It’s hard to say how we will react in a moment of crisis until that crisis actually occurs.
But most of us would argue that we wouldn’t throw a toddler after they did something that hurt us, reasoned the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Few-Wealth2441 asked her sister to watch her toddler for a few minutes, only for him to shove something in his aunt’s ear while she wasn’t paying attention.
When her reaction was to throw him away from her, causing him to get a concussion, the Original Poster (OP) knew she didn’t want her sister living in the same home as her son anymore.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to pay for my sister’s college after she threw my toddler?”
The OP’s sister was living with her while attending college.
“I am so f**king annoyed as I type this out. It feels so unbelievably obvious but literally EVERYONE keeps telling me I’m wrong and I feel like I’m going insane! I’m typing this out because I NEED an outside perspective because at this rate I’m going to drive myself crazy.”
“My (34 Female) sister (19 Female) has been staying with my family while she attends college because we live very close by.”
“We WERE paying for everything because my husband and I make a much steadier income than either of my parents, and we have enough savings together that it just makes more sense for us to pay for my sister rather than my parents (who helped pay for both me and my husband when we were both in school).”
In exchange for providing room and board, the OP occasionally asked her sister to babysit.
“In return for charging her no rent, feeding her, AND paying for college, all I occasionally ask of her is to help me with my (22-month-old) son.”
“It is never for longer than an hour MAX and only so I can do things like cook or clean without him clinging to my leg or begging to be hugged. He ADORES her, so it is much easier to hand him off to her while I try to clean up.”
“She doesn’t mind because I pay her something like 15 dollars per hour when it’s any longer than 15 minutes of watching him.”
“Please understand, this is never, absolutely NEVER for longer than an hour. I understand that she has studies and most times would rather not deal with him, but I always ask if she minds. Whenever she says she’s busy or ‘not right now,’ I always acquiesce and try to find some other way to handle him, usually with YouTube or something similar, which I dislike, but it’s better than him trying to crawl under my legs when I’m handling a hot pot or something to that effect.”
The OP also offered advice to her sister to make babysitting easier.
“Something I have warned her about repeatedly is not to have necklaces, bracelets, earrings, hair clips, etc. when she’s taking care of him. Anything that can be pulled or taken off.”
“This is because he has a tendency to pull and play with them, which I know can be painful.”
“Both me and my husband have tried repeatedly to discourage this behavior, but he is still a toddler, so of course it’s challenging. He either doesn’t understand or thinks our scolding is funny, and most punishments don’t work either.”
“We refuse to spank him, but you can’t ground a toddler or take their things away when all they do is laugh.”
The OP recently asked for help with her son, which ended in a disaster.
“Two days ago, I had to run an errand, and it had seemed inconvenient to take my son when he was taking a nap. I asked her if she could watch him while I went, and she said it was fine.”
“It wouldn’t have taken me longer than 20 minutes, which I told her. She again stated it was fine.”
“Before I left, I noticed she was wearing one of those really thin plastic headbands. I told her it could be dangerous, especially with how thin it was, but she said that if he woke up, she’d take it off and put it out of reach.”
“When I came back, I heard both of them screaming and my toddler WAILING. I saw my sister holding her ear and yelling at my toddler son, while he lay on the floor crying.”
“I was FURIOUS. I grabbed him and I saw that his head was bleeding. I immediately assumed the worst and called 911 and an ambulance.”
“When the ambulance did arrive and I finally gave a closer look at my sister, I could see her ear was bleeding. Both of them were sent to the hospital.”
Both the OP’s son and sister were injured.
“Apparently what had happened was that my son had woken up after I left. The two of them were playing together on the couch when she got distracted by something on her phone.”
“When she looked away, my son took her headband and poked it into her ear. She had apparently thrown him onto the ground to get him away from her and stop him from poking it further.”
“I was still furious with her for OBVIOUS reasons. While THANKFULLY the bleeding was just a large cut he must have gotten when he fell, the doctors say he fell so hard, he now has a concussion.”
“The headband apparently damaged my sister’s eardrum, however, and now her hearing is damaged, which I’m sure I’ll feel worse about when my emotions aren’t so angry. We paid for all of her hospital fees, of course.”
The OP and her husband responded immediately to what had happened.
“My husband and I told her under no uncertain terms that she was going to move out and that we will no longer be paying for her schooling after this semester is complete, but we will not be pressing charges or pursuing legal action which the paramedics had explained we could do.”
“The problem is that now, several family members are saying we are treating her too HARSH?”
“My parents are saying that we should forgive her because it had been an accident and that I shouldn’t have trusted her with my son to begin with since he isn’t her responsibility. But if she didn’t want to take care of him, she could have said so! It’s not like she’s an irresponsible teenager, she is a grown adult capable of, say, restraining a toddler if they grab something they shouldn’t.”
“I do not think I am the a**hole AT ALL, but literally everyone in my life is acting like I am for expecting my sister to do the bare basics of keeping my son SAFE when I ask her to.”
After comments started to roll in, the OP offered a few clarifications.
“Here is some additional info now that I’m calmer: We were only going to be paying for two years of schooling (which my parents did for me). Paying for all five years would be unfeasible.”
“Regarding food: I tend to cook in big batches anyway so it’s not much trouble for her to eat with us as well. Rent is similar; we have a guest room and as long as she keeps her area clean and cleans up after herself, there’s no relative issue as well.”
“The only reason I paid her to take care of my son anytime she babysat longer than 15 minutes is because her classes require a lot of time and energy. This was something I could sympathize with so I offered to pay her $15 if she could take care of him while I handled the house since my husband has always been someone who disliked clutter. These are all things I wouldn’t have done if they weren’t somewhat possible.”
“I also want to be clear that I do discipline him. When he does things he is not supposed to, we redirect him, we scold him, we tell him what he is doing is wrong, we take away what he was throwing, etc. There really isn’t much more we can do aside from spanking, which neither me nor my husband would ever allow.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some felt the sister should have been more attentive, especially with everything being paid for.
“She probably wasn’t immediately alarmed by her headband since it’s a thin headband… until it went into her ear. I could totally see that happening. I wear headbands of all kinds all the time and have literally dozens randomly around my home, car, and office. They’re always sliding off.”
“I’ve never thought twice about it. Eyeballs the curvy metal one with the pointy ends on my desk right now.”
“Even saying that, she should have been paying more attention to your son, especially after you specifically warned her about headbands.” – ForeverNugu
“Let’s be real for a second. They were not playing on the sofa and she got distracted by the phone. She was on her phone while the kid was just sitting there next to her. He was bored and grabbed at that headband.”
“You do a lot for this girl and in my opinion, what you require from her is minimal. NTA.” – Parsley-Snap
“He is her responsibility when she’s babysitting. A gig for which she was extraordinarily well paid. NTA.” – Dana07620
“College funded? Housing provided? Being paid for babysitting any amount of time above 15 minutes? That’s super short… and again, college and living expenses are all covered…”
“The real world is about to come at her fast if no one else offers this type of cushy rescuing. The least she could do was be, I don’t know, attentive for those 15 minutes.” – ShyVoodoo
“NTA. An adult threw your toddler so hard she gave him a concussion. You are not being too harsh. She is lucky you aren’t pressing charges.”
“If you feel like you owe your parents for helping you and your husband then calculate what they paid for your school and work out an arrangement to pay them back. They can then use that money to help your sister if they want. But you don’t owe your parents to allow an irresponsible adult who hurt your child to live with you.” – Apprehensive_War9612
Others pointed out how it wasn’t the OP’s responsibility to fund her sister’s education.
“The OP wrote, ‘I shouldn’t have trusted her with my son to begin with since he isn’t her responsibility.'”
“Ironic choice of phrase there. Yes, your son isn’t her “responsibility” JUST LIKE her college education and living expenses are not YOUR responsibility. Thank your parents for reminding you that it’s about ‘responsibility’ and that you’ll be using the money that you were paying for sister’s expenses to pay for a childminder to come in and help with your son.”
“Remind them that responsibility is governed by priority and that your son is your responsibility and priority. Your sister is neither.” – celticmusebooks
“NTA. People are only saying you’re too harsh because paying for your sister’s college will become their responsibility.” – Few-Brilliant-722
“NTA. Your child is your responsibility and your parents’ child is also your responsibility. Lol (laughing out loud), no. They can feed, house, clothe and pay their daughter’s tuition if they want to play that game.” – WifeofBath1984
“OP was her parent’s responsibility. OP’s husband was not and that was why OP was doing this in the first place. OP’s parents apparently shouldn’t have done this if they knew they couldn’t afford their second child five years later. That’s not OP’s fault; that’s her parents’ p**s poor planning.”
“The sister royally f**ked up when she failed in a million different ways and caused a toddler’s concussion. She CANNOT be in the same house as a toddler when her reaction to her mistakes is to give a child a concussion.” – llamadramalover
“To answer your question: NTA because you are not obligated to pay for anything for your sister. You don’t owe her because your parents helped you and your husband. You also pay her to watch him, even though you SHOULDN’T because you are funding her life, and in my opinion, the least she could do is help out for 15 minutes to an hour every once in a while.”
“On the flip side: I’m sure she was in extreme pain and scared when her eardrum was literally pierced by a sharp object. I’m not saying throwing him was acceptable AT ALL, but I also don’t know what my automatic, physical response would be if I was injured to that degree.”
“BUT it’s not your kid’s fault, and she didn’t heed your consistent warnings and put herself in danger. The family members upset about this situation are more than welcome to foot the bill for your sister.” – HoneyCrispCrumble
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a brief update.
“According to the doctors at the hospital, thankfully my sister’s eardrum should heal within the next two to three months as it was only a minor tear. The doctor also stated that my son should heal as well within the next four weeks.”
“So far, I still have not spoken to her since telling her to move out, but according to my parents, she has been extremely remorseful since the incident and says that she feels horrible about what happened.”
“I still don’t think I’m ready to talk to her without letting my anger get the better of me, so a meeting between us isn’t likely to happen any time soon.”
Most of the subReddit could sympathize with the situation and assumed that this was an accident involving a young woman who underestimated how quickly a toddler can get into action.
However, the family’s pressure on the OP to continue providing room, board, and education for her sister was hardly fair. Whether or not her reaction reasonably correlated with what happened to her son was one thing, but suggesting who was responsibility for funding someone’s college education was another.