Rejection can be difficult to deal with on the best of days.
While it hurts to be told No, the way we deal with that reality can make all the difference.
What do you do though when you try and let someone down gently and the reaction they give is less than ideal?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Outrageous-River3744 when they came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit
In a now deleted post, OP asked:
"AITA for not wearing my wedding ring at work?"
OP got right to the inciting incident.
"So yesterday at work I (Female 30) had this customer follow me around for a bit being just creepy."
"Asking weird... Pervy questions."
"And I was polite in telling him no and walking away."
"He followed me for a lot longer than anywhere near the normal amount of time."
"It took a bit and one of my coworkers came up and asked me if we were still on for the double date with my wife."
She then explained the actual conflict.
"This dude got so mad at me cause I didn't "look" married and that if I was I should have just said so... Even though I told him no, as nice as I could I was still working after all."
"The creepy guy again looked at me and told me that I should at least wear my wedding ring if I'm not 'on the market' any more."
"I don't like wearing my ring at work because it gets caught on things and I don't like dealing with it."
She was left to wonder,
"Am I the A**hole for not wearing my wedding ring at work?"
"And was there a better way for me to tell this guy no other than just saying no thank you and walking away."
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some pointed out privacy concerns.
"NTA."
"Your marital status is none of his business."
"You were clear that you weren't interested, and he heard that as 'be persistent'. Where deemed safe, break out of being polite with creepy men." ~ baobab77
"NTA you have no obligation to advertise your marital status."
"Dudes that hit on people while they're working are assholes because they don't realize that the smile and the politeness are part of the job, not somebody flirting with them."
"Businesses are not a women markets and you are not product. If the dude couldn't take a hint that was his problem." ~ Hot-Specialist-6824
Others pointed out how entitled the guy was.
"Her marital status is also completely irrelevant."
"She might have been single and ready to mingle but that doesn't mean she wants to mingle with him."
"The audacity of men like him believing that women are obligated to go out with them unless they're married (and not always even then)."
"This guy has some serious Nice Guy energy going on." ~ Zupergreen
And, sadly, there were personal stories.
"This! Even with little things - I used to answer the phone for an organization."
"They'd had issues with personal targeting before, so they had rules about not using personal names on customer-facing things like various forms and when answering the phone."
"People would get SO STUCK sometimes on wanting your name."
"Why can't I have it?"
"Why are you saying no to me?"
"Sometimes they'd seem to get into this escalating emotional state, as if I was denying them food or water or actually relevant information."
"People who aren't good at boundaries get SO UPSET when other people hold to them." ~ very_busy_newt
"Eugh, yeah."
"Two examples spring to mind."
"One - dude is hitting on me and I'm trying not to engage."
"Asks me if I'm married and I confirm that I am."
"Dude then continues to hit on me."
"Really bothered me because does that mean you were only asking if I'm taken so if I said I wasn't, you could utilize that somehow?"
"Felt super shady to ask if someone is taken and then not back off when they say yes."
"And then two, one of my ickiest memories of this category."
"Dude had my number from a while back, started texting in a flirty way. (For example, when I asked who it was, he sent a shirtless selfie rather than texting his name.)"
"I let him know that I'd gotten married in the years since we talked, so he was barking up the wrong tree."
"Dude sent back something like 'that's alright, I've enjoyed the favors of many married ladies'...." ~ very_busy_newt
"Nope, a ring wouldn't have stopped him."
"My sister used to work as a dealer in a casino."
"Her hands were always basically on display... complete with the wedding ring, with the diamond catching the light all the time, I'm sure."
"She still got hit on CONSTANTLY."
"Even flat out telling guys that she was married didn't deter them AT ALL, because they apparently assumed 'married' meant 'looking to cheat,' or something?"
"Honestly, do whatever you're comfortable with."
"My parents have been happily married for 45 years and counting, but Mom is a massage therapist and obviously can't wear her wedding ring when she's working, and as for Dad... I know I've seen his wedding ring once or twice in Mom's jewelry box, but I wouldn't recognize it if I saw it again."
"In his career, wearing a ring was a legitimate safety hazard."
"I honestly have no idea if he's ever worn it at all past the day of their actual wedding."
"But, again... 45 years, and they're still going strong."
"Their relationship is not at all defined by the presence or absence of a piece of jewelry."
"For other people, that same piece of jewelry is EVERYTHING. Neither way is 'right' or 'wrong.' Just find what works for you and your wife, and the rest of the world can shove it." ~ TogetherAgain18
The real issue was consent.
'"The creepy guy again looked at me and told me that I should at least wear my wedding ring if I'm not 'on the market' any more."'
"NTA"
"You are not a cattle."
"You are not 'on the market'. You are a human being and you don't have to wear a symbol to prove you're 'owned' by someone else."
"A wedding ring is a personal decision and a symbol of commitment."
"Not a REQUIREMENT TO BE MARRIED. He can f*ck the f*ck right off with that incel nonsense."
"No is a complete sentence and for the love of GOD stop apologizing for creeps and losers." ~ bexyrex
"NTA."
"Sooo...if you weren't married, you would have been obligated to accept this entitled creep's attentions?"
"I think not. No means no, and you don't owe anyone anything more than that." ~ rikkimit
"Your ring is irrelevant."
"This creeper is an AH. And you are NTA."
"No means no. It doesn't mean stalk, cajole, force, talk you into it, etc."
"Since you seem to be in customer service, this is tricky though. I suggest 3 chances."
"No, thank you. What Item can I help you with?"
"No."
"I said no! Leave or I am calling the police."
"You may get reprimanded or fired like someone on this subreddit did."
"But these people need to be put in their place."
"You need to stand up for yourself. And you need to be safe."
"You are not an object at a market for him to buy."
"Your husband is not your owner, and he is irrelevant to the situation as well."
"Your 'no' needs to be respected."
"A lot of creeps will respect another man's ownership of a woman, but not respect the woman's 'no'.
"That needs to change. No means no." ~ MissAnth
Communication is key.
"NTA"
"That guy was not ok."
"But if you're unsure about whether you should or shouldn't wear a ring, that's a great question to ask your wife."
"I wear one and would be uncomfortable if my husband chose not to wear his."
"If you and your wife are totally ok with no band, then don't wear one."
"But if you don't like it getting caught on things and that's the only reason, then you could always get a plain band?" ~ liselov
There was even mention of larger issues.
"NTA."
"No question at all."
"Sounds like you did nothing to invite his attention. Sounds like you were being 'mid-west' nice, (No clue if you're even from the US!) and he took that as you being interested."
"Sounds like he might have shame issues."
"The moment he realized you were off the market must have triggered something in him, and then he tried to flip that feeling on you by making you feel shameful for not wearing your ring."
"No more shame on him for trying to hit on a married person. Now the shame is on you for creating the situation in the first place. 🙄"
"Nothing about this situation is your fault." ~ stop_spamming_caps
While rejection can be a difficult, never be patient with someone who tries to make their discomfort your problem.
Remember, the boundaries you place—including telling someone no after they make an advance—are entirely valid and you are supposed to set those limits.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.