Times are tough at the moment.
A lot of people are struggling financially.
A lot of people are out of work and don’t know what to do.
For many, giving up isn’t an option.
Kids have to be fed, mortgages have to be paid.
But some people can’t seem to get it together.
Redditor Difficult-Impact-69 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
“AITA for refusing to get a second job?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My husband and I both started our own businesses 20 years ago.”
“They were moderately successful in that, we weren’t rich, but our financial needs have always been met up until the last 5 years.”
“My husband’s business is what most would consider a luxury service.”
“When ‘times are tough,’ people do without said service.”
“My husband tried several things to keep his business afloat, including taking out some loans and making some bad investments that have left us in not the best financial state.”
“At this point, it costs more to operate his business than he is profiting from it.”
“The writing has been on the wall the past several months, and he’s finally agreed it’s time to close the doors.”
“Now, I totally understand that this is something that is upsetting to him. “
“This business was his dream, and you can’t just let go of that mentally in a snap, especially not after 20 years.”
“I have been very supportive and let him vent. “
“I have encouraged him to go to therapy, though he has turned me down.”
“I want to be as sensitive as possible.”
“I wish my business were enough to keep us afloat until he was ready to figure out what he wanted to do next.”
“Unfortunately, with all the bills we have, we can’t afford for him to sit around and not do anything.”
“Neither of us went to college, which does mean his options are limited. “
“Going back to school isn’t financially possible right now, nor does he want to do that.”
“He’d have to have a boss, potentially work weekends and weird hours, all the things you get to avoid when you have your own business for 20 years.”
“I get why this isn’t appealing to him, but unfortunately, it’s what he has to do.”
“My husband has really pushed back on getting a new job. “
“I’ve tried to be as sympathetic as possible, but again, we can’t afford for him to sit home all day.”
“We’ve talked about it several times.”
“I show sympathy and empathy.”
“I, again, tell him to seek therapy. “
“It always ends in an argument where I am told I am being unreasonable.”
“The other day, my S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] (his brother’s wife) came over to talk to me.”
“She spoke to me as if I were 5 years old and said I needed to give him a break.”
“She said that I cannot expect him to go back to having a boss after 20 years.”
“She suggested that I get a second job.”
“With the hours I work, I’d never get to see my kids or husband at that point.”
“I said I’m not going to do that.”
“If my business went under, of course I’d go and get a different job, but it is unreasonable for everyone to expect me to work all these hours while my husband does nothing.”
“His help with the housework and the kids has also dropped since he had to close the business, so I doubt my working more would change that.”
“So I’d be working 7 days a week, plus all that.”
“My sister-in-law just kept telling me that this is a sacrifice I should be making and that I am being unreasonable.”
“Everyone else seems to agree, including my husband.”
“I feel insane.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“Am I the a**hole for not wanting to get a second job and expecting him to get one?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“The fact that the husband is sitting around on his a** while OP has one job would be a deal breaker for me.”
“I would simply laugh if I were told by anyone that I had to get a second job to enable him.”
“Barring a physical limitation, the husband needs to step up or get out. If I’m doing it all alone, I’m going to get the benefits of being all alone.” ~ AggravatingBowl1426
“NTA. It is unlikely he sent his sister-in-law there.”
“It is more likely she went because she believes the lies and complaints OP’s husband tells when he vents to his brother.”
“Instead of sympathizing with OP, SIL is trying to get OP’s hubby to a happy place so she doesn’t have to hear him anymore.” ~ PoorUsernameChooser
“NTA. It’s embarrassing that a grown man who has managed a business for 2 decades would choose to send his SIL to try to bully and shame his wife into getting a second job rather than process his emotions.”
“His family supporting his temper tantrum is giving massive red flags; it’s absurd that they’re enabling his behavior and that they think its ok for him to treat his wife with such disrespect.”
“OP, this is a textbook example of gaslighting.”
“Expecting your partner to fund your lifestyle for the rest of your days, when they’re able-bodied and capable of contributing, with 0 notice or discussion, is unhinged.”
“He’s throwing a temper tantrum and not getting his way, so instead of working together as a team, he’s convinced his whole family to gang up on you.”
“It’s manipulative and gross.”
“It’s not the way you treat someone you love.”
“You were not wrong for trying to give him grace and empathy when this happened, but those times are over.”
“His family should financially support him if they truly believe he’s entitled to be unemployed.”
“Family sacrifices for each other, and they think he deserves this, so they should be happy to get a 2nd job to make it happen.
“This is only your problem if you let it be.”
“I’d sit him down and tell him in no uncertain terms he can get a job or leave.”
“If you give in now, even temporarily, it will just be the start of him feeling more and more entitled to take from you.”
“You are his wife, his equal partner, not his bank.”
“Let him move in with his loving SIL, maybe it’ll teach her to mind her business.” ~ Ivegotthemic
“Fascinating that his pride would be dented by having to work for someone else, but apparently untouched by being voluntarily unemployed and supported by his wife doing two jobs.”
“What an incredible mindset.” ~ RoundPeanut606
“NTA – Tells me why his business failed without telling me why it failed.”
“He’d have to have a boss, potentially work weekends and weird hours, all the things you get to avoid when you have your own business of 20 years.” ~ sticksnstone
“NTA at all.”
“He can’t be expected to have a boss after 20 years?”
“You can’t be expected to lose your financial security, time, energy, and maybe your home to his pity party.” ~ Justhereforthis1post
“He’s had a boss all along.”
“’The market.’”
“His boss has been telling him for a while that he needs to do something different.”
“He’s been refusing to listen and has killed his business.”
“I don’t know if he’s convinced you that he had no control or if you’re just parroting his words.”
“He absolutely had control.”
“It was his business!”
“He could have taken his business in a different direction.”
“Instead, he twiddled his thumbs while economic conditions changed, and he killed his business. This is on him.”
“He needs to get his a** to work.” ~ seasonsbloom
“NTA. Absolutely, you do not need to get another job.”
“You also don’t need to mollycoddle your husband – okay, he has lost his dream.”
“He is not the first, and he won’t be the last.”
“He can either sit and moan about it for the rest of his life or he can stand up and be a man!”
“That’s his choice.”
“Endless empathy will not help him.”
“Tough love will.”
“From a practical standpoint, you are already running your own business and bringing in an income.”
“That takes effort.”
“If you were to take on another role (as well as running the family), something would have to suffer – your health, your business, your family, and then where would you all be?”
“Your husband (and his family) are the ones who are being unreasonable by thinking it is acceptable for your husband to sit on his a** while you work yourself into an early grave to accommodate him!”
“He needs to get a grip!” ~ Mullein55
“NTA – while it’s very sad and disappointing that he had to close his business, he’s also a husband and father and would need to find employment to help sustain the home instead of expecting you to get a second job.”
“You can’t pull the cart alone.” ~ Early-Morning-1558
“Empathy isn’t working; time for the cold shower of reality.”
“Either he pulls his weight or he leaves.”
“He doesn’t get to sit around mourning past glories when there are present needs.”
“As for you getting a second job when he can’t be bothered to get a first!!!”
“Is your SiL always this deluded?”
“There’s something very odd going on with this family. NTA.” ~ IllustriousBowler259
“NTA. YOU don’t need a second job, YOU are not the problem here.”
“YOU already have a job, and YOU are bringing in money.”
“YOUR HUSBAND needs to step up and either get a job or find a way to contribute again.” ~ k23_k23
“NTA. He needs to be working.”
“Even if it means bagging groceries or restocking shelves at a grocery store.”
“And, SIL needs to mind her own f**king business.” ~Suchafatfatcat
Reddit has your back, OP.
It’s sad about your husband’s business, but you have kids to care for.
Your husband doesn’t have the luxury of just sitting with his feelings.
This shouldn’t be expected to fall on you.
It’s time for some hard conversations to be had.
Good Luck.