Most parents want the best for their kids and all of their dreams to come true. But for some parents, that comes with the condition that their kids' dreams align with their dreams, too.
A woman on Reddit created this sort of drama when she forbade her daughter from taking an internship in the field she's most interested in, funeral services.
She wasn't sure about how she handled it, so she went to the AITA (Am I The A**hole) subReddit for perspective.
The Original Poster, who goes by the name funeralhomes_ on the site, asked:
"AITA for not letting my daughter take a job at a funeral home?"
She explained:
"I(35f[emale]) have a 16 year old daughter. For a few months she's said she wanted to be a funeral director when she's an adult but I figured it was a phase."
"Yesterday, she came home and said that one of her friends got a job at a funeral home and that they had an open job for an internship that wasn't a 'skilled' position, could be filled by a high schooler, and she asked if she could apply."
"I told her I'd think about it."
"I don't think it's an appropriate first job and I don't want her working and doing that kind of thing, she's only a kid."
"I told her I thought it would be better for her to work somewhere else and she got very upset, saying that I always dismissed her interests and that she should be able to do what she is interested in."
"I told her it was not a good first job and that I have friends that could help her get a job but she said she wasn't interested. She's been pissed at me ever since and went to her dads house, and is saying that she won't come back unless I let her do it, because he will."
"I just don't think it's a good idea and I don't want her doing it, and it's not a typical first job and may look weird on resumes and college applications. She and her father both think I'm being a jerk and say I have an 'outdated' way of thinking."
"AITA?"
Redditors were then asked to judge who was in the wrong in this conflict based on the following categories:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
And for the most part they were not at all here for OP's approach to this situation.
"YTA OP. The majority of kids have similar things on their college applications or resumes like after school sports, clubs, activities, retail/restaurant/babysitting jobs, etc. and a funeral home would actually stand out and help her be noticed!"
"It would be a great experience for her to see if she really likes it, and is an incredible ice breaker for any interview she could give as most people, including you, have no idea what it entails." --Acceptable_Day6086
"-As someone who hires people, unusual first jobs catch attention and increase likelihood of her passing. That is a positive or a neutral item, not a negative."
"-It's a first job and she's not a college graduate. The stakes are SO LOW."
"-Letting her get this job now is your BEST CHANCE for her to dissuade herself. She will not take your advice on this one and you may even force her to stubbornly double down. Let her actually see the work and then decide FOR HERSELF if she still loves it."
"I was convinced I wanted to be a vet until I worked at a veterinary hospital. Meeting dogs that were going to die that night and helping clean up blood taught me very quickly that I just like playing with animals, not so much supporting sick ones."
"If she gets the job and still loves it months later, rejoice that she's found her passion!" --balgram
"Op, you sound just like my grandma. Everything must fit in her tiny little perfect box. My poor mom has struggled her entire life because my grandmother judged everything she did because 'you shouldn't want to do that' or 'you shouldn't feel that way'."
"Let her make her own choices. Being a funeral director is a very honorable and needed job. Just because it doesn't fit in your perfect little box doesn't mean she shouldn't do it. YTA." --SuspiciousPeach693
"One of my best friends in high school just knew she wanted to be a mortician since forever. She's this bubbly blonde happy person and just KNEW that's what she wanted."
"She did a placement at a local funeral home one semester and was sold. It's a profession that will always be necessary and it takes a special person to help people at their lowest."
"OPs daughter is a wonderful person for showing interest and she should encourage her daughter instead of discourage. My friend is now married to another mortician and they have a lovely family and business and are very happy well adjusted people." --doughnutsforsatan
"Look I understand your hesitancy, but funeral directors really do make an impact. Ours for my mother n law's funeral showed such compassion during the difficult time and really helped us."
"There is a need for all sorts of positions. Please listen to her. She clearly knows she is comfortable with this or she would not want to explore it." --Typical-Garlic-7308
"YTA."
"If this is something she's shown interest in for months, who are you to tell her what's appropriate or not?"
"Underage girl with an OnlyFans? That's inappropriate."
"Working in a funeral home is not inappropriate for any one at any age."
"If anything it shows enormous compassion and strength of character for her to show interest in working somewhere where death and empathy are both so prevalent."
"It's not all goo and bodies and whatever, particularly in an internship capacity. You're misinformed and need to be more open-minded. Professionals who handle afterlife care are licensed and trained and held to very high standards."
"An internship might be greeting the mourners, setting out flower arrangements, and typing up and sending obituaries to publishers. Maybe if the ceremonies are catered, she'd be managing the snacks and drinks."
"If you care about your daughter and her desires, arrange a meeting with the funeral director and your daughter. Get the job description. Talk it out. Then decide."
"Don't just dismiss it because you think it's inappropriate."
"Edit to add: You were 19 when you had your daughter. That's only a couple of years older than she is now. Just a bit of perspective."
"Edit 4 hours later. Holy heck you guys. Thanks for the wholesome feelings. Just want OP to give her daughter the best chance in life. Telling her what to do when she is building goals and agency is not the way to go."
"Thanks all, be excellent to each other." --American-Mary
"I'm 35 my daughter is turning 16 in April and wants to work in forensic sciences. I've helped her apply to all of the summer programs around Boston so she can learn and decide if she is able to be in that line of work."
"I support her extra because I want her to follow her dreams, and not have the same obstacles I gave myself. She was never a mistake but she was a surprise, and she's pleasantly surprised me ever since" --Logical_Childhood733
"OP should read 'Stiff' by Mary Roach. Currently reading it, never would have thought I would want to read a book about the 'lives' of human corpses, but it's really fascinating stuff."
"Might give OP some perspective on what interests her daughter about funeral homes - although she could probably learn that if she bothered to talk to her daughter and ask about her interests, rather than trying to squash them." --caffeinefree
"Why would OP rather have her daughter flip burgers (no hate on flipping burgs!) vs taking an internship at a place that she's shown interest in a full career in? Doesn't make any sense to me."
"Let your kid experiment down the career path she wants, and if she likes it then she knows what to go to college for and if not then she knows she doesn't want to do that. Easy as that. YTA" --AndyFeelFine
"Also, this is a great way for OP's daughter to decide if this is the right field for her. She might work there awhile and realize she wants to pursue something else or she might realize it's perfect for her."
"If she's going to try to become one when she's grown up, why not let her get a taste of it now. Nothing worse than going to school for something and then realizing you don't like doing it. OP, YTA and incredibly short sighted." --katiejim
"YTA - there's nothing wrong with working in a funeral home. Honestly it's a pretty respectable job, and I doubt colleges or other jobs are going to turn your daughter away for having work experience with one."
"She's interested in it and working in something you're interested in is a hell of a lot better than getting a job you hate. Just let her apply - if she gets the job, then she'll be happy. If she doesn't, that'll suck, but at least it shows that you tried to support her by letting her apply for the job" --death-by-milk
Hopefully OP can learn to let her daughter follow her aspirations.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp