People who choose to remain single or not to have children get very tired of being asked, told, badgered, and harassed about their marital status or decision to remain childless.
A lot of the pressure can come from those closest to them—their family.
After years of hearing that broken record, is iet OK to clap back?
A woman dealing with a cousin who won't quit pressuring her about marriage turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
IndigoBlueish asked:
"AITA for telling a married woman her marriage sounds miserable?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (45, female) attended a wedding a few weeks ago when a cousin (55, female) was talking about how she wishes I would marry."
"I've heard the struggles of her marriage—she cheated, he took her back, they do everything he wants, she's given up her hobbies and learned to enjoy his, he controls the money, she works part-time and she could never afford to live on her own, etc...—and for 20 years I've heard how I should get married."
"I've always said it's not a priority, and if it happens, it happens."
"I've repeatedly said throughout the years I enjoy being single. I've been proposed to multiple times and I like living life on my terms."
"I can embrace my hobbies—which are expensive—have a great job, live on my own, have great friends, I travel, and I've had great longterm relationships. My life is full.
"I've been financially independent since I was 22—she has never been financially independent. The entire family knows I'm generous with my time and money—whether it's a gift or helping somebody out financially without expecting repayment for electricity, groceries, school expenses, etc..."
"Marriage has NEVER been a priority to me."
"I finally had it with the comments and her not respecting my life. I finally told her I respect her opinions, but I felt like her marriage was that of convenience and sounds absolutely miserable to me."
"I would die a slow death if I was in a marriage like hers—all of which is true. I like being able to make my own decisions and if the right person comes along it's fine, but that it's not a goal of mine—never has been."
"The look of shock on her face said it all."
"She didn't care for that and is painting me out to be mean. After 20 years of comments and pressure, I finally said what needed to be said to get the comments to stop."
"She couldn't fathom that somebody wouldn't want to have her life, and to me, it sounds like a prison sentence. She also can't fathom somebody could be happy living my life."
"So AITA?"
The OP added:
"More on her audacity. She called me an hour ago b*tching me out because I offered to give my 2nd car to my brother's daughter for her 16th birthday since I never drive it."
"My niece posted on social media thanking me for being so generous. She wanted to know why I wouldn't offer it to her kid who is in college and 'needs it more' than my niece."
"I simply told her it's my decision what I do with my car and that my niece and I are close. She went on for 20 minutes before I bluntly said 'it's my car and my choice of what to do with it. Deal with it'."
"Then I hung up."
The OP summed up their predicament.
"I told her that her marriage sounds miserable, and I think I may be the a**hole for that. I could have said it nicer, but after 20 years of hearing the same thing, I just need it to stop."
"Her marriage does sound miserable to me, but it works for her. She hasn't respected my lifestyle."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Some decided everyone sucked (ESH).
"ESH. Being sh*tty in response to being sh*tty is still sh*tty."
"All that maturity and you can't think of a single better way to handle a situation than to go nuclear and insult someone's marriage?"
"They're sh*tty and annoying, no doubt, and it's really f*cked to do that for so long, but 2 wrongs do not make a right. You're not meeting her aggression level, you're blowing her out of the water."
"'Oh my god, can you shut up? I'm going to stop talking to you if you bring that up one more time, and no I'm not joking' and then follow through with 'We agreed I am no longer on speaking terms with you' is also aggressive and insulting, sure, but you don't gotta nuke someone's marriage."
"Lets stop the morality of it for 5 seconds and think pragmatically; it's antagonistic. That isn't going to solve the problem, it's going to make it worse."
"If you thought they were annoying, rude, and insulting before, well congrats; now they're calling you a b*tch and harassing your family. If there's a big raging fire, you don't pour more fuel on the fire."
"So if it's not solving the problem, it's just being rude because you want to be rude back, in other words, ESH." ~ hukgrackmountain
"Technically ESH, but sometimes it's justified. This is definitely justified." ~ spacemonkeypantz
"ESH a bit. Your cousin should stop nagging, but from what I can tell, all she is saying to you is 'you should get married'."
"You don't say it, so I assume she is not judging you or telling you your life choices are bad, just saying the age-old 'So when are you getting married?'."
"You doubled down by not only shutting her down and telling her that 'you've had it with her comments and not respecting your life choices,' but you went WAY further and attacked her marriage."
"She's not wrong, it WAS mean, so I see no dilemma here. She ranted at you, you ranted at her in a way meaner way, she called you mean, you ARE mean...it's done." ~ Canadian_01
But the overwhelming majority of Redditors felt the OP was not the a**hole (NTA)
"NTA. There's an old saying: 'misery loves company'. My very single daughter keeps being asked when she's going to 'settle down' by relatives in dismal relationships, and she's 40 this year."
"Far better to be happily single than browbeaten and financially dependent." ~ Remember1959
"NTA, definitely the energy we need in 2024. If you insist on harassing a friend or family member about not marrying or not having children, I'm more than happy to put your life under a microscope as exhibit A for why you should STFU."
"Every time we take the opportunity to make someone that pushy feel a trickle of regret for running their mouth, we all win." ~ whatsmypassword73
"Seriously NTA!! The cousin is just doing some weird projection. She's in denial about her own life and is trying to make OP's life seem like the bad choice."
"Some people do an incredible amount of mental gymnastics to justify their actions. If the cousin actually looked at her life for what it was, her world would crash down. Instead she uses OP as some nonsensical scapegoat."
"Good for OP living their best damn life. It was long overdue for the cousin to be told off."
"There's nothing better than being able to fully take care of yourself and live how you truly want. You don't need anyone else. If someone comes along, they're an added benefit versus some savior."
"That's how it should be! It should be two fully capable people coming together to form a partnership. A relationship should never be someone adopting an adult."
"OP, next time your cousin says some garbage, smile and talk about the amazing trip you just went on or whatever fancy thing you bought yourself." ~ wildmoonrising
"NTA. She had it coming, not many people would have had the balls to say the truth like that."
"Be prepared from some frosty future family events though. I don't think she'll forget/forgive somehow." ~ Fromasha
The OP posted an update.
"Had a zoom tonight with my family and we read through this."
"Unbeknownst to me, my parents and her parents have talked to her about this inappropriate behavior for years—going back to my 20s—even saying 'we don't talk about your choices, so stop pushing marriage on her'."
"She's also made comments to my siblings, trying to bring them down. My parents had no idea because we try not to make it a bigger deal."
"It's all jealousy. Well, my mild-mannered parents are pissed and have stated that next family get-together, they are going to ask her how she and her husband got past the cheating and make comments to her about her life choices and her bullying."
"I think that's going too far, but given that the 'adults' spoke to her several times and she keeps doing it, I'll allow them to put her in her place.
"Petty, but now that I know they spoke to her several times, the gloves are off. I'm NTA."
It's helpful to the OP to have her family's support.
It sounds like the older generation is going to take care of it from here.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp