Teenagers typically need their privacy living at home with their parents.
And some parents are concerned about checking in on their kids occasionally if they don't see them leave their room for long periods.
When a 19-year-old who returned home from college felt her privacy wasn't being respected due to her father's annoying dad behavior, she took matters into her own hands to solve her inconvenience.
The subsequent drama led her to the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
There, Redditor Financial_Pea118 asked:
"AITA for getting a lock installed on my bedroom door?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (19 F[female]) am home from college for the summer. This post concerns me and my dad (54 M[ale])."
"For as long as I can remember, my dad has been barging into my room without asking or knocking multiple times a day (and sometimes at night, since I'm a night owl and awake well into the early morning)"
"Whether it's to show me something, ask me to come down and hang out with him, to check on me, or even just to say hi. Which was totally fine when I was a child, but obviously became more of an issue as I aged."
"It continued all throughout my teenage years. He'd come in without permission, I'd beg him to start knocking since I could be changing; dealing with my period; etc., he'd apologize and commit to not doing it again, and then within days he'd do it again."
"I even taped signs to my door to try to deter it. Nothing worked, and eventually I just gave up since I'd be going to college soon anyway."
The OP continued:
"Fast forward to now, the same thing kept happening, and I just couldn't take it anymore after having experienced a taste of actual privacy living away from home. After the last unannounced visit, I told him if he couldn't respect my privacy, I would get a lock installed. I think he thought I was joking—I wasn't."
"I called a service and scheduled an installation for when I knew my dad would be out of town for work. I asked my mom (52 F[female]) in advance for permission, and she supported it—she knows I've been at my wits' end with this for a long time."
"I have money saved up from my job, so paying for it wasn't an issue. Nothing complicated, it's just a little hook and chain."
"When he got home, predictably came right up to my room, and couldn't get in, he freaked. Started rambling about how dangerous this was, he needs to be able to get in in case of emergency, etc. I admit my medical history is unfortunately rather colorful, but just know the kinds of emergencies he's referencing are highly unlikely."
She remained unwavering in her decision.
"My brother (17 M[ale]) thinks I was an @ss for locking him out when he just wants to spend time with me. I pointed out that he never gets barged in on, so he has no room to talk."
"I'm a grown woman—I feel like I deserve a crumb of privacy. I feel like I should be able to get dressed without constantly looking over my shoulder. I wouldn't mind his visits at all if he'd just f'king knock first."
"Still, even though I knew he'd be mad, I certainly didn't expect this level of emotional distress, and now I kind of feel bad. I didn't mean to give him anxiety—I genuinely just didn't know what else to do."
"AITA?"
In an update, the OP clarified her medical condition for context.
"Edit since it's been asked more than once: Medical history involves several surgeries and an overarching genetic condition."
"But there has never been an instance in which I became suddenly and unexpectedly incapacitated, and because the condition was caught early and has since been monitored closely, that is unlikely to ever occur."
"If it were, my mom would never have ok'd the lock."
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (AITA) here.
"NOT AT ALL TA - NTA. I'm surprised and troubled at your father's inability to give you the BASIC respect and privacy. You deserve and need it. HE forced your hand by refusing the simple request you were making to simply knock."
"This is not a safety issue as he wants to suggest it to be - lots of people live alone or otherwise lock other people out for privacy purposes. You can certainly agree to keep it unlocked at certain times, and only lock it when you need to assure your privacy from him, if that's a good compromise for you."
"Honestly though dude, what is up with your dad? Is he inappropriate towards you in other ways?" – owls_and_cardinals
"He's always been a bit overprotective. According to my mom, he's very traumatized by my aforementioned medical history, and this is how it manifests. She says he desperately needs therapy but has always refused to go." – OP
"Barging into your bedroom without warning is NOT being overprotective. And he never does that to your brother?"
"This ain't lookin' good for dad." – EmilyAnne1170
"NTA. He wouldn't respect your privacy or your wishes, so you ensured he had to. This is all on him. You've told him numerous times how much it bothers you, and he simply doesn't care."
"It's really none of your brother's business anyway. His trauma is on him to get help to deal with, but he won't do that either." – Vandreeson
"That doesn't deny you the right to basic privacy. He clearly know how to knock since this has never been an issue for your brother, which quite honestly makes the whole thing gross and so much worse. Your dad needs to grow up and give you respect, there are children in primary school that get more privacy than you."
"If your brother says anything else, start barging into his room. Afer two days, ask if he still thinks you don't deserve the same level of privacy and respect he has always been granted." – wineandsmut
"Am a dad of 11 and 9 years old girls. I've been knocking on their doors for YEARS. Just basic respect. I would do the same even if I had boys."
"I've even given feedback to my wife that she should be doing the same. She's probably 50/50 but working on it." – JetKeel
"Yeah - I found this really troubling. If it were as simple as the dad forgetting to knock (AKA a lack of boundaries), he wouldn't have had such a reaction when she installed a lock on her door. He would have been like 'hey good idea since I always forget to knock!'."
"Like - at the very least this is very controlling, strange, troubling behavior. And I don't even want to think about the other possibilities here."
"OP, you are NTA. I've got kids who are almost as old as you, and I'd be proud of them and support them if the problem-solved like this. Do NOT back down with your dad. You are an adult and 100% entitled to your privacy. The fact that your dad can't see that is disturbing." – FantasticBreadfruit8
"NTA. You didn't give him anxiety, you took away a little of his control. You've set a boundary over and over that he's never respected, for whatever reason. Now you're forcing him to respect it, and he doesn't like the change in the status quo."
"I find it very telling that he doesn't do this to your brother. If he's really, actually, anxious about emergencies because of your history, perhaps you could have a sit-down conversation about it? Don't by any means let him convince you to remove the lock, but maybe you could assuage some of his fears."
"You've been on your own at college and (I'm assuming) nothing bad happened without him checking on you every twenty minutes. Something tells me, however, that it's not really about that; it's more that he never thought he actually had to respect your privacy because you're his daughter."
"Someone else mentioned he'll probably take the lock away when you leave. Perhaps the next step is one with a key, so you can keep your room locked while you're away." – kilojewels
"NTA it's very telling that he only does this to your and not your brother, he's treating you differently because you're a woman. He either thinks he'd 'catch' your brother doing something if he did it to him, or he's TRYING to catch you doing something and silently giving you different rules because you're different genders." - Fiigwort
"NTA."
"OMG! Something is broken in your Dad's brain. You don't just walk into a teenager's room without knocking. That is completely disrespectful. And especially when your child have made it clear many, many times that this upsets them."
"I love how you set this boundary and now have kept it. You told him, 'If you don't respect my privacy then I will get a lock,' and then he didn't and you did. Perfect. Especially with getting your mother's permission."
"The fact that his pissed about the lock instead of admitting that he f'ked up is another big warning sign. I mean, if he hadn't opened the door without knocking, like he promised multiple times to do, he wouldn't even know that the lock was there."
"You are the farthest thing from an a-hole. Your Dad has some broken bits in his brain around privacy and respect." – SushiGuacDNA
Overall, a majority of Redditors called out the OP's father for his double standard by not inflicting the same violation on her brother.
Because of this, Redditors remained supportive of her decision to take privacy matters into her own hands.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp