Teenagers typically need their privacy living at home with their parents.
And some parents are concerned about checking in on their kids occasionally if they don’t see them leave their room for long periods.
When a 19-year-old who returned home from college felt her privacy wasn’t being respected due to her father’s annoying dad behavior, she took matters into her own hands to solve her inconvenience.
The subsequent drama led her to the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
There, Redditor Financial_Pea118 asked:
“AITA for getting a lock installed on my bedroom door?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (19 F[female]) am home from college for the summer. This post concerns me and my dad (54 M[ale]).”
“For as long as I can remember, my dad has been barging into my room without asking or knocking multiple times a day (and sometimes at night, since I’m a night owl and awake well into the early morning)”
“Whether it’s to show me something, ask me to come down and hang out with him, to check on me, or even just to say hi. Which was totally fine when I was a child, but obviously became more of an issue as I aged.”
“It continued all throughout my teenage years. He’d come in without permission, I’d beg him to start knocking since I could be changing; dealing with my period; etc., he’d apologize and commit to not doing it again, and then within days he’d do it again.”
“I even taped signs to my door to try to deter it. Nothing worked, and eventually I just gave up since I’d be going to college soon anyway.”
The OP continued:
“Fast forward to now, the same thing kept happening, and I just couldn’t take it anymore after having experienced a taste of actual privacy living away from home. After the last unannounced visit, I told him if he couldn’t respect my privacy, I would get a lock installed. I think he thought I was joking—I wasn’t.”
“I called a service and scheduled an installation for when I knew my dad would be out of town for work. I asked my mom (52 F[female]) in advance for permission, and she supported it—she knows I’ve been at my wits’ end with this for a long time.”
“I have money saved up from my job, so paying for it wasn’t an issue. Nothing complicated, it’s just a little hook and chain.”
“When he got home, predictably came right up to my room, and couldn’t get in, he freaked. Started rambling about how dangerous this was, he needs to be able to get in in case of emergency, etc. I admit my medical history is unfortunately rather colorful, but just know the kinds of emergencies he’s referencing are highly unlikely.”
She remained unwavering in her decision.
“My brother (17 M[ale]) thinks I was an @ss for locking him out when he just wants to spend time with me. I pointed out that he never gets barged in on, so he has no room to talk.”
“I’m a grown woman—I feel like I deserve a crumb of privacy. I feel like I should be able to get dressed without constantly looking over my shoulder. I wouldn’t mind his visits at all if he’d just f’king knock first.”
“Still, even though I knew he’d be mad, I certainly didn’t expect this level of emotional distress, and now I kind of feel bad. I didn’t mean to give him anxiety—I genuinely just didn’t know what else to do.”
“AITA?”
In an update, the OP clarified her medical condition for context.
“Edit since it’s been asked more than once: Medical history involves several surgeries and an overarching genetic condition.”
“But there has never been an instance in which I became suddenly and unexpectedly incapacitated, and because the condition was caught early and has since been monitored closely, that is unlikely to ever occur.”
“If it were, my mom would never have ok’d the lock.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (AITA) here.
“NOT AT ALL TA – NTA. I’m surprised and troubled at your father’s inability to give you the BASIC respect and privacy. You deserve and need it. HE forced your hand by refusing the simple request you were making to simply knock.”
“This is not a safety issue as he wants to suggest it to be – lots of people live alone or otherwise lock other people out for privacy purposes. You can certainly agree to keep it unlocked at certain times, and only lock it when you need to assure your privacy from him, if that’s a good compromise for you.”
“Honestly though dude, what is up with your dad? Is he inappropriate towards you in other ways?” – owls_and_cardinals
“He’s always been a bit overprotective. According to my mom, he’s very traumatized by my aforementioned medical history, and this is how it manifests. She says he desperately needs therapy but has always refused to go.” – OP
“Barging into your bedroom without warning is NOT being overprotective. And he never does that to your brother?”
“This ain’t lookin’ good for dad.” – EmilyAnne1170
“NTA. He wouldn’t respect your privacy or your wishes, so you ensured he had to. This is all on him. You’ve told him numerous times how much it bothers you, and he simply doesn’t care.”
“It’s really none of your brother’s business anyway. His trauma is on him to get help to deal with, but he won’t do that either.” – Vandreeson
“That doesn’t deny you the right to basic privacy. He clearly know how to knock since this has never been an issue for your brother, which quite honestly makes the whole thing gross and so much worse. Your dad needs to grow up and give you respect, there are children in primary school that get more privacy than you.”
“If your brother says anything else, start barging into his room. Afer two days, ask if he still thinks you don’t deserve the same level of privacy and respect he has always been granted.” – wineandsmut
“Am a dad of 11 and 9 years old girls. I’ve been knocking on their doors for YEARS. Just basic respect. I would do the same even if I had boys.”
“I’ve even given feedback to my wife that she should be doing the same. She’s probably 50/50 but working on it.” – JetKeel
“Yeah – I found this really troubling. If it were as simple as the dad forgetting to knock (AKA a lack of boundaries), he wouldn’t have had such a reaction when she installed a lock on her door. He would have been like ‘hey good idea since I always forget to knock!’.”
“Like – at the very least this is very controlling, strange, troubling behavior. And I don’t even want to think about the other possibilities here.”
“OP, you are NTA. I’ve got kids who are almost as old as you, and I’d be proud of them and support them if the problem-solved like this. Do NOT back down with your dad. You are an adult and 100% entitled to your privacy. The fact that your dad can’t see that is disturbing.” – FantasticBreadfruit8
“NTA. You didn’t give him anxiety, you took away a little of his control. You’ve set a boundary over and over that he’s never respected, for whatever reason. Now you’re forcing him to respect it, and he doesn’t like the change in the status quo.”
“I find it very telling that he doesn’t do this to your brother. If he’s really, actually, anxious about emergencies because of your history, perhaps you could have a sit-down conversation about it? Don’t by any means let him convince you to remove the lock, but maybe you could assuage some of his fears.”
“You’ve been on your own at college and (I’m assuming) nothing bad happened without him checking on you every twenty minutes. Something tells me, however, that it’s not really about that; it’s more that he never thought he actually had to respect your privacy because you’re his daughter.”
“Someone else mentioned he’ll probably take the lock away when you leave. Perhaps the next step is one with a key, so you can keep your room locked while you’re away.” – kilojewels
“NTA it’s very telling that he only does this to your and not your brother, he’s treating you differently because you’re a woman. He either thinks he’d ‘catch’ your brother doing something if he did it to him, or he’s TRYING to catch you doing something and silently giving you different rules because you’re different genders.” – Fiigwort
“NTA.”
“OMG! Something is broken in your Dad’s brain. You don’t just walk into a teenager’s room without knocking. That is completely disrespectful. And especially when your child have made it clear many, many times that this upsets them.”
“I love how you set this boundary and now have kept it. You told him, ‘If you don’t respect my privacy then I will get a lock,’ and then he didn’t and you did. Perfect. Especially with getting your mother’s permission.”
“The fact that his pissed about the lock instead of admitting that he f’ked up is another big warning sign. I mean, if he hadn’t opened the door without knocking, like he promised multiple times to do, he wouldn’t even know that the lock was there.”
“You are the farthest thing from an a-hole. Your Dad has some broken bits in his brain around privacy and respect.” – SushiGuacDNA
Overall, a majority of Redditors called out the OP’s father for his double standard by not inflicting the same violation on her brother.
Because of this, Redditors remained supportive of her decision to take privacy matters into her own hands.