Money and trust, those are two things that have a very complicated dynamic.
They are especially tricky mixed together in romantic relationships.
Trust is hard to give when one has been burned.
And money is hard to talk about when one has been repeatedly fleeced in the past.
Case in point...
Redditor skdbthrowaway wanted to discuss their story for some feedback. So naturally they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA for refusing to disclose how much I make to my boyfriend?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My boyfriend (bf) and I have been dating almost a year and he doesn't know how much I make."
"I've been taken advantage of financially by bfs in the past so I keep what I make, and signs of any wealth out of sight."
"I don't have a lot of obvious expensive things but my bags and clothes are expensive niche brands and I have a lot of toys like an rv, spyder bike and some other things."
"He hasn't caught on to the fact they are mine, since I usually leave them at my parent's place since they use the rv more."
"He isn't wealthy. He's told me he makes around 60k and I don't feel like letting him know what I make."
"I pay more on our dates, but I usually split it and we never go anywhere fancy."
"He's been annoyed that I will never discuss money with him or really what I do for work."
"I tell him I work in tech which he feels like isn't enough information."
"I'm still trying to decide whether I should trust him with any more details around what I make since money immediately changes a lot of people's behavior."
"He's gotten mad over this as he's been trying to get me to disclose what I make and what exactly I do."
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question- AITA?:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP WAS the A**hole.
It's a tricky situation.
Let's hear some thoughts...
"You've been dating a year and he doesn't know what you do? Maybe he suspects something underworldly."
"Set the man's mind at ease. If you can't trust him after a year, aren't you wasting both yours and his time?"
"And if he changes once he knows, then you maybe waited too long to disclose."
"ETA: YTA!" ~ Conscious_Flow_5250
"This exactly! Also doesn't seem like OP is serious about their relationship or in it for the long-term if they haven't been able to trust their partner after a year of dating." ~ LifeOtherwise60196
"I think even just saying what she does is really helpful. I'd be pretty sketched out if I was her BF."
"I don't see why he needs to know what she makes though beyond a general, more than he does of that she's got some savings."
"If I was thinking about a life with someone I'd like to know they weren't doing anything illegal/immoral or had a mountain of debt."
"Honestly if she had expensive toys but no obvious source of wealth I'd be even more worried about those negative options."
"Also also, if she just told him 'I'm a VP at Google' or whatever, he doesn't need to know how much she makes, he can google that himself." ~ BootsEX
"Nah sorry after a year you should be honest with your partner about things like this if you think they're a keeper."
"After a year you start blending your lives and expenses more, you'll be going on holidays etc."
"Together and knowing your partner's budget for life expenses is an important part of doing that and also moving into the next stages of the relationship."
"I have broken up with people I otherwise was planning a future with because I found out after a year of dating our attitudes towards finances would not be compatible in a long term serious relationship."
"This was tied in very much with what they earned (they were miserly as f**k with money)." ~ spaceandthewoods_
"You've been dating long enough that he should at least know what you do."
"You're hiding a lot from him, which is a form of dishonesty. "
"And honestly, since it's been almost a year, you should either trust him enough to tell him what you make or break it off. I'd say softly, YTA." ~ Tall_Secretary6039
"It's hard to get close to someone who won't reveal much to you."
"At some point OP needs to decide whether they want to move forward with the relationship."
"At a year I'd want to be able to connect and that's hard if your partner won't even tell you what they do for a living and talk about such a big part of their lives." ~ JuryNo7670
"YTA. Not even being able to confide and talk to someone who supposedly cares about you, about what you do for a living sends red flags up."
"Knowing what your partner does for a living is part of the foundation of trust couples use for a relationship."
"He can go one of two ways, either be a gold digger, or not care, but it's all about trust, he's obviously ok with what he earns and if he isn't emasculated by whatever it is you do, why worry."
"So why take out what is previous experiences/trauma on someone after you've dated them for a year? You should probably get some professional help." ~ the_real_foxhound
"Obscuring your wealth is one thing. Not telling him what your job is something else. YTA." ~stannenb
"I'm sympathetic to your motivations, but YTA, sorry."
"A relationship isn't build around trust; a relationship is trust. If you don't have trust, you don't have a relationship."
"If you think you're going to lie by omission forever, you're only allowing the trauma of your past to sabotage your future." ~ Indrigotheir
"YTA. Grown ups can have conversations about finances, especially after a year."
"In fact, it might be to your benefit to find out sooner than later if he is going to use you for money." ~ Shutdownal
And there you have it. This response was overwhelming.
In the immortal words of Ms. Cyndi Lauper... "Money. Money changes everything!"
In one way or another, money is always going to be an issue in most relationships.
Hopefully our OP and their BF can find common ground.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.