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Woman Called ‘Spoiled Princess’ For Neglecting To Help Elderly MIL Cook And Clean For Party

older woman tasting sauce cooking in dutch oven
Choreograph/Getty Images

Should guests offer to help the host? I was taught to always offer assistance, even if you think they might decline.

But I’m also a good cook who enjoys being in the kitchen.

A wife who isn’t so inclined turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.

Iamoldsowhat asked:

“AITA for not helping out when I was a guest at my in-laws’?”

The original poster (OP) explained:

“So I have this theory (maybe faulty) that when one hosts a dinner party, the host(s) does everything and guests relax. whenever I have guests over, I don’t want them helping me set the table, or doing the dishes, I want them having fun and drinking and enjoying.”

“I was recently at my in-laws. My mother-in-law (MIL) cooked up a storm and was frantically running in and out of the kitchen with various dishes, etc… I ate, took my plate to the kitchen, rinsed it off, then I saw my father-in-law (FIL) sitting watching the game on TV, so I sat with him and chatted, sipping wine.”

“When we got home, my husband was really upset I did not help his mom bring out the dishes, or clean up after the dinner. I was surprised and said, ‘I am the guest, when she is over our house I don’t ask her’.”

“He said, ‘but she always offers. You should have offered’. I said, ‘but I don’t feel like doing housework when I am a guest at someone’s house’. I don’t really like cooking and usually order take out when I have guests.”

“My husband said, ‘this is not some stranger, this is family, you didn’t see how tired my mom was? Everyone was helping and you just sat there and drank like a spoiled princess’.”

“He likes to bring that up, because I am an only child and maybe I am a little spoiled. When I brought up his father and how the father was not helping, he got even angrier.”

“So I don’t know maybe I am in the wrong here. but I don’t want to be handling dishes and stuff when I am tipsy.”

“Ages for those who are interested: me and husband 45, female/45,male; mother- and father-in-laws both 70.”

The OP later added:

“People asking me if husband helped. Yes, he did, but he just needed to carry plates from table to kitchen. Women were expected to help prep the food and I am not great at cutting food or cooking.”

“So my husband and his brother and my son were helping, but they’re really close with their mom/grandmom. My FiL and his male friend were watching football on the couch, so I watched with them and drank my wine to relax and enjoy myself.”

“I would have done the dishes but last time I was there I didn’t do them correctly and my MIL told me to just rinse them and leave them in the sink. I don’t know. I load and unload dishwasher in my own house all the time but she didn’t like the way I did it last few times I was over there.”

“I am just fed up at this point—it’s been 20 years they should get used to me by now. But they’re not. We have these fights every time we visit in-laws, and I use every excuse not to visit them, then my MIL calls me and says she misses me. And that it’s not right my husband is there by himself all the time.”

“I am family, not their slave. Like, I don’t make them help when they’re over my place.”

The OP summed up their situation.

“I did not help with clean up and set up of dinner. I may be the AH because mother in law was very tired and it is polite to offer help.”

Redditors weighed in by declaring:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors decided the OP was the a**hole.

“YTA. OP stated in the comments that everyone, including her husband, was helping. Only she and her FIL didn’t.” ~ L1ttleFr0g

“And for her to fire back ‘your dad wasn’t helping’ is really crappy. These are elderly people.”

“They have put in their time doing all these things. The man earned the right to sit down. I’m the same age as OP and in my husband’s family, we refer to the parents as ‘the elders’.”

“We (the ones in my age group, tend to be the children of the elders) have all stepped in to take over the roles that the elders held when they were younger. The elders put their time in, they can relax now. YTA, OP.” ~ Lissypooh628

“A 70-year-old dad can absolutely sit and watch football if he’s tired while EVERYONE ELSE is working. Others, nah. If really EVERYONE ELSE was helping other than the dad, then OP is indeed a ‘spoiled princess’.”

“It’s basic etiquette to at least OFFER to CLEAR THE TABLE. And I’m even not talking about helping in preparing the food, but just helping in cleaning in the end. I can’t imagine someone sitting and enjoying their wine while the 70-year-old in the home is running around and clearing the table. With or without other’s help.”

“OP confirmed that her husband was indeed helping in the comments. It’s not a stranger’s home. It’s your family. It’s irking me in a wrong way that she compares herself to the 70-year-old father-in-law while her own husband is helping around.”

“You don’t get to help only if all the elders in the family are also helping. It’s a basic thing in many homes that younger ones, regardless of gender, help in chores while older ones sit and relax.”

“Changing it to sexism when both the HUSBAND and his BROTHER is helping is sh*tty. It’s not about men vs women like many are trying to twist it now. YTA.” ~ Drama_Pumpkin

“Etiquette says that at a house party with no servants, all the guests offer to help clean up. The host(ess) can politely refuses if she chooses, or she can say, ‘Thank you. Would you grab the soup bowls?’.”

“The purpose of etiquette is to make sure angry situations like this one don’t happen. Everyone knows what to do and what to expect. YTA.” ~ AuntNobody

“Exactly.YTA. When I host, I do all the chores, but still I find it pleasant if help is offered.”

“I mostly refuse, unless it’s really too much (like all dishes are ready at the same time, oven is beeping, etc…), then I might ask someone to bring a dish inside, or help bring the dirty stuff into the kitchen. But I expect this from all my guests, not just the women.” ~ Hjorrild

“YTA. As a guest in someone’s home, if you make me dinner, buy the food, and open your house to me, I’m at the very least asking if I can help. Regardless of what anyone else is doing.”

“It’s just good manners. Maybe if I help, others will pitch in too. Do I feel like doing housework ever? No! But I also got to skip making dinner and cleaning the house for guests because of the host.”

“A 15 minute chore can help someone save an hour when they probably already spent a few hours preparing for me. Many hands makes light work. Treat people how you’d like to be treated.”

“You had the chance to score some goodwill with your mother-in-law and also have the favor returned to you in the future. You kinda screwed the pooch on this one. If you care about your family, take the 10 minutes to help out.” ~ RecommendationBrief9

“The anecdote you listed of doing something poorly until someone jumps in and takes over out of frustration is like a web comic I saw to trick your spouse into loading the dishwasher.”

“Don’t do that. If you’re asked to do something you suck at, be honest and humbly say you’re not great at it, and they’ll either pivot you or they will say it’s OK, take your time.”

“The idea of not wanting to help prep food or clean up baffles me. The comradery and togetherness of prepping food together is a unique pleasure in life.”

“Helping loved ones and seeing their relief and appreciation are priceless. They won’t be around forever. That’s what the dinners are for. Take every chance you can get. YTA.” ~ LunaticMS

“OK, if no one was helping you would not be the a**hole, but I read this in your comments: ‘everyone was helping and you just sat there’.”

“If that is really so, and you were the only one who did not help (besides your FIL), then yes, YTA.”

“Besides, when you are a guest in someone’s house, it’s polite to offer to help.” ~ BaRiMaLi

“YTA. It is always the right thing to do to offer to help. It takes a lot of work to have people over and to cook for them.”

“Maybe you don’t realize that since you order takeout. I think you need to be more self aware and gracious.”

“Based on your comments, you really sound spoiled.” ~ Single_Cancel_4873

“So all the men of your generation and younger were helping out the 70-year-old woman? And you thought, ‘hey, you know what I’ll do? I’ll go sit with the two old guys’.” ~ rlytired

“At the very minimum, you should have offered to help, and been prepared to grab up plates/cutlery, glasses, food dishes, help put food away, or anything else until the job was done. Get off your lazy spoiled a** OP and do better.”

“Also, stop embarrassing your husband. These are older family members, and clearly the other men save your 70-year-old father-in-law and a likely similarly aged guest of his were all pitching in. I’m sure most in your husband’s family think you are inept spoiled and lazy.”

“‘BuT I cAn’T evEn cHOp VegeTaBlEs’ wah wah wah, talk about weaponized incompetence. If I were your parent and heard you behaved this way when in a relative’s home, I would be ashamed at how I failed when I parented you.”

“You need to apologize to your spouse and make every effort to never do this again- whether at your MIL/FIL’s home or any of the siblings’ homes. YTA, massively.” ~ Ok-Cake2637

The OP provided an initial update.

“Thanks for the comments. I am a bit spoiled and a bit of a princess, now that I realize. Can I offer to help, but put up boundaries? Like, I don’t like prepping food.”

“I can carry stuff to and from the kitchen. Like, one time my MIL asked me to cut vegetables and it was very difficult and I could hear she was getting a little frustrated and said, ‘it’s OK, I will do it myself’.”

Followed later by:

“Part of the reason for me posting this is because I got invited over their house yesterday for a holiday and I wanted to see how to act. Because everyone labeled me an a**hole, I made sure to ask and offer to help out.”

“But MIL said she doesn’t need any help and said I don’t need to be in the kitchen. Plus she had at least 4 people in the kitchen helping her.

“And my son was helping her make some fancy beef wellington thingy. So I guess whether or not I ask, they don’t want me helping.”

“But the good thing is my husband wasn’t mad and was happy when we came home. so thanks all for your input!”

Weaponized incompetence is defined as a “passive-aggressive behavior where someone intentionally or unintentionally pretends to be unable to complete a task in order to avoid responsibility.”

Hmmm…

Written by Amelia Mavis Christnot

Amelia Christnot is an Oglala Lakota, Kanien'kehá:ka Haudenosaunee and Metís Navy brat who settled in the wilds of Northern Maine. A member of the Indigenous Journalists Association, she considers herself another proud Maineiac.