Transphobia from strangers is painful. But from one's own family is infinitely worse.
For trans people who go through physical transitions, their bodies sometimes have marks or scars afterward.
Redditor shirtproblems found himself in a maddening situation with his sister because of his surgery scars. He took to the popular subReddit "Am I The A**hole?" or "AITA" to suss out whether his anger was warranted.
He posted:
"AITA for getting mad at my sister for not wanting me shirtless at her pool?"
The drama started at a family party:
"My sister and her husband invited me over to their pool today for a little BBQ. I assumed it would just be me, my sister, her husband, my nephews, and my parents."
"But turns out they also invited her husband's side of the family."
Once our original poster, or OP, was getting ready to swim, he was approached by his sister:
"When it was time to get in the pool, I changed into my swim trunks and removed my shirt. But my sister stopped me before I came out of their house and asked to keep my shirt on because of my scars."
"She was referring to the scars from when I had my top (chest) surgery. I'm a trans guy. Had started transitioning 8 yrs ago and my surgery was 4 years ago."
"My scars have already faded and they're pretty well hidden under my pecs. You'd have to look really close to even notice."
OP was taken aback and hurt by his sister's reasoning:
"I've been to their pool many times and she's never said anything before so I was surprised. Every other guy including my dad were all shirtless in the pool."
"When I asked what the prob was with my scars she said she was uncomfortable with her in laws knowing I'm trans. My feelings were hurt but I was mainly pissed.
"She said she didn't want her in laws to look at her differently if they found out about me."
"She told me not to make a big deal and to go with it."
OP's mood was ruined from then on:
"When she left, I went back inside to change because I wasn't gonna go in the pool with a shirt on. I only had the one I came wearing because I didn't expect her to ask me this."
"My mood was soured after that and I didn't wanna be around her so I decided to leave. When I said bye to everyone they were all confused since I was only there less than an hour."
"My dad pulled me aside and asked why I was leaving early."
And OP's family ended up taking OP's side:
"I told him to ask my sister and left. An hour later my sister called me upset because she and my dad got into a fight."
"My parents were furious about what she told me and they ended up leaving early too. Now she's angry at me for ruining the bbq and said I didn't have to cause all this drama if I only did what she asked."
OP wonders if he should have just gone with his sister's request to keep the peace:
"What she said hurt me and I was no longer in a mood to be around her or anyone else, but I didn't mean for all that to happen."
"Am I the a**hole for getting mad at her and basically ruining their day?"
Redditors decided where guilt belongs by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Reddit was overwhelmingly on the side of OP, saying that his sister was nothing short of transphobic in that moment.
"NTA, no way. Showing your scars and explaining why you have them on the spot would have been much easier for everyone. Your sister ruined her own bbq. I bet her in-laws have many questions in their minds now too."~Yarragh
"NTA. You were right to call out that transphobic behaviour. 'Didn't want her in laws to look at her differently' makes it sound like she was saying she was ashamed to have a trans brother."
"I'm glad your parents stood up for you though! That was awesome of them."~Verity_Fox
"Never in my life would I have thought I'd attribute the words "class act" to anyone, yet here I am, realizing OP has shown me exactly what that embodies."
"Despite being blindsided by such a disrespectful request, you found the best way out of a horrible situation. You didn't 'make a scene.' You didn't even throw her under the bus when your dad questioned you, thus denying her any way to claim you exaggerated or escalated what was said."
"You even saved her from the setup she was inadvertently creating to be an even bigger disaster. If you did wear a shirt in the pool, something you never do, others would have asked why or told you to take it off. Your sister would have panicked and tried to divert or interject, and it only would have gone downhill from there."
"She dug her own grave when she placed her in-laws' possible negative reaction above her own brother. Also, I love how supportive the rest of your family has been. Your dad is so adorably wholesome it's making me tear up."~DragonCelica
"NTA. I have several FTM friends and former students. Getting to go shirtless at a pool or the beach is like a rite of passage."
"It means you feel comfortable that you are 'passing.' I guess you could call it a 'rite of passing' then. I can imagine how deeply it hurt you, both that your sister wasn't supportive (and, frankly, overjoyed) that you feel good about going shirtless, and that she is obviously ashamed of who you are."
"You were right to leave, and I almost cheered out loud when I read that your parents left too, in solidarity with you."~NJ2CAthrowaway
All agree that sister has nobody to blame but herself.
"NTA As a fellow trans afab person, I would be heartbroken if my sister said this to me. I'm yet to have top surgery but when I initially came out my older sister was awful about it."
"She said she would never call me her brother, never use my new name and never use different pronouns. It broke my heart."
"It's so good though that your parents stuck up for you, and it's her own fault that she had an argument with your dad. She's the AH and clearly has some internalized transphobia."~dickless0wonder
"NTA! Your sister ruined her party ALL BY HERSELF. She worried about her in-laws thinking badly of her b/c you're YOU. That's a dick move right there."
"I'm so sorry she chose appearances over honesty. I would have left, too. I'm glad your parents are supporting you. Sis needs to go take a look in a mirror to see who's responsible here."~PolkadotUnicornium
"FYI if ever it comes up and you don't feel like explaining your scars, guys who have gynecomastia and needed them reduced will have the same scars.
Bonus in that you won't even be lying about it, as you are a man who had moobs and had them reduced. NTA your sister is transphobic."~kinnoth
"NTA. Your sister was definitely the a**hole in this case. If her in laws have a problem with trans people, she might want to think about what kind of people they are instead alienating her family."
"If she wasn't sure how her in laws would react, then she should've talked with either you or them so the whole thing could've happened in a controlled environment instead of suddenly telling you to wear a shirt to the pool."
"Which is stupid anyway because then they're just going to ask why you're in the pool with your shirt on. But the BBQ being ruined was in no way because you were an a**hole."
"I think most people would've left at that point."~WR31T6
Asking a trans person to hide their identity is inherently transphobic.
"NTA. Like you said, the scars were barely noticeable so unless they looked closely and asked, the conversation wouldn't be brought up anyway. Your sister, instead of being supportive, was trying to make sure your identity was a dirty little secret to hide from the in laws."
"She caused the drama in the first place, not you, not your father, she did. Apparently all she cared about was making sure her 'image' wasn't tarnished in front of her in laws and would rather you sacrifice feeling comfortable at a party then to support you."
"If her in laws didn't like it, she could have told them to get over it."
"You shouldn't be asked to hide your identity. Period. End of discussion."~Charlotte_Rose1993
"Ok so a male cousin of mine had a double mastectomy due to breast cancer. No one ever suggested he cover his scars."
"A coworker of mine has a scar on her throat from having her thyroid removed, no one expects her to cover it up. In a few weeks I'm having a laparoscopy and I'm 100% sure I won't stop wearing bikinis to cover the scars from that."
"You had a medical procedure and you are not required to wear a shirt to make others comfortable."
"NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA"
"Also, I'm confused by your sisters logic if she/her in-laws are really that (transphobic) conservative; it's only women's breast tissue that's 'offensive' and you're obviously a bloke so 🤷🏽♀️"
"Keep living your best life, from an internet ally 🏳️🌈"~User_Not_Found_78457
"NTA-You did not ruin the day she did with her insensitive request. If she didn't want to make a big deal out of it then she should have had a conversation with you before hand. You took the initiative to remove yourself from the situation instead of fighting with her."
"Your dad asked you what was going on and you told the truth. How does she know how her in-laws would have reacted? If she is married, how do they not already know? They will find out eventually and have to deal with the knowledge then."~Victor-Grimm
"NTA she caused the issue, not you. You didn't make a scene. No one would notice your scars and if they did they would probably never even think they were from having top surgery, cis men can have surgery for gynocomastia or even breast cancer that could cause similar scars. I'm glad your parents stood up for you."
"At some point in time her in laws are going to find out that you are trans, someone will let it slip or they will see some childhood pictures or something and then your sister is going to look like a liar for hiding it from them."
"She is building her own house of cards and when it tumbles down she will probably blame you for it because she is incredibly insecure. She didn't want her in laws to look at HER differently."
"No concern for you. Had she said that her in laws were transphobic and she was trying to spare your feelings I'd understand, but she was only concerned about herself."
"I'm sorry you have to deal with this."~montanagrizfan
This request from the OP's sister showed a worrying disregard for OP's identity and struggles as a trans person.
Hopefully OP's sister can realize that she was in the wrong, apologize and begin mending the relationship she unwound.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp