People who choose to remain single or not to have children get very tired of being asked, told, badgered, and harassed about their marital status or decision to remain childless.
A lot of the pressure can come from those closest to them—their family.
After years of hearing that broken record, is iet OK to clap back?
A woman dealing with a cousin who won’t quit pressuring her about marriage turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
IndigoBlueish asked:
“AITA for telling a married woman her marriage sounds miserable?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (45, female) attended a wedding a few weeks ago when a cousin (55, female) was talking about how she wishes I would marry.”
“I’ve heard the struggles of her marriage—she cheated, he took her back, they do everything he wants, she’s given up her hobbies and learned to enjoy his, he controls the money, she works part-time and she could never afford to live on her own, etc…—and for 20 years I’ve heard how I should get married.”
“I’ve always said it’s not a priority, and if it happens, it happens.”
“I’ve repeatedly said throughout the years I enjoy being single. I’ve been proposed to multiple times and I like living life on my terms.”
“I can embrace my hobbies—which are expensive—have a great job, live on my own, have great friends, I travel, and I’ve had great longterm relationships. My life is full.
“I’ve been financially independent since I was 22—she has never been financially independent. The entire family knows I’m generous with my time and money—whether it’s a gift or helping somebody out financially without expecting repayment for electricity, groceries, school expenses, etc…”
“Marriage has NEVER been a priority to me.”
“I finally had it with the comments and her not respecting my life. I finally told her I respect her opinions, but I felt like her marriage was that of convenience and sounds absolutely miserable to me.”
“I would die a slow death if I was in a marriage like hers—all of which is true. I like being able to make my own decisions and if the right person comes along it’s fine, but that it’s not a goal of mine—never has been.”
“The look of shock on her face said it all.”
“She didn’t care for that and is painting me out to be mean. After 20 years of comments and pressure, I finally said what needed to be said to get the comments to stop.”
“She couldn’t fathom that somebody wouldn’t want to have her life, and to me, it sounds like a prison sentence. She also can’t fathom somebody could be happy living my life.”
“So AITA?”
The OP added:
“More on her audacity. She called me an hour ago b*tching me out because I offered to give my 2nd car to my brother’s daughter for her 16th birthday since I never drive it.”
“My niece posted on social media thanking me for being so generous. She wanted to know why I wouldn’t offer it to her kid who is in college and ‘needs it more’ than my niece.”
“I simply told her it’s my decision what I do with my car and that my niece and I are close. She went on for 20 minutes before I bluntly said ‘it’s my car and my choice of what to do with it. Deal with it’.”
“Then I hung up.”
The OP summed up their predicament.
“I told her that her marriage sounds miserable, and I think I may be the a**hole for that. I could have said it nicer, but after 20 years of hearing the same thing, I just need it to stop.”
“Her marriage does sound miserable to me, but it works for her. She hasn’t respected my lifestyle.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Some decided everyone sucked (ESH).
“ESH. Being sh*tty in response to being sh*tty is still sh*tty.”
“All that maturity and you can’t think of a single better way to handle a situation than to go nuclear and insult someone’s marriage?”
“They’re sh*tty and annoying, no doubt, and it’s really f*cked to do that for so long, but 2 wrongs do not make a right. You’re not meeting her aggression level, you’re blowing her out of the water.”
“‘Oh my god, can you shut up? I’m going to stop talking to you if you bring that up one more time, and no I’m not joking’ and then follow through with ‘We agreed I am no longer on speaking terms with you’ is also aggressive and insulting, sure, but you don’t gotta nuke someone’s marriage.”
“Lets stop the morality of it for 5 seconds and think pragmatically; it’s antagonistic. That isn’t going to solve the problem, it’s going to make it worse.”
“If you thought they were annoying, rude, and insulting before, well congrats; now they’re calling you a b*tch and harassing your family. If there’s a big raging fire, you don’t pour more fuel on the fire.”
“So if it’s not solving the problem, it’s just being rude because you want to be rude back, in other words, ESH.” ~ hukgrackmountain
“Technically ESH, but sometimes it’s justified. This is definitely justified.” ~ spacemonkeypantz
“ESH a bit. Your cousin should stop nagging, but from what I can tell, all she is saying to you is ‘you should get married’.”
“You don’t say it, so I assume she is not judging you or telling you your life choices are bad, just saying the age-old ‘So when are you getting married?’.”
“You doubled down by not only shutting her down and telling her that ‘you’ve had it with her comments and not respecting your life choices,’ but you went WAY further and attacked her marriage.”
“She’s not wrong, it WAS mean, so I see no dilemma here. She ranted at you, you ranted at her in a way meaner way, she called you mean, you ARE mean…it’s done.” ~ Canadian_01
But the overwhelming majority of Redditors felt the OP was not the a**hole (NTA)
“NTA. There’s an old saying: ‘misery loves company’. My very single daughter keeps being asked when she’s going to ‘settle down’ by relatives in dismal relationships, and she’s 40 this year.”
“Far better to be happily single than browbeaten and financially dependent.” ~ Remember1959
“NTA, definitely the energy we need in 2024. If you insist on harassing a friend or family member about not marrying or not having children, I’m more than happy to put your life under a microscope as exhibit A for why you should STFU.”
“Every time we take the opportunity to make someone that pushy feel a trickle of regret for running their mouth, we all win.” ~ whatsmypassword73
“Seriously NTA!! The cousin is just doing some weird projection. She’s in denial about her own life and is trying to make OP’s life seem like the bad choice.”
“Some people do an incredible amount of mental gymnastics to justify their actions. If the cousin actually looked at her life for what it was, her world would crash down. Instead she uses OP as some nonsensical scapegoat.”
“Good for OP living their best damn life. It was long overdue for the cousin to be told off.”
“There’s nothing better than being able to fully take care of yourself and live how you truly want. You don’t need anyone else. If someone comes along, they’re an added benefit versus some savior.”
“That’s how it should be! It should be two fully capable people coming together to form a partnership. A relationship should never be someone adopting an adult.”
“OP, next time your cousin says some garbage, smile and talk about the amazing trip you just went on or whatever fancy thing you bought yourself.” ~ wildmoonrising
“NTA. She had it coming, not many people would have had the balls to say the truth like that.”
“Be prepared from some frosty future family events though. I don’t think she’ll forget/forgive somehow.” ~ Fromasha
The OP posted an update.
“Had a zoom tonight with my family and we read through this.”
“Unbeknownst to me, my parents and her parents have talked to her about this inappropriate behavior for years—going back to my 20s—even saying ‘we don’t talk about your choices, so stop pushing marriage on her’.”
“She’s also made comments to my siblings, trying to bring them down. My parents had no idea because we try not to make it a bigger deal.”
“It’s all jealousy. Well, my mild-mannered parents are pissed and have stated that next family get-together, they are going to ask her how she and her husband got past the cheating and make comments to her about her life choices and her bullying.”
“I think that’s going too far, but given that the ‘adults’ spoke to her several times and she keeps doing it, I’ll allow them to put her in her place.
“Petty, but now that I know they spoke to her several times, the gloves are off. I’m NTA.”
It’s helpful to the OP to have her family’s support.
It sounds like the older generation is going to take care of it from here.