Random strangers touching people’s hair without asking is a real phenomenon many racial and ethnic minorities face.
While blonds and redheads may experience people staring or asking to take pictures in areas where their hair color is exceedingly rare, the touching phenomenon is far more common in the United States. And the people who most often experience it are those with hair textures type 3-4.
This includes many Black, Pacific Islander, African, and Indigenous Australian people.
Being touched without consent, as well as being treated like a curiosity rather than a person, is upsetting and demeaning.
A teen turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after this happened to him.
Imaginary_Report2596 asked:
“AITA for snapping at my boyfriend’s friend for touching my hair?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (15, male) am Black and I live in a predominantly White area and go to a mostly White school and I’m pretty introverted. I have a fro and the amount of people who will just up and try/start touching my hair is wild.”
“It’s gotten to the point where it pisses me off. I met my boyfriend Colt (15, male) at a wrestling meet a few months ago and I let him play in my hair and I play in his curly jewfro. It’s just kind of an intimate soothing thing between us.”
“We go to different schools, so we don’t hang around each other’s friends a whole lot. Saturday he was having like a movie marathon with some of his friends and he wanted me to come.
“While there, one of his friends—some White girl named Madison—starts just playing in my hair saying it’s softer than she thought. I immediately jerked back and asked her WTF are you doin?”
“She tells me she just wanted to see what it was like. I snapped at her that I wasn’t a damn dog and she gets all defensive saying she saw Colt doing it and thought it was OK.”
“I yelled at her that I’m not dating her and went home.”
“Colt came over later and apologized for her, but he says I didn’t have to get so upset and go off on her like that. He says people come up to him trying to touch his jewfro to see what Jewish hair feels like all the time and he never took it that seriously.”
“I tell him it’s kinda different, but he still thinks I overreacted.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“Possibly overreacting and causing a scene with Colts friends. Getting way more upset then necessary. Going off on Madison.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. Remind Colt that body autonomy means you decide who touches you. If he still insists its NBD, make an example of him.”
Also, you’re right it’s different, it’s a whole historical thing with how African hair is perceived and treated.”
“Colt can research it himself or he can take your word that it isn’t cool, apologize for minimizing your feelings and instruct his friend on why her behavior was out of line and that she should apologize.” ~ SQ_Madriel
“I’m Jewish and have curly hair and people sometimes want to touch it. But they ask. I also think there’s a racial difference at play though too.”
“Black hair is another aspect of their appearance that gets targeted—like people being told it’s not ‘professional’ to wear their hair natural. Nobody has ever said that to me and my hair can get pretty wild.”
“Or, it can be kind of fetishized as exotic—which I’ve heard Black women say they hate (and I do know OP is a guy). The bottom line is, it’s weird to even ask a stranger to touch their hair.”
“But it’s just straight up invasive and clueless to do it without asking.” ~ JLHuston
“NTA. I’m White and I know you don’t touch a Black person’s hair without asking. Hell, you shouldn’t touch ANYONE’s hair without asking, but you REALLY shouldn’t touch a Black person’s hair.”
“I don’t understand why so many folks of the Caucasian persuasion can’t seem to grasp this.” ~ BabserellaWT
“NTA. You’re good. I’m sorry that happened to you.”
“It might be helpful to explain to your boyfriend that this is important to you and he needs to respect that even if he doesn’t feel the same way. His reaction will tell you if he’s a keeper or not.” ~ MURDERTRUCK
“NTA. This person told you ‘it’s softer than I thought’ which sounds offensive itself. Not saying he’s never heard it, but unless he has he won’t know the difference. Also some people are cool with being touched, a lot of people arent, I’m of the latter myself.” ~ Redefynetv
“NTA. White people touching our (Black People’s) hair and bodies without permission is a whole historical thing. It is NOT OK. Full stop.”
“Just because your boyfriend deals with something similar and allows it doesn’t not mean you have to, as well.” ~ IntelligentDesign77
“Obviously NTA. No one should be touching you anywhere just because they are curious. You have every right to stand up for yourself. I’m glad you did!”
“Be sure to tell your boyfriend exactly how it makes you feel. I know some people genuinely have zero boundaries but that doesn’t mean they get to ignore other people’s.” ~ Stevebartekstan
“NTA. You will never be the a-hole for telling someone not to touch you especially without permission. Curiosity is no reason to forget manners they should’ve asked before hand.” ~ Aware-Progress-9743
“One of my rules in life, don’t touch people without their permission. I don’t like people’s grubby little mitts on me and I assume it’s the same of other people. That’s been one of my rules for as long as I can remember.”
“Your boyfriend’s friend is old enough to know, no matter how nice someone’s hair looks, you don’t touch someone with your grubby little hands without their permission. Especially something as intimate as hair.” ~ I-is-a-crazy-person
“NTA. Just because your boyfriend doesn’t mind people touching his hair, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.”
“And had Madison seen you & Colt kiss, would she have thought that was OK for her to do too?” ~ Intelligent_Arm_9241
“It’s never OK to touch someone without their consent.”
“It’s never OK to touch someone without their consent.”
“Your boyfriend really needs to grow some self confidence and tell people not to touch his hair without asking first.”
“NTA. And did I mention that it’s never OK to touch someone without their consent?” ~ On_my_last_spoon
“As soon as you mentioned that you’re Black, I stopped reading. No way you’re in the wrong here. You probably wouldn’t even be the a**hole if you were White, but there’s really no excuse in 2025 for people to not know that you don’t touch a Black person’s hair without consent, period.” ~ iolarah
“NTA. I will say, as a White woman…there is a vast cultural difference here. I was raised in a predominantly White area, and it was almost a show of affection. White people were touchy.”
“As a kid, I hated it. Someone’s mom or aunt was always touching your hair or shoulder or rubbing your back to get your attention, creepy uncle’s definitely took advantage of the fact that white people are touchy.”
“It’s not an excuse, and at 30…I now fully understand consent is MANDATORY, and I also understand the amount of care and attention that goes into the treatment of different hair types and I’d never…but I can tell you as an ignorant teenage girl, I was dumb at times too, and curiously touched braids or locs…or did so affectionately during conversation because it seemed like it was normal.”
“It’s NOT normal to touch people without their consent even if you feel like you’re connecting with them…body language and relationship is everything and while she was probably coming from a place of harmless curiosity, it’s also a place of ignorance and you’re allowed to state your boundaries.”
“Sure, she’s embarrassed…but she won’t do it again. And she won’t do it to the next person with textured hair she encounters.”
“You’re not obligated to tolerate discomfort to appease the childlike curiosity of others. I only wish people had taught everyone about consent and bodily autonomy earlier.”
“Even with people I know well now, if I’m that curious, I’ll explain what I’m curious about and ask permission…and a no, is a no.”
“If you feel bad, you can apologize for snapping, but explain to her why it’s inappropriate and educate her on how to approach that in the future; but you’re not obligated to teach her, and she’s not entitled to an apology when she should realistically apologize to you for invading your space.”
“I’m still embarrassed it’s taken so many so long to learn not to touch people without asking. Ick.” ~ AvocadoSalt
“NTA. Remind Colt that Black men and women have been repeatedly discriminated against and made out to be a public spectacle for their completely natural hair.”
“It’s also completely insane to randomly starting touching up in someone’s hair when you have no clue who the hell they are.”
“Black people are not walking around for your entertainment, people, GADDAMN.” ~ hollowl0g1c
Keep your hands to yourself, folks.
If a person isn’t in imminent danger, no one should be touching them without consent.