One always wants to be there for their family when they find themselves going through a hard time.
And it's nice to think that those same family members you helped out would also be there for you if need be.
But that sadly simply isn't always the case.
Redditor JuanitaaRodriguez and his sister both found themselves going through difficult situations, which also affected how they raised their children.
But while the original poster (OP) opened up his home to his sister in an effort to help him, she did not repay his generosity.
This led to a heated situation, resulting in the OP asking his sister to move out.
But concerned he made too drastic a decision, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I the A**Hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for throwing my sister and her son out of my house?"
The OP first shared how he and his sister both recently became single parents, for different reasons, and how he made an effort to help his sister.
"I (35 M[ale]) am a single father of 3 boys (10, 7 and 3)."
"Their mother died last year due to ovarian cancer."
"It has been a rough year to say the least."
"My sister got divorced 6 months ago and temporarily moved in with me and the boys."
"She has a son, my nephew (9), who stays with us most of the time."
"My nephew and my 10 year-old (YO) are not the best of friends, but so far they got along fine apart from some teasing from both sides."
However, the OP noticed that his nephew's behavior eventually grew to a bit more than teasing.
"A few weeks ago my 10 YO started telling me that his cousin was bullying him and being mean to him."
"He called him names, pushed him around, took his video games etc..."
"I talked to my sister many times and told her to talk to her son, we talked to the boys together and things settled down."
But the lesson didn't sink in for the OP's nephew, which was sadly discovered on what should have been a somber, but joyous day for everyone present.
"Yesterday was my 3 YO's birthday, so my whole family was here and my late wife's family as well."
"It was extremely emotional for everyone, because it was the first birthday since my wife's been gone."
"The boys (10 YO and 9 YO) started fighting again and I asked them both to calm down and behave."
"My son started crying and told me his cousin teased him about him not having a mom."
"I choked up and asked my nephew if that was true, and he said yes, but that he's sorry."
"I figured I'd have a proper talk with him and my sister after the party, so I just told him what he said was really awful and he cannot say it again."
"I comforted my son and we went back to the party."
However, the OP's sister wasn't at all pleased by the exchange he had with her son, and had a few choice words for him as well.
"Before we cut the cake, my sister came yelling at me, saying I had no business disciplining her child."
"I told her to drop it and we'll talk later.
"Instead, she said 'Besides, he's right, kids need a mom'."
"I had tears in my eyes by that time and she just said 'see, it's even turning you into a pussy'."
"My in-laws were crying, I was tearing up, the kids were upset, just awful."
"I told her to stop it and just leave me and the kids and the family to cut the cake and we will talk in the evening."
"She said 'listen we both lost our spouses, but at least I'm still a normal person'."
"She stormed off."
"After the party I told her she has 2 days to pack her sh*t and leave."
"She is begging me not to throw her out, because she and her kid will be homeless."
The OP shared a few details in the comments.
"So far she hasn't started packing. If she doesn't go tomorrow, my lawyer will write her a proper eviction notice and I will wait out the 30 days."
"My boys can spend some more time at my in-laws and if there's no other option, we'll take a short trip together or something. She won't be around them anymore. Either that or I will just pay for her to stay in a f'king hotel for a month. Just to get her out."
"My nephew will go stay with his dad for now, and from what he told me on the phone, he'll be pursuing full custody. I just gave them 2 days, because the dad lives in another state and can't be here to pick the boy up in a matter of hours or something."
"My nephew's dad is a great man and I really believe he will do what's right for his kid. Her husband filed from divorce, from what he told me, she just became too much."
"The only reason she got most of the custody was because he moved out of state for a new job and she moved in with me (same town), so it was 'better for the boy's stability'."
"[I gave her 2 days] because I know my nephew's dad's schedule and I knew he wouldn't be able to come pick him up sooner than that. Also my boys went for a sleepover with my in-laws (that was already planned before this sh*tshow) and I knew they'd be out of the house."
"I can handle her, but she won't be around my boys a minute longer."
"She hasn't apologized. She hasn't spoken to me all day."
"AITA for throwing her out?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
There was no doubt in the mind of the Reddit community the OP was definitely not the a**hole for asking his sister to leave his home.
Everyone agreed the OP's sister was insensitive to his grief and completely out of line, deserving to be thrown out of the house and more.
"NTA."
"Your wife died!"
"That's significantly different from being divorced."
"Good job protecting your children from her poisonous attitude."
"And crying due to grief is hardly being a pussy, so good on you for showing your boys that." -Zeta8345.
"NTA, what the hell is she talking about? "
"Does she have no sympathy?"
"'We both lost our spouses', ma'am you CHOSE to lose yours."
"And now it sounds like she's choosing to lose her relationship with you too."
"She has no right to treat you and your children that way."
"Anyway, I'm so, so sorry for your loss, and a belated happy birthday to your son."
"Sending lots of love." - ColoredGayngels.
"NTA your kids are grieving, you're grieving, none of you need an inconsiderate and selfish relative in your home telling you how to handle your grief."
"Especially in front of your kids."
"You tried to be civil and have the necessary conversation later on, but she insisted and insulted you/your late wife with her comments."
"And if anyone calls you an a**hole for kicking them out tell them to take her in/how would they feel if she said that about their dead relative."
"Sorry for you loss, may your wife's memory be a blessing to all who loved her." -faefablelark.
"NTA."
"A boundary was not just crossed, it was nuked."
"I wouldn't want to talk to that person again, ever." -Smulch.
"NTA to the tenth power."
"I would love to know how your sister thinks a 'normal person' is supposed to react when their beloved spouse dies."
"Especially during their child's birthday, when the spouse has only been dead since last year, following a long illness."
"Trust me."
"You're reacting quite normally."
"Your sister, on the other hand, is displaying incredible ingratitude and callousness."
"I'm not a therapist, but this sounds like malignant narcissism."
"If that's normal, then you need to kick the normalcy out of your life."
"I wouldn't speak to her again for any reason."
"And the real kicker is, that even when she's facing homelessness, she still refuses to even question her own actions."
"She's not apologizing."
"She's appealing to your sense of pity."
"After the way she insulted you, I would not even consider allowing her to stay."
"If CPS is looking for relatives to take your nephew, and there's no one else, you might consider letting him stay since he apologized."
"But any visits with his mother should be done with an intermediary and off your property."
"Although given the fact that he steals from your child, that might not be advisable." -RighteousVengeance.
"NTA."
"You didn't both lose your spouses."
"Her's still exists, walking around alive."
"Absolutely not at all the same thing."
"Her pussy comment and whatnot, nope."
"She should've been way less sh*tty if she was concerned about being homeless with her child."
"Instead, she was rude and inconsiderate and judgmental and heartless."
"You and your kids do not need this extra stress and heartbreak right now."
"Kick her out and focus on healing and moving forward with your family." - MadamMarshmallows.
"You both lost your spouses?"
"In front of your in laws?"
"Almost hard to believe this is real since that is so far over the line."
"Sadly I do believe you."
"NTA."
"You would be if you kept your sister around your kids while everyone is grieving." -randolphmd.
The OP later returned to take a moment to thank everyone who took time to comment, especially those who also lost a spouse or loved one, and gave an update on where his familial situation currently stands.
"My mom agreed to take my sister in temporarily, and my nephew is still going to his dad's because now his dad is saying that there's no way he's letting my sister ruin their kid."
"I want to thank you all for your kind words and all the love and support."
"Also, to everyone who also shared about losing a loved one, I am so so sorry for your loss."
"My nephew is supposed to leave tomorrow morning, my mom is picking my sister up right around that time, and my in-laws are bringing my boys back in the evening."
"We'll have a little post-birhday thing for my little one when they come."
"Just me, the boys and my in-laws."
"Just some ice cream (he said he prefers it over cake) and a few cartoons."
"One day at a time."
Here's hoping that some time away might allow the OP's sister to reflect on her words, and maybe show more sensitivity towards her brother and nephews going forward.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp