I haven’t been to many weddings in my life and only slightly more receptions.
Is seven weddings—four family members’, two friends’, one boss’—a low number? It seems low compared to most of the people I know.
Many of my friends did destination weddings or skipped the big ceremony for a few witnesses and a justice of the peace. For some reason, the big expensive wedding just wasn’t my contemporaries’ vibe.
Of the ones I’ve attended, they’ve been pretty casual. But some people seem to take weddings very seriously.
A woman who thought her sister was very casual about her wedding turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Throwawayfaraway878 asked:
“AITA for missing my sister’s wedding after she scheduled it on a date she knew I might not make it?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“Sister and fiancé (both early 40’s) are getting married after many years of dating. First marriage for both, but they’ve been casual about this from the get-go.”
“They decided to get married randomly after a conversation with friends prompted it, no proposal, wanted a courthouse ceremony and just a party with their friends.
“Our family has blown this up a bit. It seems to be moving now more towards a backyard wedding with friends and family.”
“Several months ago while they were discussing dates, my sister asked me what my availability was because I’m the only family that lives far away and I have 3 young kids, so I’m the most difficult to pin down.”
“We talked through my schedule and I gave her dates that were kind of like ‘no’, ‘maybe’, and ‘yes, absolutely’. She said she was planning on those ‘yes’ timeframes anyways so, awesome, this will be great.”
“Save the dates go out via email a few weeks later, and she set a date that was on my ‘maybe’ weekends. I call and ask what’s up, she said her and fiancé also kicked dates around with friends, and this was the one that seemed to work for them so… they decided to do that.”
“The ‘maybe’ reason for me was related to other travel I have already scheduled. Trying to get back to my hometown with my whole family is no longer an option, now it becomes only some of us go, and not others, or we fly out on different days… it’s a mess to navigate.”
“She says ‘Hey it’s okay. I want you there, but I understand’. I talk to my spouse, we decide it’s too much to navigate, too expensive to make it work, we’re not going.”
“My sister seems fine, she keeps downplaying mom & dad making a big deal out of this, says it’s not even a wedding… yada, yada.”
“I’m feeling okay, but my siblings and my parents are absolutely ripping me to shreds over this. They are piling on the heaviest guilt trips, accusing me of not caring about family and sh*t like that.”
“Like, I should just cancel and eat the cost of other things I’ve already paid for and can’t get refunded and drop thousands of dollars to fly my family to this wedding that my sister scheduled to happen on a weekend when they knew I may not be able to attend.”
“My siblings seem to think my sister is being nice and telling me it’s okay because she doesn’t want to guilt trip me.”
“Knowing her, that’s not outside the realm of possibility, but also she made some comments about how my kids would have been the only kids there, that gave me the vibe that she didn’t want kids running around the backyard wedding either.”
“So Reddit… AITA for skipping this wedding?”
The OP later added:
“The common question is ‘why did I say MAYBE if I had plans?’. That’s valid criticism, but when I said we looked at dates, what I meant was more like general timeframes.
“It went like this: my sister says they want to do it before the weather cools down. This leaves us pretty much with July/August/September.”
“I said, ‘hey July is absolutely nuts for us at work, if you do it then we definitely can’t go. August, there’s some weeks that are better than others, it’s a toss up’.”
“‘September I’m wide open, zero conflicts’. She had been saying September all along, that was THE month.”
“We didn’t even talk about specific dates in August because she wasn’t indicating that was an option for her at that time. When I hung up I was entirely under the impression that it was going to be September and August wasn’t on the radar.”
“I understand why some think I come across as being ‘judgy’ about their wedding, or that I’m trying to make it seem unimportant. That’s really not how I feel.”
“I’ve encouraged her from the start to block out all the family noise and just do what she wants. My dad tried to get her to change the date when I said my family couldn’t make it and I had to tell him to leave her alone and let her do what she wants.”
“She’s been the one who didn’t want to call it a wedding, she didn’t like that it was turning into a bigger thing, told me many times they were just trying to make the parents happy by doing ‘a thing’.”
“I’m certainly wondering now if she was being honest with me about the importance of it, and my being there. It’s possible she was just trying to not put a guilt trip on me.”
“She knows it costs a fortune for us to fly out, that it’s a full day of travel in each direction. It’s not some 2 hour direct cheap flight for a casual weekend trip.”
“It’s coast to coast and corner to corner with multiple flights and hours of driving to/from both departing and arriving airports.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I chose to skip my sister’s wedding after she picked a date that I told her might not work for me.”
“I am wondering if I’m the a**hole for not prioritizing my sister’s wedding over plans I made for my kids/family.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors chose every option available for the OP, with the majority voting she was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. Your sister is planning her wedding knowing you might not be there. You had discussed this possibility.”
“Your family shouldn’t even be involved, they’re the ones creating drama where none exists. Enjoy your trip.” ~ PandaCotton
“You are NTA, you have prior commitments you cannot get out of without massive financial inconvenience and hardship.”
“Your family are being inconsiderate little so and sos interjecting into a conversation with your sister. They should absolutely butt out and are being total AH’s about it.”
“May want to loop your sister in, this is HER mess to manhandle, not yours.” ~ XRaiderV1
“OP can shut that noise down in an instant by telling her family that if they pay for all the financial losses, then she can go. NTA.” ~ Shimata0711
Some saw no a**holes here (NAH).
“NAH, but consider this. Say there’s an event where 20 people are attending. One date works perfect for 19 of those people, but not for the 20th. Well, no duh, they’re gonna go with the first date.” ~ arlae
A significant number thought the OP was the a**hole (YTA).
“YTA. ‘Maybe’ should’ve never been in the discussion. You’re either available or you’re not.”
“You already had plans for that date, so it should’ve been an automatic ‘no’. You make it clear you can make it to the wedding AND do your planned trip, but you’re choosing not to go because it will be a ‘mess to navigate’.”
“Your husband and kids don’t have to be at the wedding. If going to the wedding means you going alone, then that’s the option you should choose.” ~ -Nightopian-
“YTA. Period.”
“First, your sister asked you your availability. You had prior commitments but you said maybe. Why? Is it possible that you didn’t want to go and you said as little yes as you could?”
“Also, what does the proposal has to do with you attending the wedding? Do you try to find excuses? I think there is much information you don’t provide here.” ~ evgkap
“So wait… Do you already have an important trip locked down, that you can’t miss, at the same time as your sister’s wedding, or don’t you?”
“Because, you make it sound like you do…”
“But then you make it pretty clear you’re skipping the wedding for other reasons…”
“…and by ‘clear’, I mean you throw out a bunch of words in a fairly inscrutable way, which seems deliberately designed to make us shrug and go, ‘oh well I guess this person has their reasons’ and give you a pass. YTA.” ~ Spiraling_Swordfish
“It really really sucks to be an older bride who has spent decades worth of time money and headaches to celebrate other people but no one wants to inconvenience themselves to celebrate you.”
“She’s trying to not be a demanding bridezilla but you’re taking that as an excuse to treat your sister’s WEDDING as not that important. It’s important. It isn’t less important just because she’s not 20 and now you have kids.”
“You’re not attending because it’s logistically difficult, not because you literally can’t. You didn’t tell her that weekend was a no, and in fact it seems like it’s still not a no, it’s just a pain in the a**.”
“How much inconvenience did your sister go through when you were getting married? Having kids? You really can’t attend a one day event, even if it’s by yourself without your husband and kids? YTA.” ~ thewineyourewith
And a few thought everyone sucked (ESH).
“ESH. I think you should have been more strict with what ‘maybe’ meant regarding dates.”
“She picked this because she thought you could work it out to make it and literally arranged her friends and your schedule for all her people to be there.”
“But she should have asked about the maybe if she wanted you there.” ~ www_dot_no
“ESH, you mostly. If it was impossible to travel on that date, it should have been a ‘No’ not a ‘Maybe’. Given how far away you lived, your sister and parents should have graciously accepted that you couldn’t make it.” ~ cassowary32
With no clear answer, the OP isn’t going to get any outside validation for her choices. But she’s getting no definitive condemnation either.