Bodily autonomy, especially for children, wasn’t a consideration when I was a child. That wasn’t a good thing.
Bodily autonomy is “the right to make decisions about your own body without violence or coercion.”
Teaching children always to obey adults’ demands on their body—even if it’s just family members’ requests for hugs and kisses—opens the door to potential trauma or harm.
In modern society, it’s common for childhood development professionals to advise parents to allow their child some level of age-appropriate autonomy. Hair and clothing are often easy ways to start.
A stepmom trying to protect her stepson’s autonomy turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Standard_Display6293 asked:
“AITA for how I reacted to my husband’s ex-wife’s girlfriend buzzing my stepsons hair?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“To explain the relationships here, I (30, female) married my husband, ‘Alex’ (31, male) about a year ago, but we’ve been together for four years. He was previously married and after they had agreed to divorce, she told him she was pregnant.”
“We’ll call his ex (30, female) ‘Kate’. Kate had been cheating on Alex with ‘Jess’ (32, fdmale), for about a year. I had known Alex for years through mutual friends and I met his son when he was 6 months old.”
“So present day, Kate and Jess are together still, but very hot and cold. I went to pick up my stepson from school, Jess had dropped him off, and he seemed quiet and sad.”
“I asked him what was wrong, and he said he was sad because he had no hair. He has beautiful curly hair; he told us he wanted to grow out into a mullet.”
“At that time, my husband cleared it with his mom that they were both OK with that, and she agreed to have me trim it as needed like around his ears.”
“His mom did take him to a barber once and he had a miserable time, and ever since then I have been doing it, per Kate’s request actually. Doing it made her nervous, and she figured hair could be something he could share with his dad’s household.”
“My husband always just cut his own hair with clippers with one guard length, his mom did it when he was younger, he’s literally never been to a barber. I got him to agree to try a different style if I did it, so I watched hours of tutorials, and my amazing hairdresser even showed me some tips.”
“It’s usually bonding time for us. Then anytime I cut my husband’s hair, I would cut his son’s too and he got to be ‘just like dad. ‘”
“He took his hat of,f and it was buzzed down to his scalp. I was shocked, but just said, ‘well I think you look very handsome, but I thought you wanted to grow it out, why did you cut it?'”
“Apparently Jess was going to ‘trim’ it and forgot to put a guard on. When she realized that, it was too late and she had to buzz it.”
“When we got home, I called Kate. She didn’t know how bad the haircut was and was tied up at a work event.”
“She suggested I make sure I get the whole story on what happened, so with her permission, I went right to Jess after I called my husband—who was driving home from a couple hours away—and explained what was going on.”
“So I call Jess, ask to verify what he said, and tell her how upset he was. She said that is exactly what happened, but didn’t see why it was such a big deal.”
“She kept saying I’m overreacting and it’s just hair, so I tried to explain that as a kid there’s so much he doesn’t get a say in, so it was a big deal to him. I told her she should never go near his head with clippers again.”
“I’ve never gotten into an argument with Jess, and typically, we got along well enough in our minimal interactions or ones with all four of us.”
“I told her she should apologize to him, and she said I was overreacting. To that, I said he deserves one because she took away a choice he had made for his own hair.”
“She said I was overreacting, he’s just a kid, he won’t remember it. I told her to talk to Kate about why it matters. She said Kate would agree with her—which I already knew was wrong.”
“She came back with ‘well you’re not his mom’ and when I reminded her she wasn’t either, she said ‘I’m a hell of a lot closer than you, I’ve been there since day one’. To which I said, ‘yeah, because you were an affair partner. Don’t cut his hair again’ and hung up.”
“I called my husband back to explain everything and calm down. He had been on the phone with Kate discussing things as well, and I texted Kate to give an overview and say I was sorry if I overreacted.”
“It’s the next day and Jess is trying to tell Kate I shouldn’t be allowed to cut his hair if she can’t, and I need to get my ‘parenting privileges’ taken away. I think that’s crazy.”
“And just to clarify my role as a stepparent, Kate and my husband meet twice a year— alone—to discuss parenting things. And at the last one, Kate said she is comfortable with seeing me as a parent and is ready to include me in the meetings going forward.”
“But AITA for being upset with Jess for not only buzzing his hair but for how she reacted trying to minimize it?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I might be the a**hole because of what I said to my husband’s ex-wife’s girlfriend in reaction to her buzzing my stepson’s hair.”
“I may have gone too far with what I said, but she disregarded his autonomy and then was minimizing his feelings about it.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA and I don’t believe Jess. As soon as she saw that she’d shaved it too short in one area, that meant she had to shave his entire head?”
“I bet she didn’t like that she was the only one not included in the mullet decision, so she did this on purpose.” ~ coldgator
“NTA. Your stepson’s haircut wasn’t just an accident—it was a disregard for his feelings and autonomy. He had expressed that he wanted to grow his hair out, and both of his biological parents had agreed to let him.”
“Jess, whether intentionally or not, took that choice away from him. The fact that she dismissed his feelings and your concerns only makes it worse.”
“Your reaction was reasonable. You calmly addressed the situation, sought clarification, and stood up for your stepson. Jess, on the other hand, turned defensive and disrespectful, making it about power and control rather than the child’s well-being.”
“As for her argument that you’re ‘not his mom’, your role has already been acknowledged by both biological parents. If Kate and your husband are comfortable with you being involved, then Jess has no authority to dictate otherwise.”
“Ultimately, your stepson’s feelings should be the priority, and you were advocating for him. So no, you’re not the a**hole. Jess is, both for the haircut mishap and her reaction afterward.” ~ ThawNeaw
“NTA. She did it without his permission, she did it without anyone’s permission. She was out of line.”
“I notice that Kate has said that she wants to include you in parenting meetings and not Jess. She’s not ready to parent and even Kate knows that.” ~ aranelsaraphim
The OP provided two updates:
“We found out later that Jess did this on purpose. Which yeah, having clippers out at all made me suspicious of that.”
“She tried to claim she wanted to make it more of a mullet by shaving down the sides a bit, but then later tried to say it wasn’t salvageable because she started at the top. So Kate called her out on the inconsistencies, and then the blow up happened, and she admitted to doing it on purpose.”
“My husband talked to Kate about why Jess would do that and react how she did while he was driving home. Kate admitted she has noticed Jess asking questions about what I do, and saying little digs at me around their son.”
“Like he will tell a story from our house, and she’ll find a way to say something negative about me. She lightly called her out on this one time, and Jess had a really negative response.”
“Kate and my husband were going to meet tomorrow to talk about it, but Kate called me, very upset, saying they got in a fight. She doesn’t have a lot of family, so this isn’t the first time she has called me needing someone to talk to that knows the whole dynamic.”
“I said she could come over and talk about it if she wanted and she took me up on it. So she came over, we all played Hot Wheels for a bit, seeing their son obviously helped calm her down, and then I took him to the playroom while Alex and Kate talked.”
“Apparently Jess is tired of not being treated like as much of a parent as me—in her eyes—and cut his hair on purpose, basically to make a parenting decision that couldn’t be reversed.”
“That came out in a heated blowup from her when Kate insisted she was okay with me cutting his hair so he could have the style he wanted since I was good at it. Some more heated words were shared and Jess gave Kate the ultimatum of ‘treat me as good as you do her or we’re done’ then she stormed off and Kate called me.”
“Next, Kate and Alex came in and talked to their son alone and asked some gentle questions about Jess while they played. He said sometimes she yells and he doesn’t like it, she has spanked him, and he wouldn’t be sad if she wasn’t there.”
“We all ate dinner together so our son could see that everything was okay, and we all told him how many fun things we could do with his hair as it grows back. He will be going to a professional for cuts though.”
“After Kate went home, my husband even buzzed his head and told our son that he thought it was so cool he wanted to match him. As of now, Kate is planning to end things for good, and I sure hope it sticks. That’s all I got, folks.”
They later added:
“I had no intentions of posting another update, but I have gotten a lot of DM‘s asking if anything has changed, so here is a final update before I log out of this account.”
“Kate and Jess met to talk, and I don’t know everything that was said, but all I do know is that Kate then told us she would be filing for a restraining order against Jess and asked for my help because, unfortunately, I have had to file for one before.”
“Then Kate and Alex met at our house and talked over what that means for their son, and that conversation turned into what my role is as a parent.”
“Kate and Alex are now in the process of amending their parenting agreement, which, frankly, they said was overdue anyway because he’s older now and all these agreements were made when he was an infant and their divorce was really raw.”
“They asked me if I would be comfortable being written into the agreement to have things like the ability to take him to the doctor, be a designated contact, and a next of kin if anything happens to them, etc…”
“They will also add in guidelines for introducing any of Kate’s future partners.”
“A lot of commenters said I needed to back off and let the parents handle this. While there are things I for sure could have done differently, I spoke with both Alex and Kate and they both agreed they were thankful for how this happened and were glad I was the one who picked him up that day.”
“But overall, Kate is upset, kiddo is picking out the stencils that he wants to spray designs into his hair as it grows out, all schools and family members have been informed that Jess is no longer allowed near anyone in this family on either side, and some important conversations have been had.”
It’s really unfortunate the child had to be the one to suffer the consequences of an adult’s insecurities.
But it sounds like the aftermath is putting his needs first.