People find love in all sorts of places.
People meet online, in bookstores, through mutual friends.
The possibilities are endless.
One place people tend not to look for love is among exes of our loved ones.
Redditor AlternativeForce9517 needed to discuss his issues regarding his brother’s choice of girlfriend. So he turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
He asked:
“AITAH for caring that my brother is dating my ex-wife?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Was with my ex-wife for ~8 years.”
“Ultimately, the relationship broke down with complicated fertility issues.”
“I was the one who called it.”
“10 years ago, I met my current wife.”
“We have now been married for 5 years.”
“After a lengthy I[n] V[itro] F[ertilization] process, which resulted in a donor, we now have two young children. “
“My ex-wife also now has a child – fertility issues were all mine.”
“Recently, I called my brother for his birthday.”
“After chatting, I asked what he was doing that night, and he saidhe was having dinner with X.”
“Being a common name, I didn’t think much of it in the moment.”
“But then, I thought what if… I went onto Facebook, and my ex-wife had posted a cutesy message on his profile for his birthday, and he had replied in kind.”
“I didn’t want to jump to assumptions, so I called our Mum and asked if my brother was seeing X (my brother sees Mum every day, so she would know).”
“Her response totally threw me. “
“She played dumb but then added, ‘So what if he is?'”
“The whole thing became me asking, ‘but isn’t this weird?’”
“And both my Mum and my Dad are saying it has nothing to do with me.”
“What did it matter?”
“I’m happy, and she’s not my property.”
“I hung up, knowing now he obviously was seeing her.”
“So I called him.”
“He has been seeing her for months.”
“Everyone kept me in the dark, and no one thought to tell me because they didn’t think it mattered.”
“The other complicated factor is that X really tried to mess with my relationship with my current wife (fake profiles created to contact my current wife, etc.).”
“Which I’m not sure my brother knows about, but my parents sure did.”
“I ended up telling my brother that if he’s seeing her, he won’t be seeing me, and hung up.”
“He tried to call back a few times, but I didn’t answer.”
“He then sent me a message saying, ‘real mature.'”
“So AITAH for thinking a conversation before him pursuing things with her was courteous?”
“In my opinion, you don’t pursue your siblings ex spouse. Ever.”
“But to do so without checking in, and for months…?”
“And then to make matters worse, my Dad calls to berate me for ‘abusing my mum,’ and she’s so upset and ‘I don’t know what I have done to her.'”
“And I can hear her swearing at us all in the background.”
“I never raised my voice during our conversation.”
“Also… had the conversation in the room with a nanny cam.”
“It’s all recorded.”
“And I’m good.”
“How do we come back from this?”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So… AITA?”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“They are adults and can do whatever they want.”
“But you doing whatever you want is also acceptable, and if you don’t want a life with your Ex in it, then that’s how it should be, NTA.”
“Side note, pretty rich your brother saying ‘real mature’ when he hid his adult relationship from you like a schoolboy who isn’t allowed to date.”
“He and your parents were lying for months by omission, which is a sneaky thing to do.” ~ AccomplishedChart873
“And it’s richer that ALL 3 are telling him to grow up and get over it.”
“If it wasn’t a big deal, why hide it for months?”
“OP, just block them all… but especially take a major break from your parents.”
“I expect questionable behavior from a younger sibling; it happens.”
“But for mom to be that manipulative and evil, and dad to not only go along with it but to actively back her??”
“Yeah, no.”
“Brother screwed up by going for the ex.”
“Parents are worse because they’re supposed to love and support all kids equally.”
“OP’s parents don’t even like him, it seems let alone love and support him.”
“I’d cut them off and let them enjoy their golden boy and his trash girlfriend.” ~ HeyPrettyLadyMaam
“Totally agree, also uncomfortable with parents, obviously siding with and choosing brother and ex’s relationship.” ~ Ilovewally
“Your family not telling you because they didn’t think it mattered is such an obvious lie.”
“No one said anything because they knew how sketchy this whole situation is, and now they want to flip this around and act like you’re the problem.”
“Sounds like betrayal to me.”
“I’m sorry you’re in this situation.”
“I’d go no contact also.”
“It’s not immature, it’s protecting your peace.”
“I wish you good luck.” ~ raucus_one
“They were 100% trying to wait it out until there was ‘enough’ time in the relationship so people wouldn’t judge too harshly.”
“‘Why are you getting upset now? They have been together a year, do you really want to destroy a solid year-long relationship because you two had differences years ago?'”
“Since they don’t think the relationship is wrong at all, it gives OP carte blanche to make a social media post about how they found out, how long it was kept from him, and what the ex had previously done to attempt to destroy OP’s current relationship.” ~ LindonLilBlueBalls
“Oof. I mean, your brother is obviously in the wrong.”
“I would also be MASSIVELY suspicious she has got together with him on purpose to try and stir shit up with your family.”
“Also, I will never understand when parents just think this kind of thing is okay and side with one sibling over another when it’s the other sibling, i.e., your brother, who is clearly in the wrong.”
“NTA. Hold your ground, and they may see sense eventually.” ~ GreenTeaShaman
“My thoughts exactly.”
“Ex-wife did it to mess with OP.”
“The parents enabling this is insane, and brother’s behavior is despicable.”
“It’s a massive treachery.”
“On the plus side, his brother chose his own punishment.”
“Get the popcorn ready for when their relationship goes to the dogs, and he comes grovelling, asking for your forgiveness and venting.”
“Your best revenge is living your best life.”
“Big hugs.” ~ Mapilean
“NTA – There are BILLIONS of options in this world, yet he gets with your ex-WIFE!?”
“Brother needs to learn how to approach and interact with new women, in my opinion.” ~ sol_omonn
“NTA. But I think you need to write an email to your brother, mother, and father and lay out all of the things this ex has done, lay out your hurt that this was hidden from you, and that to keep your family safe, you will not be intermingling with them until all of these previous points are dealt with.” ~ Vivid-Isopod-7018
“NTA. They connived to keep you in the dark because they know it’s morally wrong.”
“No one hides good news; that should have been good news if it was morally right.”
“There’s no coming back unless your brother finds someone else, because as long as X is still in the picture, relationships will be strained, and she seemingly still has you on her mind, so things could go awry if close contact is established based on an in-law relationship.” ~ Serious-Shopping-119
“I need more information.”
“You were with your wife for 8 years.”
“You broke off your relationship because you thought she couldn’t get pregnant.”
“Turns out, it was your issue.”
“You said you met your current wife 10 years ago andhave been married for 5 years.”
“Did you meet your current wife whilst still married to wife #1?”
“Because that might explain the situation about your ex-wife creating fake profiles to reach out to your current wife if you were cheating.”
“Otherwise, your brother should have understood that his being with your ex would create issues.”
“Unless he lives in a very small town, he should have had other options.”
“NTA (unless you cheated on your ex-wife with your current wife- then you would be the AH).” ~ MimZWay
“They didn’t tell you because they know it matters, it is weird, but there’s not much you can do.”
“It’s entirely up to you if you understandably distance yourself; you’re not going to change your parents’ minds at this point.”
“Just let it play out and watch from a distance if you want, or completely ignore it. NTA.” ~ Plastic_Truth3053
“NTA. There are 8 billion people, and your brother had to go after your ex.”
“The fact that no one told you, and it had been going on for a while, it proof that they know it’s weird AF.”
“Also, any chance of remaining cordial kind of went out of the window when ex tried to sabotage your current relationship.”
“I assume brother is the golden child. Is he the father of your ex’s kid?”
“Anyone from outside the situation would agree it seems very uncomfortable to be ina situation where your ex’s kid is your brother’s child( also your nephew).”
“Before they started dating, your brother should have come to you and cleared it with you first.”
“Your brother’s real mature comment is a bit rich considering his actions.”
“I’d agree it would be a valid move if u were to cut these people.out of your life.” ~ Babaychumaylalji
“NTA, she literally stalked and harassed you.” ~ CarrieDurst
This is an intense situation, OP.
Reddit has your back.
Your family is so far out of line, the line is out of sight.
It’s not just weird, it’s creepy.
Stay focused on your family.
Good Luck.