Asking your teen to watch the younger kids can seem like a no-brainer. They're easily available, and know the kids well enough to provide supervision.
However, Redditor Humble_Kitchen_4282 has her own concerns about using her teenage daughter for free labor. This has led the original poster (OP) to fight with her husband over the situation.
OP isn't sure if she is right and decided to ask the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit about what's going on in her family.
But it all boils down to a simple question.
"AITA for wanting a baby sitter?"
What brought up this situation?
"So I 40 F have 3 children. One 'Kate' 17 f(emale) from a previous marriage and twins 7 m(ale) and f with my new husband 'Ben'."
"Me and Ben both work long hours but we managed to make it work. I work from 7-3 and Ben works from 9-5 Monday to Friday."
"Because of this Ben is in charge of the kids in the morning and I get the kids on my way home and take care of them until he gets home. Everything after is split 50/50."
"I recently got a promotion at work I accepted because it was good pay however I had to work more hours. Two of those hours make me go over the school day so on two days of the week I won't be available to pick up the kids and no adult will be home for an hour and a half."
"I told Ben about the promotion and time change and he was happy for me and excited about my pay rise. I started to look for a babysitter for the kids for those three hours."
"Once I found quite a few who seemed like a good fit I went to Ben to see what he thought."
"He gave me a strange look and asked why we needed a babysitter. I reminded him of the time changes and he said to just get Kate to look after them."
"I said that was out of the question and we're not making Kate have that responsibility. He said that Kate liked to babysit and I said on the one off not something that she would have to work her whole schedule around."
"He then said that it would be a waste of money for a babysitter and we can use that money for fun activities for them and that I wasn't thinking about the bigger picture. He repeated that Kate loved babysitting and that it would be a great bonding time for them."
"I disagree and and said there was absolutely no way I was allowing this and that he should start looking for a babysitter."
"I thought I was doing the right thing but during the week he kept making jabs at me for example I suggested that we go somewhere expensive as a congrats dinner/date for us and he said that's a great Idea too bad we can't afford it. He also pointed out a few expensive things and made similar remarks."
"This made me doubt myself abit so I went to my friend. She agreed with him on the part about saving up for something bigger and suggested all the things we could do on holiday instead. So now I'm feeling confused."
OP is worried that having her daughter do this will interfere in her own plans and seeing friends. OP's husband is focused on being able to use the extra money to save up for family events and trips.
Is it worth it to just have Kate babysit?
On Reddit, the users of the board judged OP for insisting on getting a babysitter instead of having her daughter babysit by including one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
There's a lot to be said about forcing the responsibility of raising a child on to another child. It can be emotionally damaging when that situation is forced on someone not ready for it.
OP is doing her best to protect her daughter, and if they can afford it, why not get a babysitter instead?
The commenters agreed that OP was NTA for insisting on a babysitter.
"NTA. Kate is not a live in babysitter. And what if she has after school activities? Thank you for not parentifying your oldest." - sickofdriving007
"You have her needs in mind. Good job Mom! 👏" - lifewithmyfurbabies
"NTA. Your daughter is NOT free labor, and it's incredibly selfish of your husband to consider her as such."
"If he wants her to be the baby sitter, and she's free, fine, but she should be getting paid for her time."
"Your husband is being a HUGE AH in how he's handling this. Again, there's nothing wrong with asking your daughter if she wants to make some money doing the baby sitting, but treating her as a free nanny is not."
"At best he's treating her like a 3rd parental unit, which also isn't okay." - SlammyWhammies
"Hi, I was Kate when I was high school in that I was mature, loved babysitting, and if I took care of my brother every single day it meant my mom would give me a car so I could drive him to his sports teams and stuff."
"Which meant I never, ever got to hang out with friends after school, I didn't get to do my own sports teams, and I was essentially working an unpaid part time job on top of school and homework."
"I regret not saying no (I don't know if I really had an option, but still). I regret not having friends and missing out on so much."
"Please go with your gut and protect your daughter's childhood (even though I'm sure she thinks she's practically grown up). If your husband thinks it's not a big deal, he can be the one to be backup care whenever Kate wants to go to a friend's house or has band practice."
"ETA: NTA" - idek7654321
"NTA. You're doing the right thing and your daughter will appreciate it! She's not a parent."
"Doing free childcare is not her responsibility and if you force her to do that she will resent it. Explain parentification to your husband and stand your ground" - inliinwy
"You are 10000% doing the right thing by not allowing your oldest to be parentified Its one thing to ask kate how she feels about picking up the slack sometimes, its something else entirely to just expect and force her to do it."
"NTA and good on ya!!" - Tiffany_Case
However, there is another aspect to all of this. The opinions of both OP and Ben are missing the input from the most important person.
What does Kate think?
If she genuinely wants to watch the kids, then it becomes her choice. If she doesn't, then OP made the right call.
But it's all meaningless without trying to ask her.
"NTA. The twins are your children and your responsibilities, not Kate's. Speaking as the older sister of twins, being expected to babysit every week sucked."
"It wasn't a bonding experience, it caused resentment (we all get along great now). As a mom now, that's the last thing I would expect my eldest to do."
"Have you guys had a conversation with Kate? Maybe she wouldn't mind but if she's at all hesitant, I wouldn't make her." - vtchicky
"No not yet because I was completely against the idea" - Humble_Kitchen_4282 (OP)
"NTA. You're doing the right thing. However, maybe you can offer Kate the money you would be paying a babysitter and see if she would like the extra income."
"But she shouldn't be expected to babysit on a regular schedule for free, especially if you have the disposable income to spend on childcare" - SolutionLeading
"Kate has a job she doesn't work alot but she does have her own extra income."
"I mean maybe she would like more but she works in a cafe and taking care of two 7 years olds is alot different especially without experience or an adult around." - Humble_Kitchen_4282 (OP)
"Did either of you bother to ask Kate what she thought of any of this? Or are you both just assuming you know her better than she knows herself?"
"Cuz this whole point is kinda pointless without knowing what she thinks about it." - Wolf-Pack85
"No neither of us did but I do recognize that I was speaking on her behalf so I'll ask her" - Humble_Kitchen_4282
OP eventually realized that she should get input from the most important opinion on the matter.
"Edit: this keeps coming up in the comments. No one has talked to Kate yet."
"I recognized that that was a fault on my behalf and will be talking to her tomorrow as she's at a sleepover."
So long as Kate doesn't feel pressured into the situation, this should turn out fine. Still, even if she says yes, her parents should be willing to pay her for the service.
And most importantly, be prepared to still get a backup sitter if Kate decides she can't do it.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp