Birthdays are meant to be a joyous occasion.
Everyone needs as many joyous occasions as possible, right?
But when you're a child of divorce, party planning can become a serious issue.
The guest lists, the dates, and the themes.
Not so joyous.
Case in point...
Redditor Mountain_Tooth5689 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA for missing my birthday party?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My parents are divorced, and they take turns throwing me a birthday party each year."
"This year, it was my mom's turn to throw me a party."
"However, my mom's parties are always so lame, and this was my 16th birthday party, so I wanted something cool."
"My mom always invites her family, who has a bunch of little kids that I don't like, and she won't even get my favorite cake because it's a peanut butter cake, and my brother is severely allergic to peanut butter."
"And she gives me some crappy cheap gift and gets food from some cheap awful restaurant or, even worse, cooks herself."
"So this year, I told her I want to spend my birthday with my dad, but she insisted on throwing me a party."
"And no matter what I said, she wouldn't accept me not wanting her to throw a party."
"So I was like, fine, whatever."
"I told my dad to throw me a party."
"And it was awesome."
"Until my mom called crying, telling me how much I embarrassed her by not showing up to the party she threw."
"And everyone at the party saw the pictures I posted on Instagram from my dad's party."
"Now my mom's extended family all think I'm an a**hole."
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Unpopular opinion but NTA."
"OP turned 16, which is a significant milestone birthday for many."
"OP just wanted a birthday for once that was truly about her for this one day."
"Mom hasn't been listening or communicating with OP in a meaningful way regarding her birthdays."
"OP is a teenager rapidly approaching adulthood who is still being treated like a child by her mom."
"If mom can't provide for OP on her birthday, then mom should stop playing the victim; don't do something for others when you know it's not what they want and then have the gall to say they don't appreciate what you've done."
"That is manipulative behavior."
"I understand that mom may have other priorities, but for this one birthday, she could have prioritized OP."
"Dad was listening and willing to make OP's birthday the event she hoped for." ~ ToughCareer4293
"Yeah I mean, in my opinion, op isn't asking for too much tbh (at least what they've written). They want a specific cake flavor and to not have a bunch of their little cousins running around."
"Oh, and dear me, dinner at a restaurant?!? How absurd."
"Really, the only AHish thing in this post is the attitude."
"I mean, there was a literal show about the sweet 16s of spoiled teenagers, and normally it wasn't about these things."
"OP comes across as kind of bratty or rude, but I'm willing to bet they've probably told their mom that they don't like these things about her parties multiple times and are at their wit's end."
"They also told mom that they weren't going to show up at the party… not sure what mom was expecting." ~ Significant_Cat_3
"Exactly! OP might be acting like an AH, which doesn't mean she is an AH because she's got good reason to be upset."
"She wasn't unreasonable in her requests."
"So to have them completely disregarded is just F'd up and shows that mom will most likely never see OP as an adult and be dismissive of any future decisions she makes." ~ ToughCareer4293
"Exactly. She's NTA."
"She's being a 16-year-old who feels she is not being listened to on her birthday."
"What should have happened were the two adults should have co-parented and discussed the party or parties together."
"To either make them on different days or get mom to finally understand she doesn't want a little kid party."
"Even parties on different days wouldn't be a solution because she doesn't want to sit through her mom's little cousin's party."
"Why are we expecting a 16-year-old to act like an adult?" ~ AdFinancial8924
"I hated my birthdays because every single time the 'whole family' was invited, as well as some neighbors and their kids, and I was expected to 'babysit the kids' - my whole day was policed."
"What I can and cannot do, what I had to do or not do etc. It was sh*t."
"At least if I was lucky, my granny would bake me the cake I wished for."
"If I could tell her upfront without my mom interrupting."
"But other then that, it was a 'go babysit the kids so the adults can talk' event."
"It was never about me or what I wished for but always a 'good excuse to do stuff we want' for my parents."
"Heck - my sister got more appreciation and celebration on my f-ing birthday than me, because she 'made such a lovely cake.'"
"So I can understand why OP is annoyed AF, and I frankly am happy for OP that they finally got a decent birthday party for once."
"Hopefully, there will be other decent birthdays to come." ~ owl_curry
"Exactly this. I'm surprised by how far I had to go to get to NTA."
"It's her 16th birthday, and she wanted her party to be about her for a change."
"The parties her mother threw in the past were about everyone but her."
"She asked her mother to let her dad throw the party."
"Her mother refused."
"She told her mother she didn't want a party."
"Her mother did what she wanted to do and hurt herself, as far as I'm concerned." ~ Own-Blackberry2647
"Sounds like mom uses her kid's birthday to throw a get-together for her family."
"She doesn't ask op what she wants."
"She insisted on throwing the kid a party despite the kid's protests."
"OP may be a little spoiled and immature, but what 16-year-old isn't."
"Mom should have asked the kid why she didn't want her to throw a party this year and listened to the kid's opinion."
"Mom is clearly out of touch with her own child. NTA." ~ KitchenParticular707
"I feel like your favorite cake and meal is a basic requirement of a birthday if your parents can afford it."
"The brother can not eat cake for one day as long as he's not deathly allergic. NTA." ~ RoseIsBadWolf
"Yeah, I just replied to someone that mom could buy a small cake in the flavor OP wants and then a few cupcakes for her brother or anyone else who may not like peanut butter despite not being allergic to nuts."
"There are ways to make this work within a budget."
"It just takes a little more effort than mom could be bothered to exert." ~ ToughCareer4293
"I mean, if the guy is really allergic to peanuts, then just being in the same room as people eating the cake could be enough to kill him."
"That's not really something where compromise can happen."
"If they have different dads, then it's easy for OP's father to accommodate that request." ~ LostDogBoulderUtah
"I'm still going with ESH because OP is being extremely rude and entitled (she hates mom's food and hate the food from restaurants mom can afford, what is the option then???)."
"But you have an excellent point."
"Mom was totally ignoring OP's wishes for her own birthday party, and most were all super valid."
"If you can't choose your own cake and choose not to have little kids running around in your own bday party, you might as well call it mom's family dinner."
"Mom made OP's birthday all about herself and her own feelings when it should be about OP." ~ Jeff1N
"I just take OP's attitude as being that of a teenager finding her place in this society that says 16 is a big deal."
"Maybe mom can't afford a fancy meal, but at least give OP the cake she wants, even a small one, and then cupcakes for her brother with the nut allergy."
"There are options, but mom can't be bothered to work it out with OP." ~ ToughCareer4293
"I mean, OP is NTA for missing the birthday party mum organized since they've already communicated what they wanted."
"But mum completely disregarded what they wanted and played the victim when OP didn't show."
"But TA for the way they talked about mum on the post (regarding the 'cheap crappy' present and 'cheap' restaurant, even whined about mum's cooking. super unnecessary and rude)."
"But I also think it might be because they're at their wit's end and just got sick of their birthday being made to be about everyone else but them by their mum." ~ hotstrawberrytea
"NTA. It's pretty obvious people who are calling you TA didn't read."
"You communicated that you didn't want your mom to throw you a party."
"You said you wanted your dad to."
"You even state that your birthdays are more family gathering events for your mom and not really about you, so at 16, I get wanting this one to be what you want."
"You're not TA at all, and this thread is showing who has some hurt feelings." ~ Consistent-Chef-6068
Well, OP, Reddit is a bit divided but mostly in agreement with you.
The deeper issue here seems to be some turmoil.
A long, calm chat with parents and kids together may be helpful.
Good luck, and Happy Birthday!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp