Content Warning: Sexual Harassment
It's an incredibly kind gesture to invite someone to stay with us in our home while they're going through a tough time in their life.
That doesn't mean we're inviting all of their friends, though, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Yourlocaredditor19 had no problem with her sister-in-law inviting friends over, until one of them blatantly started hitting on her husband.
But when she tried to talk to her sister-in-law about it, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked when her sister-in-law did not agree with her.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for telling my sister-in-law her friend is no longer allowed over because she wears revealing clothes around my husband?"
The OP invited her sister-in-law (SIL) into her home.
"I (23 [Female]) have a husband (24 [Male])."
"He has a sister (25 [Female]) who he's extremely close to. She and I have gotten along since my husband first introduced me to her, and I actually consider her my sister."
"Recently, she has started living with us."
"She was supposed to get married to her fiancée but last second, he canceled the wedding and she had nowhere to live since he was her support system financially. We took her in while she gets back up on her feet."
Everything was fine until one of the SIL's friends started visiting a lot.
"Well, since she lives with us, we allow her to bring over her friends."
"One friend (24 [Female]) in particular sleeps over a lot. I don't really mind since SIL's room is in the attic and her friend doesn't really come out of her room often."
"I have noticed, though, that when my husband is out and she comes out of the attic, she would wear big hoodies and long baggy pants."
"But as soon as my husband comes back, she'll go back up to the attic and come back wearing booty shorts and a basically transparent shirt which shows everything."
The OP was shocked after her husband came to her with some news.
"I thought I was overreacting and didn't do anything about it, but the other day my husband came to me shaking."
"When I asked him what was wrong, he basically cried to me that he felt extremely uncomfortable and angry."
"When I asked for a reason, he said that every time SIL's friend comes over, she literally flirts nonstop with him when no one is around."
"Once apparently she even took off her pants, and when he told her not to, she said that she just needed some air."
"The reason why he was so upset this time was because a few minutes earlier, she had tried to grab his hand. My husband hates physical touch with anyone he's not comfortable with, hence that was a breaking point for him."
The couple tried to talk to OP's sister-in-law about it.
"After a long discussion between us two, we told SIL how we didn't want her friend over anymore because she was making us both uncomfortable."
"SIL freaked out, saying that it wasn't her friend's fault that my husband 'was attracted to her' and started saying we were both some sexist assholes."
"I feel really bad honestly, I'm a big women's activist, and this has really made me feel like a sexist woman."
"Also SIL refuses to look at me now and I'm scared our relationship is ruined."
"I also feel bad because I know SIL's friend was a big support system for her during these hard times and I might have taken that away from her."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed the friend was blatantly sexually harassing the OP's husband.
"NTA, this 'friend' is sexually harassing your husband. It has less to do with what she chooses to wear and much more to do with her unwillingness to respect personal space and take a no. It's not sexist in the slightest."
"Would you at all accept a man coming in, taking off his pants, and touching someone against their will? It's the same for her." - Low_Consequence_1553
"It's disheartening to see OP question herself over this scenario because sexual harassment can 100% be committed by a woman against a man, and calling out that behavior is not being sexist or going against feminism!"
"OP is NTA and both she and her husband should not be subjected to this behavior in their own home." - tulipbunnys
"The sister is basically saying something along the lines of 'he wants it' when arguing that it's not the friend's fault he is 'attracted to her.' It's somehow his fault."
"It doesn't matter whether he has an aversion to physical touch or not. He has said he does not like her antics or her touching him, he's said he wants her to stop, has asked her to stop, and that it's making him uncomfortable."
"Those should be enough, whether it's a man or a woman asking for the behavior to stop." - erikaaldri
"Are you serious? This woman is SEXUALLY HARASSING your husband and you're worried that you're sexist because you said that she can't go to your house anymore and SEXUALLY HARASS your husband?"
"Do you really mean to tell me that if you had a sibling and their male friend took his pants off in front of you because it was too hot and tried to touch without consent that your husband would come here asking if he was betraying every man in the world because he told him he wasn't welcome anymore?"
"Wake up, OP." - roguishevenstar
Others agreed and wondered if it was time for the sister-in-law to move out.
"Quite the opposite - freedom from unwanted sexual attention has been a core value of feminism since the beginning. Therefore, calling it out is the feminist thing to do."
"NTA OP, and if your husband's sister is gonna call you names and make you uncomfortable in your own home I'd urge you to seriously consider whether this living arrangement should come to an end." - Announcement90
"The sister is literally brushing off sexual harassment against her brother. That is absolutely sickening, and I wouldn't want anyone living in my home, blood-related or not, who dismisses sexual harassment like that."
"NTA OP." - TroLLageK
"I was gonna say that the friend is the true sexist in the scenario, because she's sexually harassing him and expecting him to tolerate it because she's a woman and he's a man."
"Either SIL no longer allows her friend in the home, or OP and husband kick SIL out. Those are the only options to protect the husband. NTA." - wilderchai
"NTA. She can't hide behind feminism and cry sexism when she and her friend are being the AHs. Does SIL really like OP it does she want her friend to be his wife? The friend should respect their marriage."
"SIL may have worn out her welcome." - MadScientistCoder
The OP thought that she might have been overreaching in her reaction to what her sister-in-law's friend did, but the subReddit insisted that was ridiculous.
The evidence that her husband was being harassed was glaring, and second-guessing herself because the offender was a woman was a serious disservice to his husband and to be a true feminist.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.