Wedding planning can be incredibly easy or very complicated. It all depends on what the couple getting married wants: cheap and simple or expensive and elaborate.
The more complex, the more tiny decisions need to be made which can get overwhelming. It's great to have help along the way, but is anyone owed help with their wedding planning?
A young woman turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after a future family member complained about not being treated exactly like her sister.
Mundane-Version-9644 asked:
"AITA for planning my sister's wedding for her but not helping my future sister-in-law (SIL) with hers as much?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My sister is getting married in a few months. She is currently in grad school, graduating a month before the wedding and doesn't live in our hometown, so she can't really do a lot of the planning herself. Me and her fiance's sister-in-law have been doing a lot of the work and she really just makes the big decisions."
"My brother is also getting married next year and his fiancée asked if I would be able to do the same for her."
"She doesn't really have anything stopping her from being able to plan her own wedding—she's not in school full-time like me, but she said she really needs some help especially because she is White and we are South Asian and she doesn't really know exactly how to do things."
"My brother and future brother-in-law are both pretty useless. They don't care about wedding details, so they don't do anything to help pick things out. Their opinion is always, 'yeah, whatever'."
"I told her I'd be happy to help as much as I can, but I can't do as much as I am for my sister because I'm stretched pretty thin. She's starting planning right now and I cannot be responsible for two weddings at the same time on top of being in college."
"I told her this and she got really passive aggressive with me since then. She had first asked me about two weeks ago in person, a few days after that I texted her explaining that I can't do everything, but I will help as much as I'm able to."
"She just liked my message and didn't say anything at the time, but yesterday she sent me a giant paragraph basically saying she feels unwelcome in the family and stuff like that. To be completely honest, I do see why she thinks that with my parents and extended family because they were not very accepting of her and my brother's relationship at first."
"There's also some conflict about the budgets for her wedding and my sister's."
"But I've never been like that. She said me and my sister don't make her feel like she's our sister. I'm not gonna lie, we're not super close, but that's not because I don't like her."
"Me and my sister are close in age and our brother is quite a bit older, so we're not as close with him as we are with each other. So naturally we're not going to be as close with his fiancée as we are with each other either."
"But, basically, I replied and I told her that I love her and I'm very excited for her to be part of the family, but I just can't commit to basically being her unpaid wedding planner. My sister really needed me to do it since she literally couldn't herself."
"But my future SIL can and I said I would help her when I could. She just liked my message again and didn't reply."
"But my brother called last night and said she's been really upset. And today they both came to our house, but she ignored me the whole time and left after like 30 minutes."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I might be the a**hole because I’m not making my future SIL feel welcome as part of the family."
"I’m not treating her the same way I treat my sister. And our whole family has already been very unwelcoming to her."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA for not helping quite as much, but I feel for this woman so so so much. The family has, by your own admission, been hostile to her."
"Now she's expected to meet cultural expectations she's not familiar with and no one is helping. Meanwhile, the dudes are just hanging out like they're somehow not the ones getting married and therefore have no obligation to help."
"If I were her, I'd tell my hubby that unless he picks up the cultural tradition slack, I'm planning the wedding as I know and want, and his family can f right off." ~ Witty-Stock-4913
"Ironically, your sister just has bad organization and time management skills, she probably shouldn’t have booked in a wedding when she was going to be unable to plan it."
"Your future sister-in-law is asking for help to get things right, because she doesn’t actually know the culture enough, because she needs the help."
"Both brides can hire wedding planners/coordinators, so it shouldn’t be all up to you, but I can understand why your brother and SIL are feeling upset."
"Of course you’re closer to your sister, you’ve known each other your whole lives."
"NAH, everyone’s feelings make sense, and everyone’s being honest." ~ Only-Breadfruit-6108
"It could the that the date for the sister's wedding was the closest 'auspicious' date for the couple. I've seen a lot of wedding dates choosen due to this criteria (I'm also South Asian)."
"I had a friend say her friend's wedding was put on hold until the next year due to a fortune teller telling her mother that the couples luck if they got married that year would be lukewarm." ~ nomad_l17
"My one problem here is sister is getting married soon. But future SIL and brother is not until next year, but SIL wants to start the planning while another one is being planned, and wants OP to commit to planning hers."
"Not just give advice on cultural stuff, or help with small stuff. Ignoring that OP is doing school as well. Which OP already explained to her."
"And instead of saying 'I can see why that would be stressful, i would appreciate the help after the wedding. Or when you have some time' she gets angry that she won't get someone to do it all for her."
"Brother could use this as a bridge to help her get closer with his general family. 'Mom, fiancée and I want to add x and x tradition. Could you help after sister's wedding?' Or he could actually step up as a fiancé and help with his own wedding."
"The main problem here really is there is at least 9 months at minumum until their wedding but she is pulling on people for help while they are doing last stuff for the other. And shows no understanding for that fact." ~ Dangerous-WinterElf
"NTA It’s honestly on your brother to step up and help her plan/coordinate with your family. He needs to ask what needs to be done, recruit family members, and be present for those interactions."
"There must be a parent, grandparent, aunt/uncle, cousin, family friend etc... that is willing and available to help. I don’t care about any cultural expectations: dumping this on his two younger sisters, whom are very busy, just isn’t viable."
"You need to talk to your brother about how his fiancee’s behavior is inappropriate for someone asking for help. You deserve an apology for being rudely ignored, but pick your battles." ~ No_Whole9920
"Your sister is getting married this summer and your SIL next year. I’m not sure why there is the time crunch with this spread out the way it is. If you don’t believe you can help, most of the planning needs to fall on your brother. That might not be culturally appropriate, but the alternative is for them to hire a wedding planner, not guilt trip you." ~ Traveler691
"NTA. It would be kind of you to follow up your previous messages telling her to plan the wedding she wants, and that if she has questions about anything, especially the cultural aspects, that you will happily help as much as you can even if all the help you can offer is information."
"She is being incredibly bold assuming that you should do for her as much as you do for your actual sister. That's a ridiculous expectation for anyone to have. Tell your brother to reach out to your mother, cousins, aunts, etc. And tell him to ask them to help her."
"Or they can extend their engagement and get married the next year, when you might have less on your plate. As a side note, there's a reason wedding planners are paid for their services. Good luck and congratulations to your family for all the happy events." ~ _-Raina-_
OP is in a tough position, but this isn't her wedding or her sister.
Her brother needs to take care of this, and if he won't, then maybe he shouldn't be getting married.
