Sometimes the best of intentions are ill-timed.
People offering help may always sound like a good idea, but not all help is warranted.
Some offers to help may feel like an insult.
Redditor Deep_Football_6269 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for asking to babysit my SIL's [31F] baby daughter overnight?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I asked my S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] if I could babysit their daughter overnight, which would involve bedsharing."
"She got upset at me for asking and for not checking in on her during the pregnancy."
"I [25 M[ale]] have a brother [33 M] and sister in law [31 F[emale]] who just had a baby girl about two months ago."
"They flew into our hometown to see my parents (the baby's grandparents) and visit."
"I love kids (I'm actually a daycare teacher for 2-year-olds), and I'm very excited to eventually have kids of my own one day."
"If it's useful context, I am transmasc and am coming off testosterone soon to have a kid of my own."
"I'm quite family-oriented."
"My brother and SIL have been looking really tired, and I asked if they wanted me to babysit their daughter overnight so they could get some rest."
"My SIL and the baby do 'safe bedsharing, ' where they sleep on a mattress on the floor with no blankets, etc., so my SIL didn't bring a crib to visit--they just rearranged the bedroom when they got here."
"My SIL asked where the baby would sleep, and I said I could rearrange my bedroom to have the same setup, and she started blowing up at me."
"Here's where I might be TA."
"I have AuDHD and generally have a hard time staying in touch with people over the phone."
"I'm not super close to my SIL to begin with (we have a cordial relationship when we see each other, but don't text or call often, I'm like that with everyone), and as a result, I didn't really check up on her during her pregnancy."
"When she blew up at me, she said, 'I'm not an incubator making a doll for you to play with, you can't bedshare with someone else's baby when you barely checked up on the mother, what's wrong with you?'"
"My brother ushered her out of the room and didn't say much for the rest of the day."
"I haven't heard much from them since."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP WAS the A**hole.
"YTA. It does look like you want to 'play mommy' with your nibling."
"And it is bizarre that you apparently think it's no big deal to bed share with the child of a woman you don't know well."
"I would have massive reservations about your judgment and would not let you unsupervised around my child." ~ DMfortinyplayers
"YEP! As someone who's been there (baby is 16 months now), those first few weeks/months are a LOT hormonally and emotionally."
"I would have had a very similar (if not worse) reaction if someone offered to take my baby overnight and share a bed with them?"
"Yeah, OK, that's a good way to never be alone with my kid."
"It's never let me get groceries, let me clean up or hire a housekeeper, let me cook for you or drop off food' - just 'let me have time with YOUR child' …insane behavior." ~ WildGriffie
"I'm super close to my sister."
"My niece was 10 weeks early."
"I live in the same city, so I came over to help a fair amount since our parents didn't live here."
"I had lots of childcare experience, including being a nanny to a newborn."
"The first time my sister and B[rother]-I[n]-L[aaw] went out for a date was to a wedding."
"I babysat at their house."
"Slept in the guest room and had the bassinet in the room with me."
"You don't separate the baby from the mother."
"YTA. You totally do want to play mommy."
"It's not your kid, and your SIL has every right to react the way she did."
"Help in other ways and work up to an overnight." ~ thatoneredheadgirl
"Gently, YTA."
"I know that you have good intentions, but she's probably getting this sort of stuff from a lot of people -- once the baby is born, a lot of people only want to focus on the baby and mom fades into the background."
"It's super easy for Au[tism]-D[eficit]/H[yperactivity] D[isorder]A[ttention]-D[eficit]/H[yperactivity] D[isorder] people to not maintain friendships at the same level that neurotypicals prefer, so to you, this is how you interact with everyone, but to her it probably seems like she's unimportant and you're only interested in spending time with her baby."
"But more importantly... the baby is only 2 months old."
"Of course, her parents look exhausted."
"The baby is not sleeping through the night yet."
"She's waking up every couple of hours wanting to eat."
"I am going to hazard a guess that SIL is also likely breastfeeding."
"How would you handle feedings?"
"I know that you meant well and you absolutely wanted to help, and that's kind of you!"
"But it's probably better to wait until the baby is a bit older to suggest taking your niece for an overnight visit. <3." ~ DioxPurple
"YTA. The baby is two months old?"
"And you wanted them to spend the night without the baby?"
"Two months is still very young. "
"Most parents haven't even left a baby with a babysitter for a few hours at that age."
"Asking to spend the night really isn't ever appropriate."
"You could have offered to babysit for a few hours so they could nap."
"I struggle to believe you have any experience with infants."
"Older children are not the same." ~ sweadle
"Softly, YTA."
"Two months is too soon to ask to keep a baby, especially when it's not a baby you're around a lot."
"You don't say, but it does not sound like you've spent a lot of time around that baby."
"Additionally, you aren't close to the baby's mother."
"You had good intentions, but you definitely overstepped." ~ keesouth
"Agreed."
"What can I do during your visit to support you?"
"I'm happy to cook, do chores, babysit, etc."
"Let me know what you would find helpful."
"New parents are often inundated with other people's expectations and demands for time with the new baby."
"Mothers often feel like a feeding source with all the demands of nursing."
"Hormones certainly don't help."
"The focus of family members should be on supporting the parents for the first few months."
"It was very presumptuous to ask to babysit overnight when it's likely the new mom hasn't even been apart from the baby for even a couple of hours."
"They're trying to establish sleep routines, which are already at risk with traveling and sleeping in someone else's home."
"The fact that OP supposedly spends so much time with young children and completely overlooks how the parents would feel in this scenario is truly puzzling."
"It does sound a bit like they were excited to play house rather than support their brother and SIL." ~ Grrrrr_Arrrrrgh
"YTA. That is an odd suggestion."
"Very few parents are going to let their two-month-old spend the night with someone else."
"Working with two-year-olds is not the same as keeping an infant overnight."
"And bedsharing with someone else's baby is definitely odd."
"That kid wouldn't get a wink of sleep."
"You're a stranger to her." ~ IHaveBoxerDogs
"Not TA, but your ask was also wildly strange."
"You asked to have a bedsharing sleepover with a 2-month-old baby while admitting you have a 'cordial at best' relationship with her mother."
"And no infant experience of your own."
"You went on fairly elaborately about wanting a family of your own and your journey to get there in your post."
"Honestly, I get why your SIL would be really weirded out by your request, especially since you admit you have a 'cordial' relationship with her at best."
"Your request was hella weird." ~ EndsIn-ing
"I may be downvoted for this, but YTA."
"You can't use ADHD as an excuse for not asking how she is once."
"I find it so sad when people forget that mothers are people too."
"You're genuinely telling me that you didn't think just once to maybe ask how she's doing?"
"That's literally your niece's mother."
"Even if you're not close, do you genuinely think you can have a relationship with your niece if you're not even asking how your SIL is?"
"I can understand her reaction."
"Do I think it was a bit much? Yes."
"But I also get why."
"You literally didn't check on her once, and now you're asking to sleep-share with her two-month-old baby?"
"I don't know, the ADHD excuse is a really pathetic excuse."
"You can't even offer to help her with something other than the baby?"
"She's literally 8 weeks post partum."
"You majorly overstepped." ~ Thylunaprincess
"YTA. If you're so kid-focused and can't wait to have kids and all that, you should know that a two-month-old isn't going to do well without its mother overnight."
"And that the mother would get less sleep if she had to tend to her baby from another room."
"That's a bizarre request, especially coupled with the fact you're not close to her at all." ~ Vegetable_Burrito
"YTA. Impact over intent, man."
"I get that you think you were making a friendly offer, but you have to look deeper within yourself and ask whether you really thought you would be helping them or if you wanted to play parent for a night because you want a kid."
"Because if you actually want to be helpful, help them do things that allow them to focus more on their child."
"It is not helpful to offer to take an infant away from its parents."
"It is helpful to give them space, carry their bags, offer to do a load of laundry, stuff like that." ~ Mammoth_Ad_5423
Your heart may have been in the right place, but Reddit disagrees with your action, OP.
Try not to take it personally.
Your brother and SIL have a lot going on.
Maybe try to talk to them and apologize when they're calmer.
Good Luck.
New Mom Snaps At Brother-In-Law For Offering To Watch Baby Overnight Since She Looks 'Tired'