Bullying in schools is something we hear about a lot, but it can occur in almost all social situations if no one steps up and stops it.
The workplace, in friend groups, in clubs and community organizations, and even at home or with extended family, bullying can occur.
A father dealing with bullying by guests in his home turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
In a now deleted post, NaughtyBaby73 asked:
“AITA for refusing to take my sister’s kids to school after they’ve been bullying my son?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“A bit of background: My sister (Sarah) and her two kids (Jake 14, male and Mia 12, female) recently moved in with us after Sarah went through a rough divorce. She’s been staying with us for about six months now, and we’ve tried to be as accommodating as possible.”
“My wife (Laura) and I have one son, Ethan (13, male). At first, everything was fine, and the kids got along okay.”
“Over the last few months, however, Jake and Mia have been making Ethan’s life miserable. They’ve been teasing him constantly, calling him names, and even going through his things when we’re not around.”
“It’s been especially bad for Ethan because he’s more introverted and quiet. He’s come to us multiple times, upset about things they’ve said or done, and I’ve tried addressing it with Sarah.”
“Her response has been pretty dismissive, saying, ‘It’s just normal sibling stuff. They’ll grow out of it’.”
“The tipping point came last week when Ethan told me that Jake had taken his school project—something he’d spent days working on—and ruined it by drawing all over it. Ethan was in tears.”
“When I confronted Jake, he laughed it off like it was a joke. Sarah didn’t seem to think it was a big deal and said Ethan was being too sensitive.”
“My wife Laura was furious, but tried to stay calm.”
“I finally had enough and told Sarah that if she couldn’t keep her kids in check, I wasn’t going to keep doing favors like driving them to school every day. I’ve been taking all the kids to school since Sarah moved in because her car broke down and she hasn’t been able to get it fixed.”
“It’s about a 20-minute detour for me, and I was happy to do it at first, but after all this, I told her it was too much, and she needed to figure it out on her own.”
“Now, Sarah is upset, saying I’m punishing her and her kids over something small, and it’s not fair for me to leave her stranded. She even went as far as to say I was being petty and holding a grudge against the kids.”
“She thinks I’m overreacting and should just let it go for the sake of family harmony.”
“My wife is 100% on my side and thinks Sarah’s kids have been out of line for months. But now Sarah’s giving me the cold shoulder and telling other family members that I’m being unreasonable.”
“So, AITA for refusing to drive them to school anymore?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The majority of Redditors upvoted a comment that the OP was not the a**hole for stopping the rides.
“NTA. This is a great time to teach the kids that actions have consequences. If they want to pick on someone, they will lose their privileges granted by kinder people.”
“Hopefully they take it as a learning experience and start treating your son better.” ~ HolSmGamer
“NTA. By the fact that you are only saying you won’t drive them to school (vs. telling her it’s time for them to move on) seems like you care and want to not only maintain the relationship but continue to support her however you can. You definitely aren’t being unreasonable.”
“What about asking her to sit down for a serious conversation (vs. a quick conversation when something happens) maybe even include another family member as a witness/mediator?”
“Let her know while you understand that each parent ‘parents’ differently, you are concerned that both your parenting styles are not working together and from your viewpoint, your son is paying the price for those differences.”
“She (and you) need to consider that it might be a case of the kids acting out over the divorce. Your son, their cousin is basically a poster child for things they have lost; two fulltime parents, their own home, independence…”
“Point out you aren’t trying to hurt her nor hold a grudge against the kids, but you also cannot sit by and tell your son to ‘take it’ for no other reason except letting her kids act out.”
“Ask her what would she do if they were doing these things to other kids at school? Got called in to talk to the principal? Suspended, etc…? Would she still say it’s somebody holding a grudge?”
“Heck who knows, maybe someone should check in with teachers to see how they are doing in classes and socially, could be they are escalating there too.”
“As far as her sharing with other family members—if they have the nerve to say anything to you—point out the kids are acting out due to the divorce and while you are going out of your way to help and support her, you draw the line at your child basically being bullied in his own home.”
“So unless they’d like to take her in…they can either speak with her about stepping up and realizing her kids need some help or keep their opinions to themselves and stay completely out of it. Good Luck!” ~ CornerSevere
But many more individual comments felt the OP was the a**hole (YTA) for his other actions—or his inaction.
“YTA for letting them to continue living with you and continue bullying your son—you’re NTA for not driving them to school.”
“Your sister should have nipped this in the bud. But honestly this living situation is not good for your son.”
“I put up with a horrible living situation to help my parents. They really took advantage of me.”
“Bullied me, my husband, my kids. I finally pulled on my big girl pants and made my parents move out. My kids were so grateful.”
“Our kids should not be uncomfortable in their own home. If I could do it again, I would never have let them in the front door. Good luck.” ~ Kirbywitch
“YTA! Poor Ethan. Do you even realize you’re allowing your abuser to now abuse your only child?”
“It’s clear from your comments that your sister has been bullying you your entire life. Maybe there wasn’t much you could do to protect yourself, but you can absolutely protect Ethan.”
“Grow a spine & get those people out of ETHAN’S house TODAY!”
“How long do you think your wife will tolerate this situation? Are you truly prepared to sacrifice your wife & child for your abuser?” ~ rationalboundaries
“YTA for letting your kid get bullied in his own home and for letting your sister walk all over you and your family. Why are they still there?” ~ liughts
“YTA for allowing people to live in your home and abuse your child.” ~ Madmattylock
“Wooooooah why the hell are you showing your son that their cousins and aunt are more important than him‽‽”
“Kick them out for gods sake! They are emotionally destroying your child!!! YTA.” ~ Kornlula
“YTA. Bullying is abuse. Your son isn’t safe in his own home. You should have kicked them out months ago. Stop being so soft and protect your kid.” ~ logcabinfarmgirl
“YTA because you son has to put up with this. How about kicking them out of your house that your own son can’t live in now without being uncomfortable?” ~ Historical-Composer2
“I think YTA because you’re imposing a penalty that doesn’t do anything really and doesn’t mean anything. Refusing to drive her kids while they still live in the house is just going to amp up hostilities.”
“You need to tell Sarah that she has one week to get out. The end.” ~ EmceeSuzy
“Ah, look at you being the hero brother saving Sarah from a situation she very likely got herself into.”
“Meanwhile you’re a wretched failure of a parent, putting his abusive family members ahead of his own son. YTA.”
“Your wife should tell you and your sister and her mini-mes to get out. Someone needs to protect your son and you obviously won’t.” ~ Reddit
“NTA for the rides, but YTA for forcing your kid to live with and endure abuse from his bullies.”
“WTF is wrong with you‽‽ Kick them out! Prioritize your son, for Christ’s sake!” ~ TieNervous9815
“YTA. Not for refusing to take the kids to school, but for letting your sister and the children remain in your home, in Ethan’s home, allowing them to torment him in a place he should feel safe.”
“It’s ultimatum time. Either your sister starts taking Ethan’s feelings seriously and gets her kids under control or she needs to find somewhere else to live.” ~ Financial_Bear_5071
In a comment they later deleted, OP admitted his sister bullied him throughout childhood, but he assumed she grew out of it.
“You know that your sister is a bully and you let her come into your house, around your family?” ~ Lyzab77
“It’s charitable to assume that she might be one of those who grew out of it over time. She’s now proved otherwise.” ~ Birdbraned
“So what forms of abuse of your son would you not tolerate? You’ve already stated he’s been emotionally, verbally, and physically intimidated or abused by his cousins. There’s really only one type of abuse left.”
“If that happened, would you finally grow a pair and protect your son? Or just take away his abusers’ TV privileges for a week? Maybe refuse to buy them something?”
“You’re complicit with your son’s abuse right under your own nose, in your own home. YTA. Hopefully this opens your wife’s eyes and she gets your entire family—especially you—out of her son’s life.” ~ Reddit
“YTA for allowing that toxicity into your home and for not protecting your son. It shouldn’t have lasted 30 days let alone 6 months.” ~ PanicAtTheGaslight
The OP later deleted their post and their responses to comments without providing an update.
Hopefully the stern rebukes he received make him reconsider his hospitality points trumping his child’s safety and sense of security in their own home.
Is being his sister’s rescuer and the good brother in his birth family’s eyes really more important than the family he made with his wife and son? Because he may soon be forced to decide.