in , ,

Trans Redditor Sparks Family Drama After Refusing To ‘Just Move Past’ Their Stepdad’s Homophobic Comments

Tetra Images/GettyImages

Redditor big_doggos is transgender and was invited to spend the holidays this year with their devoutly religious mother and stepfather.

However, the Original Poster (OP) declined the invitation due to a past conversation with the stepfather that did not end well.

The OP visited the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit and asked:

“AITA for refusing to ‘just move past’ my stepfather being openly homophobic towards me?”

The OP started with some backstory.

“My parents separated about 13 years ago and my mom got remarried about 9 years ago. Both my mother and stepfather are very devout nondenominational Christians.”

“I came out as bi about two years ago and started to transition about 8 months ago. This incident occurred before I was openly trans but after I had come out as bi and was living with my partner at the time.”

“On to the incident.”

“I was riding in the car with my mother and stepfather on our way back from dinner. Somehow the topic of gay marriage came up and my stepfather started talking about how gay people shouldn’t be allowed to get married as it’s against the bible.”

“I brought up that our country was founded on freedom of religion and that a key aspect of our government is supposed to be separation of church and state.”

“I said that I wasn’t hurting anybody by dating someone of the same sex and that there is no non-religious reason to ban my partner and I from pursuing a marriage. He said that marriage doesn’t really matter and that I should just be happy being able to live with my partner.”

“I brought up a couple of different benefits of marriage including tax breaks and medical care. Our conversation devolved throughout the car ride and tensions were high by the time that we reached home.”

“Once we got back, I went straight up to my room to avoid having to talk to my stepfather anymore. My mother came up to my room a few minutes later and just shook her head at me and said ‘I don’t know how this got here’.”

“I left town the next day, and we never talked about the conversation or how blatantly homophobic my stepdad was towards me. The next time I saw him was at my sister’s wedding, and I basically just avoided him the entire time and stayed with my actual dad while I was in town.”

“My mother asked me to stay at her house for Christmas this year, and I told her that I wasn’t comfortable staying in a place where people were allowed to be openly homophobic towards me. She asked me what I meant as she had completely forgotten that this incident had even occurred.”

“I reminded her about what happened and she told me that she didn’t remember that happening and that it wasn’t worth talking about or bringing back up since neither of us would be able to accurately remember the conversation. She said that I need to just ‘sweep it under the rug and move past it’.”

“I told her that since there was never any apology or recognition about the conversation happening, then there is no reason for me to believe that it won’t happen again. I told her that as long as my stepdad is around I won’t ever be comfortable staying in her home.”

“I can tell my mother is upset that I won’t be staying with her now or potentially ever again, but at the same time, I’m really not ok staying in a space where people are allowed to be openly homophobic towards me.”

“AITA for not being willing to just move past this?”

Strangers on the internet were asked to declare one of the following:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
  • NAH – No A**holes Here

A majority of Redditors said the OP was NTA.

“No apology? NTA”

“Unless he admits he was wrong in the past and has committed to change, I wouldn’t forgive.” – Hafthohlladung

“What always p*sses me off about these self righteous a**holes is the hypocrisy. The stepdad is complaining about the sanctity of marriage while being a stepdad!”

“Yeah, if you want marriage to remain pure, that’s fine. That also includes no divorce and no prenup. But that part conveniently gets left out.”

“And marriage is a prelude to procreating, so unless OP has step siblings, the stepdad isn’t doing what marriage was intended to do. (in a religious sense)”

“But yeah, two gay guys is the real issue here, defiling the idea of marriage…..”

“IMHO marriage is for everyone with any strings attached or not attached as you see fit. If people want to get married for their religion they can have it ratified by the state according to their wishes.”

“Who the hell cares how someone else gets married?” – Superior91

“NTA… your stepdad is a big one though… You better not stay at their place because who knows if the same argument happens again… Then that would ruin couple more months of your peace of mind…” – Right_Diet

“I’m chucking Mom under the A**hole bus, too, though – because she’s the one who not only didn’t stick up for OP at the time, she’s insisting they ‘get over’ being hurt without in any way addressing the fact that OP was hurt in the first place, or trying to get her husband to apologize.” – griseldabean

“NTA. You don’t have to socialize or talk to someone that makes you feel uncomfortable. Good for you to stand your ground.”

“Now you’ve told your mother what the problem was, now it’s their chance to make it right by apologize to you.”

“By the way, it’s also okay if you want to forgive your stepdad too. It’s your family, you don’t have to listen to us to tell you what you should or should not do.” – kelvinbill1816

The OP later wrote:

“Yeah I had to leave town the next day because that’s just when my flight was and he never tried to apologize or anything even after I made it very clear that his comments were hurtful and offensive.”

“She keeps trying to pull the ‘he’s family‘ card and I told her that just because she remarried doesn’t mean I consider her new husband apart of my family.”

In an edit, they said they planned to visit for Christmas but only under one condition.

“I told her I was willing to come over and do a small Christmas thing with her and my sister if my stepdad was not going to be there. I said that if he’s going to be there then we would need to find a different time to celebrate if that’s what she wants to do.”

Written by Koh Mochizuki

Koh Mochizuki is a Los Angeles based actor whose work has been spotted anywhere from Broadway stages to Saturday Night Live.
He received his B.A. in English literature and is fluent in Japanese.
In addition to being a neophyte photographer, he is a huge Disney aficionado and is determined to conquer all Disney parks in the world to publish a photographic chronicle one day. Mickey goals.
Instagram: kohster Twitter: @kohster1 Flickr: nyckmo