Blending families is no easy task, and that task becomes increasingly more complicated when new family members have unique needs.
Redditor Smart_Palpitation147 recently married a man whose daughter communicates solely via American Sign Language.
The Original Poster's (OP's) own daughter is refusing to learn ASL to communicate with her new stepsister.
This drove the OP to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA).
She asked:
"AITA for forcing my daughter to learn sign language?"
She went on to explain.
"I [49-year-old Female] recently married my husband [52-year-old Male] who has a deaf 7 year old daughter. She communicates solely via ASL."
"For some background, my daughter [17-year-old Female] is generally a very non-problematic teenager."
"She does amazing in school, and has never caused any problems other than regular teenage hormone stuff. However, she doesn't like my husband and step daughter."
"She is not outwardly rude, but basically ignores their existence (skipped [stepdaughter's] birthday party, doesn't engage in anything other than basic small talk with my husband)."
"I did try to do family activities together to have the bond and all, but I stopped pushing it when it didn't happen and as long as she's not being outwardly rude or harmful to them, I can't exactly punish her for not liking them."
"Now, since my relationship with my now husband started getting serious, I started taking ASL classes and am now basically as fluent as a hearing person can be."
"My daughter, however, never made an effort, which is ok since she technically has no responsibility towards her."
"However, recently my daughter has started watching [stepdaughter] (paid) when we aren't around, which changes things."
"In my opinion, since she is now spending time in which she is responsible for a young child, she needs to learn at least basic communication."
"When I brought it up to her, she outright refused to make any effort at all."
"I tried recommending YouTube videos, but she refused to try learning even a couple words, saying she's not responsible for my choice to be in the life of a disabled child."
"This issue has also been causing a lot of problems in my marriage."
"My husband confided in me that he's starting to feel uncomfortable with his young daughter living with someone who is so cold she refuses to make even the most basic effort, or engage with her at all."
"He has brought up that he is considering divorce due to his concerns about how [stepdaughter] will be affected by this."
"So given all that, I had to finally put my foot down."
"I told my daughter that we have a disabled person living in our household for the foreseeable future, and if she wants to live here for college (graduating next month), she has to at least learn basic ASL."
"She doesn't have to like her stepfather and stepsister, nor does she have to hang out with them, but she has to have the ability to communicate with her for the sake of safety and basic decency."
"I made it clear that if she chooses not to, she is welcome to live in a dorm (that I will pay for ), it's just that living in our house (that is also my SD's house, my husband and I paid for the house equally) comes with basic rules."
"Well, my daughter hasn't spoken to me for 7 days, so its about time I ask, AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"ESH, except the youngling."
"Your daughter is TA because she misplaces her frustration and emotional discomfort of your new marriage on her step-sister - the last person on earth who it should be put on."
"Maybe she even resents that you made her watch, paid or not."
"Your husband is TA because he threatens you with divorce over this."
"Instead of talking and asking your daughter how she feels, or consider a different babysitter he pulls out the nuclear option to your relationship."
"You are TA because you throw you daughter under the bus for marriage's sake and threaten to kick her out instead of being a mother and trying to understand her and offer her a bail out aka a different babysitter."
"Edit: Disagreeing with my pov is fine, but you don't need to DM me insults." - AlcoholicCocoa
"YTA for having your daughter babysit when she won't learn ASL. That's ridiculous; find someone else."
"I think you need to realise that, from your daughter's perspective, this relationship is still relatively new and as a near-adult she is less likely to see your stepdaughter as her stepsister."
"To her, you're changing the agreement re her living at home for college. I don't think you're wrong re ASL; tbh it's a good to to learn irrespective of living with someone who communicates this way."
"But you have some work to do here. You've moved people into her home that she doesn't like; this was always unlikely to go well." - Waste-Edge446
"Daughter no longer watches step daughter, problem solved. I don't think trying to force this is going to end well. I think it's nbd to learn a few basics in another language, but that's me."
"'He has brought up that he is considering divorce due to his concerns about how SD will be affected by this.'"
"Maybe he should have thought about this/checked before marriage."
"Gonna go YTA. This isn't her marriage, her step daughter, her responsibility." - WhitneyWhispers
"Obvious YTA. You get it right in the first part of this post when you point out that your daughter doesn't like not does she have any responsibility towards your husband and stepdaughter."
"It's only when your husband threatened YOU with consequences did you start f*cking up. Yeah, your daughter definitely shouldn't be babysitting her without knowing ASL."
"So find a different babysitter. You threatening to kick her out of her own home, because you are actively choosing your stepdaughter over her, is disgusting." - idontcare8587
"YTA for having presumably years to see your daughter doesn't consider your new family to be her family."
"She's allowed to be indifferent to what are essentially some random roommates you've decided to move in."
"Not everyone has the skill or time to learn a second language and you've decided that in her senior year when she's busy with all that that entails, she needs to learn an entirely new skill to satisfy these random roommates of yours, otherwise you're permanently kicking her out of her home and your life."
"Get a whiteboard for them to communicate with each other in emergencies and then deal with the fact you've done a terrible job blending these two families." - ciderandcake
"YTA"
"I will never understand parents of minor children who marry people that their kids clearly do not f*cking like."
"Do I personally think learning sign language could be beneficial for life in general and not just because of step daughter? Yeah, definitely."
"Do I think you can/should force your daughter to learn a new language to accommodate your step child that she doesn't even like? No, absolutely not."
"Telling her she can't live at home if she doesn't do something for a step sibling she didn't ask for and doesn't like will ruin your relationship with your daughter."
"She's made it clear she does not like the people you chose to bring into her life. Stop trying to force her to accept them."
"You're TA to your daughter for marrying someone and forcing her to live with two people she doesn't like."
"And now you're double TA for telling her you'll kick her out of her house if she doesn't learn a new language for a step sibling she didn't even want."
"You're also TA to your step daughter for forcing her to live in a house with another child who does not like her."
"You and your new husband are both TA's to each other and each other's kids. And awful parents all around."
"ETA: you and your husband are also both TA's for leaving a deaf seven year old in the care of someone who 1) does not like her and 2) does not sign and therefore can't communicate with her." - NJtoOx
"Your recently married husband threatened divorce over the fact that your child (who is not long to be an adult) won't learn a language to be able to easily communicate with his child…"
"…which would presumably only be relevant for a few more years anyway."
"There's a dynamic issue at play here that there isn't enough info on that would almost certainly shift things one way or the other…"
"…but for the fact that you are willing to kick your own child out of her home (even if you were to pay for the alternative accomodation) on the basis of your husband's over-the-top threat, YTA." - shadowofthegrave
"NTA I know the Reddit people have a beef against step siblings/parents but to go against a deaf little kid you got to have forgotten your heart at the bottom on the Mariana Trench."
"You are also quite generous to pay for dormitory at this point. As you pointed it out, they do not have to become BFF, considering also the age difference, but this is minimum curtesy."
"It's also an added skill, another language she can use in the future, put in her resume and so on."KikiMadeCrazy
Hopefully the OP can find a better way to approach blending her new family with her daughter's comfort.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp