaining this boundary."
"My sister is now getting married and invited us to the wedding, but I declined."
"My mother even asked if she could take my kids to the wedding, and I flatly said no."
"There has been no effort from my sister to apologize or reconcile."
"The only time she reached out after the incident was to add me to a group chat asking if we could take her to a birthday party in Chicago—no mention of the harm she caused."
"I'm standing firm in my decision to protect my kids, but I've been labeled as overly harsh and unforgiving."
"AITAH?"
Redditors weighed in on the situation and agreed OP is not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA - if you go and something happens, you know your sister won't do anything to remedy the issue and you'll need to take matters into your own hands - which is exactly why you should not go." - Kautami
"NTA your mother is the worst grandmother around."
"What kind of grandparent takes a child back to their abuser?" - HauntingReaction6124
"NTA. Your sister blatantly refused to address the issue when her kids are her responsibility."
"Sure, its not her responsibility for how their friends act towards him, but she should have at least spoken to their parents about it."
"All it shows is how immature she is at handling such things."
"Dealing with behavior in children these days is so much harder, I will admit, but that doesn't mean it's okay to just ignore it entirely."
"Good for you for sticking up for your children." - xFaithfvl
"NTAH and your mother's not a safe adult for your children."
"She should NEVER be with them alone or allowed to take them anywhere on her own."
"Block your sister's number and stop entertaining her BS."
"Keep her and her little sociopathic daughter away from your family." - Mother_Search3350
"NTA. Your sister is a terrible 'parent' and doesn't take accountability for what her child does or even believe it, she's blind."
"Your boundary is 100% correct, and you should keep it up and also go LC or NC with your mom since she also downplays this situation = she isn't safe near your kids. It might be hard but it is the best choice for your kids and your family." - pralinen91
"NTA. Your sister and her child sound like terrible people."
"Good for you for protecting your son!" - JTBlakeinNYC
"NTA"
"protect for kids, even if it's from family."
"your sister refused to correct her daughter. so my kids would not be visiting."
"as for you mom, going behind your back and taking your kids to your sisters, now she would be on the same list as the sister."
"no more visits."
"i hope you didn't take her to Chicago." - LosAngel1935
"Nope, nope, nope… NTA."
"Protect your kids."
"I'd do exactly what you're doing." - Kirbywitch
"NTA. Good on you for protecting your children."
"Continue to keep your distance from your sister and then do the same with your mother since she cannot respect your boundaries." - Beautiful_Choice8620
OP offered an update in which she provided additional information, thanked commenters for their advice, and revealed she had taken major steps toward reaching a resolution.
"To provide some context: this situation started five years ago."
"My relationship with my mother wasn't great to begin with."
"After she secretly took my kids to spend time with my sister, I distanced my family from her too."
"About a week later, my mom reached out to apologize and took steps towards reconciliation."
"A few months after that, I started allowing her back into our lives, but I set firm boundaries."
"For instance, she's not allowed to take my kids anywhere without me."
"For the next year, I avoided large family gatherings to steer clear of my sister."
"However, three years after the incident, we attended a funeral where my sister and her family were present."
"My youngest, who was only two at the time of the original events, didn't even remember them."
"Today, he's curious and might want to get to know them, but Marc has no interest."
"He'll smile politely in shared spaces, but that's it."
"Cory remembers hearing 'The Annoying Child' but doesn't realize it was directed at him."
"Over the years, we've had minimal interaction with my sister's family during shared events, mostly just nods of acknowledgment."
"Still, no apologies or meaningful attempts to reconcile have ever come from my sister."
"This year, the pressure from extended family has been relentless, with my brother being the most vocal."
"He insists I need to 'squash my feud' because family events 'aren't the same.'"
"After last night, I realized getting everyone in a room to address this was impossible, so I sent a message in our family group chat."
"I explained that while some may not fully grasp the impact of what happened, it was deeply hurtful and damaging to my family."
"I also asked them to focus on this 'special time' for my sister while respecting my boundaries and leaving my family out of it."
"I made it clear that if anyone couldn't respect my boundaries, I would have no choice but to distance myself from them as well."
"This prompted some quick responses like, 'I'm sorry if I ever made you feel that way' and 'I wasn't trying to pressure you.'"
"It's been five years of uncomfortable moments, family jabs, and constant pressure for the sake of keeping the peace."
"It's been draining, but I want to sincerely thank this community for the advice and support you've given me over the last 24hrs."
"The renewed energy to stand firm in my decision has meant more than I can express."
We're wishing OP the best of luck as she navigates this reconciliation.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp