Wedding planning can be incredibly easy or very complicated. It all depends on what the couple getting married wants: cheap and simple or expensive and elaborate.
The more complex, the more tiny decisions need to be made which can get overwhelming. It's great to have help along the way, but is anyone owed help with their wedding planning?
A young woman turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after a future family member complained about not being treated exactly like her sister.
Mundane-Version-9644 asked:
"AITA for planning my sister's wedding for her but not helping my future sister-in-law (SIL) with hers as much?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My sister is getting married in a few months. She is currently in grad school, graduating a month before the wedding and doesn't live in our hometown, so she can't really do a lot of the planning herself. Me and her fiance's sister-in-law have been doing a lot of the work and she really just makes the big decisions."
"My brother is also getting married next year and his fiancée asked if I would be able to do the same for her."
"She doesn't really have anything stopping her from being able to plan her own wedding—she's not in school full-time like me, but she said she really needs some help especially because she is White and we are South Asian and she doesn't really know exactly how to do things."
"My brother and future brother-in-law are both pretty useless. They don't care about wedding details, so they don't do anything to help pick things out. Their opinion is always, 'yeah, whatever'."
"I told her I'd be happy to help as much as I can, but I can't do as much as I am for my sister because I'm stretched pretty thin. She's starting planning right now and I cannot be responsible for two weddings at the same time on top of being in college."
"I told her this and she got really passive aggressive with me since then. She had first asked me about two weeks ago in person, a few days after that I texted her explaining that I can't do everything, but I will help as much as I'm able to."
"She just liked my message and didn't say anything at the time, but yesterday she sent me a giant paragraph basically saying she feels unwelcome in the family and stuff like that. To be completely honest, I do see why she thinks that with my parents and extended family because they were not very accepting of her and my brother's relationship at first."
"There's also some conflict about the budgets for her wedding and my sister's."
"But I've never been like that. She said me and my sister don't make her feel like she's our sister. I'm not gonna lie, we're not super close, but that's not because I don't like her."
"Me and my sister are close in age and our brother is quite a bit older, so we're not as close with him as we are with each other. So naturally we're not going to be as close with his fiancée as we are with each other either."
"But, basically, I replied and I told her that I love her and I'm very excited for her to be part of the family, but I just can't commit to basically being her unpaid wedding planner. My sister really needed me to do it since she literally couldn't herself."
"But my future SIL can and I said I would help her when I could. She just liked my message again and didn't reply."
"But my brother called last night and said she's been really upset. And today they both came to our house, but she ignored me the whole time and left after like 30 minutes."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I might be the a**hole because I’m not making my future SIL feel welcome as part of the family."
"I’m not treating her the same way I treat my sister. And our whole family has already been very unwelcoming to her."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA for not helping quite as much, but I feel for this woman so so so much. The family has, by your own admission, been hostile to her."
"Now she's expected to meet cultural expectations she's not familiar with and no one is helping. Meanwhile, the dudes are just hanging out like they're somehow not the ones getting married and therefore have no obligation to help."
"If I were her, I'd tell my hubby that unless he picks up the cultural tradition slack, I'm planning the wedding as I know and want, and his family can f right off." ~ Witty-Stock-4913
"Ironically, your sister just has bad organization and time management skills, she probably shouldn’t have booked in a wedding when she was going to be unable to plan it."
"Your future sister-in-law is asking for help to get things right, because she doesn’t actually know the culture enough, because she needs the help."
"Both brides can hire wedding planners/coordinators, so it shouldn’t be all up to you, but I can understand why your brother and SIL are feeling upset."
"Of course you’re closer to your sister, you’ve known each other your whole lives."
"NAH, everyone’s feelings make sense, and everyone’s being honest." ~ Only-Breadfruit-6108
"It could the that the date for the sister's wedding was the closest 'auspicious' date for the couple. I've seen a lot of wedding dates choosen due to this criteria (I'm also South Asian)."
"I had a friend say her friend's wedding was put on hold until the next year due to a fortune teller telling her mother that the couples luck if they got married that year would be lukewarm." ~ nomad_l17
"My one problem here is sister is getting married soon. But future SIL and brother is not until next year, but SIL wants to start the planning while another one is being planned, and wants OP to commit to planning hers."
"Not just give advice on cultural stuff, or help with small stuff. Ignoring that OP is doing school as well. Which OP already explained to her."
"And instead of saying 'I can see why that would be stressful, i would appreciate the help after the wedding. Or when you have some time' she gets angry that she won't get someone to do it all for her."
"Brother could use this as a bridge to help her get closer with his general family. 'Mom, fiancée and I want to add x and x tradition. Could you help after sister's wedding?' Or he could actually step up as a fiancé and help with his own wedding."
"The main problem here really is there is at least 9 months at minumum until their wedding but she is pulling on people for help while they are doing last stuff for the other. And shows no understanding for that fact." ~ Dangerous-WinterElf
"NTA It’s honestly on your brother to step up and help her plan/coordinate with your family. He needs to ask what needs to be done, recruit family members, and be present for those interactions."
"There must be a parent, grandparent, aunt/uncle, cousin, family friend etc... that is willing and available to help. I don’t care about any cultural expectations: dumping this on his two younger sisters, whom are very busy, just isn’t viable."
"You need to talk to your brother about how his fiancee’s behavior is inappropriate for someone asking for help. You deserve an apology for being rudely ignored, but pick your battles." ~ No_Whole9920
"Your sister is getting married this summer and your SIL next year. I’m not sure why there is the time crunch with this spread out the way it is. If you don’t believe you can help, most of the planning needs to fall on your brother. That might not be culturally appropriate, but the alternative is for them to hire a wedding planner, not guilt trip you." ~ Traveler691
"NTA. It would be kind of you to follow up your previous messages telling her to plan the wedding she wants, and that if she has questions about anything, especially the cultural aspects, that you will happily help as much as you can even if all the help you can offer is information."
"She is being incredibly bold assuming that you should do for her as much as you do for your actual sister. That's a ridiculous expectation for anyone to have. Tell your brother to reach out to your mother, cousins, aunts, etc. And tell him to ask them to help her."
"Or they can extend their engagement and get married the next year, when you might have less on your plate. As a side note, there's a reason wedding planners are paid for their services. Good luck and congratulations to your family for all the happy events." ~ _-Raina-_
OP is in a tough position, but this isn't her wedding or her sister.
Her brother needs to take care of this, and if he won't, then maybe he shouldn't be getting married.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp