It’s hard to know when to say no to a family member or friend asking for help, especially if you’re already helping them.
Do you continue to loan them money, provide transportation, or continue living with you?
When does doing enough become too much?
A homeowner turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after hitting the too much phase with her best friend.
Temporary_Fly_1678 asked:
“AITA for not letting my best friend’s fiancé move in with us?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My fiancée (26, female) and I (27, female) own our home in Philadelphia, and we live there with our two cats. My best friend (28, female) is in a long-distance relationship with her fiancé (31, male), who lives near Albany, NY.”
“When they first started dating six years ago, he lived in an apartment with a roommate, worked 12-hour warehouse shifts, and didn’t have a car. After two years, the job became too strenuous, he quit, and moved in with his aunt rent-free.”
“For the next four years, he didn’t work and spent most of his time with his friends, smoking weed, and gaming 3–4 times a week. His excuse for not finding another job was that his aunt’s car—which he used to get to his warehouse job— broke down and the city was an hour away.”
“Two years ago, my best friend got a job opportunity in Connecticut, got to move closer to him, and asked him to move in with her, but he refused without giving any real explanation. She assumed it was because of the car situation, even though she was willing to share hers temporarily.”
“During that year, things became financially stressful for her, so she asked if she could move in with my fiancée and I with her three cats. We agreed, since we had a spare bedroom and gave her three months to get back on her feet, but said after that she will need to pay $700 for rent.”
“She agreed, but within four months of living with us she quit her job, and for the next four months she bounced from job to job. Because of that, my fiancé and I barely received rent.”
“We’d occasionally get $100–$200. She came to us saying that she was struggling still, so we agreed to lower her rent to $400.”
“Now in two months of her having a job she really enjoys and wants to pursue as a career, we been having to remind her to pay rent.”
“Fast forward to 4 months ago: her boyfriend won a couple thousand dollars on a scratch ticket, bought a car outright, and finally has a job where he lives in New York.”
“Now my best friend feels they’ve been together long enough and asked him about getting married. He agreed, so now they’re planning a courthouse wedding in two months.”
“Don’t ask why she’s rushing to get married. I have no clue, but I know for sure it’s not because she’s pregnant.”
“Last week she asked me if he could move in with us, and I told her no. We already have five cats in the house between the three of us, and he has two more, meaning seven cats total.”
“On top of that, my fiancée, my best friend, and I are all comfortable not wearing pants at home—just our underwear—and that would have to change for him.”
“My fiancée also has trauma and doesn’t feel comfortable living with a man she doesn’t know well not because he’d do anything, but because of her PTSD.”
“And he would still need to find a job down here, which means both of them would rely on us financially until he’s stable. It doesn’t make sense, especially since he’s currently living rent-free where he is.”
“So am I the a**hole?”
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“I might be the a**hole because I’m not allowing my best friend’s fiancé to live with us even though they’re getting married in two months.”
“That may make me an a**hole because they have never lived together, and this would be their opportunity to live together now, especially since they’re about to get married.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“Sounds like you have a freeloader, not a best friend. At least she’s found her match…”
“NTA, but probably time to have her move out too.” ~ 0biterdicta
“She’s shown you exactly who she is. Letting him move in would just be doubling down on a bad situation.” ~ New_Hearing4693
“NTA. You don’t need two freeloaders living with you. Both have shown their failure to adult several times. If he moved in, it’d take an eviction and an exorcist to get them both out.” ~ verminiusrex
“NTA, but your friend needs to go too. She’s behind on rent, and I’m betting your fiancée is just about done with this riff raff that comes along with this friend you’ve assumed responsibility over.”
“You’re allowing a lot of chaos in your life, and your partner’s, that you don’t need to. Choose your partner and your pets and build your life as adults.” ~ wayward_painter
“NTA. If you let him move in, you’ll never get rid of either of them.” ~ Lopsided_Tomatillo27
“NTA. I would absolutely not want a front row seat for whatever chaos is unleashed when these two actually live together for the first time. Based on his history, I’m guessing they’ll have some struggles.”
“They should be entirely responsible for their living space as a couple and not as a further imposition on the two of you beyond how generous you’ve been with her. She’s turning your 3-month offer into her long-term family home, and that wasn’t the deal.”
“It also doesn’t make sense for him to leave a job he just got for any of this. He needs to hold down a job and save some money.” ~ Illustrious-Shirt569
“NTA. Your friend has a hard time being respectful of your living arrangements. It’s almost certain her less-than-conscientious future husband would be worse about respecting any agreement you all came to about living arrangements.” ~ Sylphlin
“NTA. The future husband is a total loser, and you’d never get rid of him. Do not let this man into your house. He will always have an excuse why he can’t pay rent/help/do something. Let them find their own place in New York, or they can live with their aunt. You’ve been overly generous and helpful.” ~ EwwDavvidd
“NTA. I feel she’s really taking advantage of you and your fiancée’s kindness. I wouldn’t feel bad at all about telling her no. She and her fiancé need to make it on their own or go live with his Aunt together.” ~ chatterbox2024
“This ‘best friend’ is months behind in her rent, overstayed her welcome, but has the nerve to ask if she can move a man into a home of 3 women, adding up to a total of 7 cats, which is a result of him uprooting from upstate New York and quitting his (finally has one) job to move to Pennsylvania so she can get married?” ~ LolitaOPPAI
“YTA to you and your fiancée for letting this situation go on this long. Your friend is with her boyfriend because they are the same and it’s weird that you aren’t awake to that yet. You have propped her up for months.”
“The most NTA thing you could do is tell her absolutely not (no reasons, you don’t need to debate them) and unless she can get you $700 on the 1st of every month like clockwork, she needs to jump to his indulgent auntie’s house.” ~ Viva_Veracity1906
“NTA, but to put it bluntly, you are her doormat, not her best friend. I’m happy for you for standing your ground with him, but she is a problem too. She’s freeloading and took advantage of your kindness to shop for a job she liked.”
“Must be nice to not have to be responsible. I’m guessing you fed her during this time.” ~ Greedy-Dragonfly-341
“Man, y’all gotta get better friends. These are grown a** people not working because they don’t feel likd it.”
“She quits jobs at the drop of a hat while being a burden to others, and also has three cats in someone else’s house. He’s jobless and still plays scratchers, while living in his aunt’s house, not paying rent.”
“Man, he gives us video game playing potheads a bad name.” ~ User_-_-_Name
“The perfect solution would be for your best friend to move to New York to live with him and find a job near him.”
“Win-win for everyone, since you get your home back, your best friend (who is turning out to be unwilling to pay rent on a regular basis, so would LOVE to live rent-free with him) moves out, and you don’t have to put up with her free-loader boyfriend living with you.”
“Heaven forbid if they live with you and she gets pregnant. They would guilt you into not kicking them out because they have a baby, and you’d never have any peace at home.”
“If I were your fiancée, I’d leave because you’re picking your freeloader best friend over them.” ~ Successful_Voice8542
The OP has been extremely generous for months, but now that their friend wants to add another adult and two more cats into a situation she already can’t afford, it sounds like the time for “no” is here.