Family can be a real problem.
They are the ones who are suppose to support you and love you.
But sometimes family makes everything difficult in ways you couldn't have imagined.
Case in point...
Redditor PowerStrike0 wanted to discuss his story for some feedback. So naturally he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for not visiting my father on his death bed?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (34 M[ale], white) have 3 kids with my wife (30 F[emale], black)."
"I love them all to death."
"My parents are 'uncomfortable' with my lifestyle."
"And even though they met my wife and kids, they never approved of my family."
"My father died two weeks ago."
"Before that, my mother called me and asked me to come over, because my dad wanted to see me for the last time."
"I said I'd come the next morning, but then my mom said that I should come alone and not bring 'those people' with me, as per my father's last wish."
"I completely lost it, called them both racist and told my mom I won't be coming over."
"Two days ago at the funeral, my mother called me un ungrateful son, a disgrace to the family, and my siblings told me to just leave and let it go."
"Later I got texts from a bunch of family members, calling me an AH for letting my father die alone and breaking my mom's heart."
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
It's a tricky situation.
Let's hear some thoughts...
"NTA. He made his racist bed, he can die alone in it." ~ mrsv98
"Yeah, OP."
"Good for you for standing up to this racist old coot."
"Your kids and wife don't deserve such venom."
"I'm sorry that your parents did this to you. I'm so sorry."
"By the way, this is not a 'lifestyle,' this is your family."
"They can take their hypocritical bible quoting f**kery and shove it."
"Sending you hugs." ~ bvibviana
"Your mom will be fine, everyone knows racist people don't have hearts."
"You, on the other hand... are they not aware that by rejecting you and your wife and children so callously, and doubling down even while your father was dying."
"They've broken your heart not just once but thousands of times?"
"I guess your dad liked that hill so much he had to die on it." ~ Morose_Idealist
"Why do you think you're the butt in this situation?"
"Even facing death your father couldn't see the error of his ways."
"Out of curiosity, did you go to the funeral?"
"NTA by way."
"Also just my two cents, block all of the AHS."
"They're showing you who they are, if you didn't already know." ~ Reading4Drama
"I'm mixed and my mother was disowned by her family (save for her youngest sister) when she married my father."
"I never knew her side of the family until I was 10 and my grandfather died and my aunts forced my racist 'grandmother' to 'let us back into the family'... basically f**k them all."
"They are stupid for thinking that the amount of melanin/melanocytes has anything to do with the inherit value a human has for existing."
"Racists are the dumbest f**king people b/c they cannot see or think outside of their tiny little bubble..."
"YOU DID THE RIGHT THING! NTA!" ~ mulans_goat
"I am so sorry for this, OP.'
"It is God-awful that some people are like that."
"It's one reason my ex is now my ex; he was ruthless when my daughter was pregnant with a mixed baby."
"That baby was born 2 months early (lot of stress in that pregnancy), and baby and mom lived with us for a year."
"By year 2 I got a divorce, and daughter was on her own."
"But that a**hole ex was a racist bigot."
"I love my grandbabies, but I have to admit, I was so worried because I knew there were going to be problems."
"Well, divorce resolved some of them, and daughter and I worked together to raise her son."
"Ex has never acknowledged him as his grandson."
"What a disgusting pig!"
"I am sorry that such people exist."
"And I am VERY sorry that your family had to put up with your AH dad."
"Good of you to go to the funeral."
"I am certain my daughter will not go to her dad's."
"They haven't spoken for 25 years now." ~ PickleNotaBigDill
"NTA. This is not a 'lifestyle' and 'those people' are your family and it is sad that your extended family cannot accept them and are willing to engage in and support the blatant racism."
"You're better off without them." ~ jsodano
"Wow! Your dad didn't die alone."
"Your mom was there. Your lifestyle?"
"An interracial marriage is a lifestyle? I don't blame you."
"That was a horrible thing to say about your family and to say those people."
"You tell those family members to eff off."
"You tell them racists and calling my family names is a disgrace."
"You protected your family. They are a disgrace." ~ mcmurrml
"NTA. Ask each and every family member what they heard."
"If it's different tell them the truth. If they know, or find out and double down, make a list of everyone to block and cut contact with."
"Bonus points if you're petty and block all their numbers, and make a big Facebook post tagging everyone and go 'please don't talk to me about anyone tagged here.'"
"Don't tell them info about me."
"Don't mention me to them."
"I don't associate with racists who think it's okay to tell me that being married to my wife, a black woman, is a 'lifestyle' and refuse to respect her, me, or our kids."
"Make sure you mute them first though." ~ Sparkling_Otters
"Oh my! NTA. NTA. NTA."
"As someone who is the nonwhite person in an interracial marriage, I am so blessed to have decent in laws and a mother in law who tells me she loves me almost every morning via a 'Good morning' text lol."
"I take it for granted that we are interracial because no one in our families makes any kind of mention of it at all, at least not to our face."
"I wish this for you, but your birth family seems to suck."
"Best to you and your real family." ~ Pugs_and_Drugs4Eva
OP wanted to let us know he's listening, commenting:
"I'm so happy to hear that you have a good family and also married into a good family."
"It gives me so much hope for my children and their futures."
"I found a true family in my in-laws."
"I have my kicka** sister, and created 3 lovely little humans with the best person I know."
"All in all, my life is good."
Reddit continued...
"Ugh, yeah you are beyond NTA here."
"That behaviour, and towards children?"
"I'd not be able to go play nice either."
"My petty side would have been asking was he wanting to see me so he could confess his sins and apologise before he died."
"Because genuine apologies would be the only words I'd listen to from him." ~ LJnosywritter
"NTA. Your father chose to die a hateful, racist bigot."
"That callousness was his fault, not yours."
"As somebody else in a multi-ethnic marriage who has also disowned his racist family?"
"You've done nothing wrong."
"Just because you're related to somebody does not mean you have to tolerate their hatred or abuse."
"And that is precisely what your family is trying to do."
"So, tell them to pound sand, and continue to live your best life with your wife and kiddos."
"Also, keep being a kicka** dad and husband."
"Super proud of you for sticking to your guns, my dude." ~ kalashbash-2302
OP responded:
"Thank you so much."
"We had very little contact as it was, but now we probably won't talk at all anymore."
"Nothing more to say."
"My kids heard my dad's slurs only once, after that it was pack up and let's go."
"And we never visited them again, that was 2 years ago."
"I'm a white father of 3 black children, and while the world will often be mean to them, I sure as hell won't partake in it."
Reddit had thoughts...
"NTA. Your father decided what was important to him, so he lived a racist and died a racist."
"Seems like your mom is on a similar path."
"My condolences, I had a mean dad that died recently too, and I know it's all a very complicated trying to cope with." ~ deathwitsh
"NTA the racism needs to end with you and completely cutting racists out is how you do it."
"Even an occasional little acceptance here and there shows your kids it can be ok in very certain circumstances."
"It's very hard to do and even I myself have failed at times."
"You did the right thing when the right thing was incredibly hard to do." ~ toodifficulttodecide
OP, Reddit has your back.
And you are definitely in a rough situation.
There is no perfect way to fix this.
We hope you find peace.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp