Every family is different and has their own ways of expressing emotion, showing love, and more.
Sometimes when two families come together, things can get awkward if the families are too different, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor SeaContexts, for example, was surprised when his wife came to him, concerned about how intimately he interacted with his sister during their wedding reception.
Because the Original Poster (OP) didn't see any issue with how he'd treated his sister, he was quick to dismiss his new wife's concerns.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH? My wife wants me to return my sister's wedding gift because she thought our sibling dance at our wedding was too intimate."
The OP was newly married and fond of how it was going so far.
"My wife (26 Female) and I (28 Male) got married a couple of months ago. The wedding was amazing, and we also went on an amazing honeymoon."
"Everything went great, and we have settled into our nice married life."
That was until the OP's wife approached him about some concerns she had.
"However, last night, my wife wanted to talk about something serious. We don't shy away from expressing our emotions and insecurities to each other."
"She brought up our wedding and she talked about how my sibling dance with my sister (26 Female) was too intimate."
"I first thought my wife was joking, but I quickly realized she was serious. I asked her if anyone else at the wedding thought that, and she said no, but because everyone was too scared to say it."
"I told her that's a straight-up lie and argued that I have close friends who would have said something if there was a problem, but they didn't."
"Everyone had a good time at the wedding, and nothing seemed out of the ordinary."
The OP felt the sibling dance made total sense at his wedding.
"The sibling dance was actually the 'mother-son dance' part of the wedding, but our mother passed away, so I danced with my sister instead."
"My sister picked all of the songs. She is really articulate with everything she does, and she had a reason for every song she picked."
"I don't remember a lot of the details now, but the songs from our wedding were all slow-dancing, and two of the songs my sister picked were 'At Last' by Etta James and 'All of Me' by John Legend."
"She picked 'At Last,' because that song was played at our parents' wedding. I'm not sure why she picked 'All of Me,' other than the fact that we both really like the song, but I'm sure she had a detailed reason for it and all of the other songs we danced to together."
"My sister and I have never really shied away from affection. We know some siblings get awkward with that, but we're the opposite of that. This was as true on my wedding day as any other day in my life."
But the OP's wife was still feeling uncomfortable.
"My wife then asked if we could give my sister's wedding gift back to her as we haven't used it yet."
"It's a La Marzocco GS3 espresso machine, which is by far the most expensive gift we have gotten out of all the gifts."
"My wife said the gift just made her feel insecure."
The OP dismissed her.
"I told my wife she was being incompletely irrational, and that's the most ridiculous thing she has ever said."
"I was probably a bit crude with my words, but I just thought the whole thing was ridiculous."
"She then dropped the topic and we carried on like normal. We also used the espresso machine for the first time today, and it's pretty amazing."
"Was I an AH for telling my wife she was being ridiculous?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Many were deeply weirded out by the song choices and the sheer quantity of them.
"Multiple slow dances with your sister IS weird. Full Stop." - AsparagusOverall8454
"It sounds like your wife is right based on the songs you danced with your sister to. Why was there more than one? Why did you slow dance with your sister to what are obviously very intimate songs traditionally used as bride and groom songs?"
"It sounds to me like your wife is right, but you and your sister just haven't realized how inappropriate it is (hopefully yet)." - ghjkl098
"First of all, a sibling dance is not a common tradition. I see in your comments that your mother passed away, so I guess that's the reason you chose to have a dance with your sister as kind of a tribute to your mother? That's fine, but FYI, mother-son dances are usually one song."
"So YTA for allowing your sister to select multiple romantic songs that must have gone on for 15 minutes or more while you held each other in a not-so-sibling-like embrace. I think your wife is right that the other guests would be too embarrassed to even bring it up to your face, but trust me, they are probably talking about it behind your back."
"Maybe your sister is struggling with 'losing' you to your wife when she has already lost a mother? I don't know, but her need for so much attention from you at your wedding is definitely odd."
"Putting the ick factor aside, the wedding was supposed to be about you and your wife, not you and your sister. So you really should not have allowed your sister to take such a big chunk of the event for your multiple sibling dances."
"Keep the coffee machine, but don't dismiss your wife's observations and feelings about this." - Used_Mark_7911
"After seeing the songs and seeing that it was multiple love songs that are common to be first dances for the couple I'm like, uhh... I get why the wife felt uncomfortable."
"Like, how many love song dances did she get with you compared to your sister? I just picture her sitting down with a drink waiting for your (strange, but okay) sibling dance to be over, but then it turns into two, three, four songs... or more... while you hold your sister close and let your wife sit on the sidelines."
"I don't know, man, it is weird. Is she a twin or something, OP, or are you guys just grossly codependent? I'm trying to understand why you would even want to have multiple love song dances with your sister in the first place."
"Also, was this a situation where everyone was sitting as you two danced, or was everyone else dancing? I don't know, I get the ick reading this, bro, just... I don't know." - Cosmo_Cloudy
While some thought there was a time and place for a sibling dance, they said this wasn't it.
"I've seen it once when the father of the bride passed away and she did it with her older brother who was about 10 years older than her. She hugged him tight the entire time but no one found it weird, just a big brother being there for his sister for what was probably a hard moment." - Decent-Trip-1776
"I could see it happening and not be weird. Reason: My family TALKS. There ain't no slow and silent nothing."
"If there's some flavor of slow dance, and somehow family is the dance partner, we basically chat the entire time. That drove my nephew's wife nuts on their wedding night. Lol (laughing out loud)." - TheScalemanCometh
"Yeah, the song choice is what threw me off. I am very close with my siblings, so the thought of a siblings dance is honestly so sweet, especially if they aren't close with their parents."
"But you would think that the song choice would be something less romantic. Can't get anymore romantic than 'At Last,' lol (laughing out loud), like, yeah, that makes it weird."
"Also, multiple dances? Like, I figured the dance would be like how it is when the bride dances with her dad. But this… I don't know, man." - ohsheetitscici
"I'm not sure why anyone would think it as normal or okay to slow dance with their sister, especially to these songs. Especially at her or my wedding. Especially in front of my wife or her husband. The OP is definitely the AH." - TheCosmicFailure
"Considering the song choices, it's definitely creepy. Not that I would, but if I had a brother and sister dance at my wedding, I'd purposefully pick something funny or a song that would evoke something funny."
"I can't remember the song but my dad has an old recording of me and my sister 'dancing' to a Depeche Mode song (can't remember which one), but we basically just ran around the living room in a circle. That would be hilarious for my parents and me and my sister and also isn't almost incestuously creepy."
"I'd probably ask my sister if we can just recreate that old recording and run around the dance floor in circles again. That is if the thought of doing that as an adult didn't make me cringe a lot."
"Look at me, putting more thought into what metaphorical song I'd dance to with my siblings than the OP did for his wedding day." - Sibeo91
Others made jokes about the coffee machine amidst the absurdity.
"They should just marry the sister and then they can keep the present. That's the simplest solution where they keep a wife and the present. No embarrassment about giving the gift back. Problem solved." - m_0_rt
"Yeah I don't know, you've been close with your sibling your entire life, and your new wife is making it weird? I'm sorry, but it sounds like a wife issue to me. Keep the coffee maker." - CrossXFir3
"Big YTA. Enjoy thinking of your sister every time you use your expensive espresso machine." - giveme25atleast
"This whole post feels like a rage bait ad for the coffee machine." - In_The_Cloud
"It would be insulting for you to return the gift to your sister, but it's also not worth causing a rift with your new wife."
"The right thing to do is to give me the Marzocco. That's a nice machine!" - Libs4trump
Not only was the subReddit creeped out by what they had just read, but they were even more creeped out by the fact that the OP could not see what the issue here was and couldn't see where his wife was coming from at all.
One song would have been fine, to honor their sibling relationship and the memory of their mother, but a far different song should have been chosen.
Plus, the fact that the OP could only remember two songs suggested that there were far more sibling dances that night and not nearly enough newlywed highlights.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp