Money and trust, those are two things that have a very complicated dynamic.
They are especially tricky mixed together in romantic relationships.
Trust is hard to give when one has been burned.
And money is hard to talk about when one has been repeatedly fleeced in the past.
Case in point…
Redditor skdbthrowaway wanted to discuss their story for some feedback. So naturally they came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
“AITA for refusing to disclose how much I make to my boyfriend?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My boyfriend (bf) and I have been dating almost a year and he doesn’t know how much I make.”
“I’ve been taken advantage of financially by bfs in the past so I keep what I make, and signs of any wealth out of sight.”
“I don’t have a lot of obvious expensive things but my bags and clothes are expensive niche brands and I have a lot of toys like an rv, spyder bike and some other things.”
“He hasn’t caught on to the fact they are mine, since I usually leave them at my parent’s place since they use the rv more.”
“He isn’t wealthy. He’s told me he makes around 60k and I don’t feel like letting him know what I make.”
“I pay more on our dates, but I usually split it and we never go anywhere fancy.”
“He’s been annoyed that I will never discuss money with him or really what I do for work.”
“I tell him I work in tech which he feels like isn’t enough information.”
“I’m still trying to decide whether I should trust him with any more details around what I make since money immediately changes a lot of people’s behavior.”
“He’s gotten mad over this as he’s been trying to get me to disclose what I make and what exactly I do.”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question- AITA?:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP WAS the A**hole.
It’s a tricky situation.
Let’s hear some thoughts…
“You’ve been dating a year and he doesn’t know what you do? Maybe he suspects something underworldly.”
“Set the man’s mind at ease. If you can’t trust him after a year, aren’t you wasting both yours and his time?”
“And if he changes once he knows, then you maybe waited too long to disclose.”
“ETA: YTA!” ~ Conscious_Flow_5250
“This exactly! Also doesn’t seem like OP is serious about their relationship or in it for the long-term if they haven’t been able to trust their partner after a year of dating.” ~ LifeOtherwise60196
“I think even just saying what she does is really helpful. I’d be pretty sketched out if I was her BF.”
“I don’t see why he needs to know what she makes though beyond a general, more than he does of that she’s got some savings.”
“If I was thinking about a life with someone I’d like to know they weren’t doing anything illegal/immoral or had a mountain of debt.”
“Honestly if she had expensive toys but no obvious source of wealth I’d be even more worried about those negative options.”
“Also also, if she just told him ‘I’m a VP at Google’ or whatever, he doesn’t need to know how much she makes, he can google that himself.” ~ BootsEX
“Nah sorry after a year you should be honest with your partner about things like this if you think they’re a keeper.”
“After a year you start blending your lives and expenses more, you’ll be going on holidays etc.”
“Together and knowing your partner’s budget for life expenses is an important part of doing that and also moving into the next stages of the relationship.”
“I have broken up with people I otherwise was planning a future with because I found out after a year of dating our attitudes towards finances would not be compatible in a long term serious relationship.”
“This was tied in very much with what they earned (they were miserly as f**k with money).” ~ spaceandthewoods_
“You’ve been dating long enough that he should at least know what you do.”
“You’re hiding a lot from him, which is a form of dishonesty. “
“And honestly, since it’s been almost a year, you should either trust him enough to tell him what you make or break it off. I’d say softly, YTA.” ~ Tall_Secretary6039
“It’s hard to get close to someone who won’t reveal much to you.”
“At some point OP needs to decide whether they want to move forward with the relationship.”
“At a year I’d want to be able to connect and that’s hard if your partner won’t even tell you what they do for a living and talk about such a big part of their lives.” ~ JuryNo7670
“YTA. Not even being able to confide and talk to someone who supposedly cares about you, about what you do for a living sends red flags up.”
“Knowing what your partner does for a living is part of the foundation of trust couples use for a relationship.”
“He can go one of two ways, either be a gold digger, or not care, but it’s all about trust, he’s obviously ok with what he earns and if he isn’t emasculated by whatever it is you do, why worry.”
“So why take out what is previous experiences/trauma on someone after you’ve dated them for a year? You should probably get some professional help.” ~ the_real_foxhound
“Obscuring your wealth is one thing. Not telling him what your job is something else. YTA.” ~stannenb
“I’m sympathetic to your motivations, but YTA, sorry.”
“A relationship isn’t build around trust; a relationship is trust. If you don’t have trust, you don’t have a relationship.”
“If you think you’re going to lie by omission forever, you’re only allowing the trauma of your past to sabotage your future.” ~ Indrigotheir
“YTA. Grown ups can have conversations about finances, especially after a year.”
“In fact, it might be to your benefit to find out sooner than later if he is going to use you for money.” ~ Shutdownal
And there you have it. This response was overwhelming.
In the immortal words of Ms. Cyndi Lauper… “Money. Money changes everything!”
In one way or another, money is always going to be an issue in most relationships.
Hopefully our OP and their BF can find common ground.