In most Western style wedding ceremonies, rings are exchanged by the couple or—in some cases—a ring is given only to the bride.
A variation of "with this ring, I thee wed" is usually said. The officiant may also state the ring is a symbol of the couple's union or unending love.
But what happens when that symbol gets lost?
A husband whose wife lost her wedding ring turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback on his reaction.
TrickyTangle asked:
"AITA for giving my wife the silent treatment when she lost her wedding ring?"
The original poster explained:
"Yesterday night my wife lost her wedding ring. She took it off during her weekly martial arts class."
"Didn't look for it until she got home, found out the ring must have fallen out of her training bag somewhere between the gym and home. Didn't tell me she'd lost her ring, I found out from my kids instead."
"Her wedding ring has strong sentimental value to me."
"I bought us matching gold bands when we married, and each year on our anniversary I go to a jeweller and have one diamond set into the band. Number fourteen was added a few months ago."
"It's quite literally irreplaceable."
"She'd come home while I was getting dinner ready, and she went straight to have a shower."
"When my kids told me she'd lost her ring, I immediately went searching for it. Emptied the training bag, checked the car, came up empty handed."
"I didn't say anything at dinner. She didn't say anything either."
"We both went to bed without speaking."
"I woke up this morning, made the lunch boxes for our kids, got ready for work, and she got up as I was leaving and asked me if I'm upset. I said I was upset about the ring, and left."
"The ring is a thing, not a person, and therefore not as important as my wife or our relationship."
"But it's also a symbol, full of meaning, and it's infuriating to know it's gone and she didn't take better care of it, put it in her purse or somewhere more secure than rolling around loose in a gym bag."
"AITA for giving her the cold shoulder?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors weren't sympathetic to the OP and declared him the a**hole (YTA).
"YTA, as you'll hear many times here, adults don't give adults the silent treatment, they communicate. Yes, the ring is special, you can feel upset about it, but how do you know your wife doesn't also feel really bad about it?"
"Maybe she's planning on going to the gym later to look, or look in the car? You don't know because you're too busy having a sulky tantrum to talk."
"Maybe she didn't say anything because she knew you'd react this way." ~ Halatir
"My wife lost her wedding set last month. We tore the house and cars apart looking for it - still have no clue what happened to it."
"She thinks she took it off to wash her hands at work and might have left it on the sink where someone walked off with it. We'll never know."
"That weekend, I took her to our local jeweler (a small mom & pop shop) and bought a her new set."
"OP here didn't even give his wife a chance to tell him. She was in the shower (absolutely not unreasonable after a martial arts class)."
"And he's a Devil for treating her like this. I dislike ill-wishing upon others, but OP doesn't deserve to be in a relationship if he's this immature." ~ doomspark
"YTA. She went straight inside and showered instead of immediately sprinting to you at full steam to tell you?"
"Your kids told you though immediately which means as soon as she realised she was upset and it was lost she told the kids because she was upset and fretting about it. She is likely thinking it's not lost but just in her bag or might turn up."
"Maybe everyone knew how you would respond?"
"Imagine your wife passed away or divorced you? You could hang onto that ring forever and never be able to do a thing with it except look at it and wallow in misery."
"Go say sorry and help her try and find it." ~ RelativeOne8167
"I have a feeling OP's wife knew he'd be an a**hole about having lost the ring, so was keeping quiet about it in the hopes she could somehow find it before he found out."
"She hadn't even had a chance to check back where she took the class—perhaps it had been found and she could escape the drama entirely." ~ VividFiddlesticks
"...'it's also a symbol, full of meaning, and it's infuriating to know it's gone and she didn't take better care of it'."
"A symbol of what? Of a relationship where she is scared to tell you things, because she'll know you stop speaking to her when you're upset?"
"Why don't you take better care of your relationship rather than ignoring her and making her feel worse when she must already feel bad." ~ DrunkOnRedCordial
Losing wedding rings is apparently quite common, but the OP's behavior is not.
"I can't find a shred of logic or reason in intentionally damaging the actual relationship in response to (or more accurately, as a punishment for) his wife accidentally losing a symbol of it."
"Frankly, if OP is incapable of expressing his feelings and communicating like a grown up after 15 years of marriage, the loss of the wedding band seems to perfectly symbolize their relationship as it stands now." ~ thebuffaloqueen
"I've lost my wedding ring twice. The first time I had actually taken it off in my sleep and it was in the bed. I thought I had lost it at the club my spouse and I were at earlier in the night."
"We went back there and of course it wasn't there. I pulled the sheets back to get into bed and there it was right by my pillow."
"The second time, I was at an aquarium doing an 'otter encounter' which included feeding fish to an Asian Small Clawed otter. Rules said to remove all jewelry from your hands so I put all my rings ( I wear 4 including my wedding ring) in my pocket."
"When I was leaving, I had my other 3 rings in there, no wedding ring. I came back the next day and they had found it by the sink where I washed my hands, it didn't actually end up in my pocket at all."
"I was so relieved that no one had taken it or worse the otter had somehow found it and eaten it. Both times my spouse had a far cooler head about it than I did."
"No one wants to lose or have to replace a sentimental piece that is symbolic to their relationship and costs thousand(s) of dollars. But my spouse didn't have a petty a** tantrum about it." ~ Fingersmith30
"I've misplaced mine more than once. Found once in the dryer lint trap."
"I'd be crushed if he got mad without being even willing to talk about it first! Part of being married is figuring that kind of sh*t out together. She didn't lose it to get back at him or on purpose." ~ sunshineparadox_
"Yeah, I don't get why OP assumes it was just rolling loose in the gym bag—he's claiming that's part of why he's mad. Considering he's giving her the silent treatment, he actually has no idea if she had it on while exercising or not."
"And even in her purse, something could get lost. Or like you said, it happened in the shower."
"Or hell it could have got lost where the wife works. There's so many possibilities." ~ NoApollonia
"I lost my wedding ring last month. I took it off to scrub into surgery and left it in my scrub pocket."
"The hospital laundry hasn't been able to locate it. I waited 3 weeks to tell my husband because I was calling the laundry service and hospital facilities dept. 3x a day trying to track it down."
"Dude needs to give her a freaking second to attempt to find it before he treats her like garbage." ~ Mkrager
"I wonder if she even lost it. The kids told him, no mention of their age or how they would know it's lost."
"Dude got so mad about something he didn't even confirm before he's having a toddler tantrum over it."
"He checked her bag and dug through her stuff without permission, it could be in her purse or something and he wouldn't even know because he's refusing to use his words." ~ Sad-Bug6525
"There's a reason the wife didn't want to tell him she'd lost the ring. I wonder how he usually reacts to bad news."
"My late FIL lost his wedding ring two days after the wedding in the sea on honeymoon. It simply became a funny family story."
"My husband thought he'd lost his ring when shaking his hands dry in the bathroom of a Russian hotel. He was crawling around for ages searching. Again, part of family folklore."
"Because none of us value stuff more than people or relationships." ~ CriticalSimple3122
"I know more than one person who has lost their wedding ring. Both relatively soon after the wedding."
"They felt terrible without their respective partners giving them the silent treatment. Mistakes happen."
"This is an expensive mistake but not something done out of spite. OP should apologize for the silent treatment just like his wife apologized for losing the ring." ~ pnutbuttercups56
"My mom lost her wedding ring. You know what my dad did? He got her a new one."
"'It's quite literally irreplaceable'."
"It quite literally isn't, my dude. It's a ring."
"And why is it that you don't seem to have considered that someone might've stolen it from your wife's bag?" ~ millihelen
"It's 100% replaceable. Wedding bands with little diamonds around the whole band are literally everywhere."
"Guy wants to throw the entire marriage out over a lost ring. Good for him. She deserves better." ~ shenaystays
People felt the OP's behavior was inappropriate and unjustified.
"Such a d*ck, use your words like a grown up." ~ NecessaryCaptain3656
"I've said it before and I'll say it again."
"When you make the decision to 'punish' your partner, like they're a child or a pet, you've just proven that you don't respect them, and you may as well break up."
"If you can't communicate without resorting to this messed-up dynamic, your relationship is dead in the water." ~ GaimanitePkat
The OP provided no responses or updates after being declared the a**hole by Reddit.
Hopefully he decided to speak to his wife about how he's feeling as his original reaction was universally condemned by outside parties.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.