Learning a new language can be a very exciting prospect for many.
For others, their plate is already full.
So taking on that challenge isn't a priority.
But what if certain language is an integral part of life?
Case in point...
Redditor Pretend_Dragonfly_68 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for not translating for my wife when she hasn't put any effort into learning sign language?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My (33 M[ale]) father is deaf."
"Because of this, I’ve been signing for as long as I can remember."
"My wife (33 F[emale]) is hearing and has never put much effort into learning A[merican] S[ign] L[anguage] beyond a few basic signs."
"This has never bothered me."
"But it does make it difficult when we visit my family since I basically have to play translator if she and my dad want to have conversations."
"But I do it to facilitate a bond between them."
"About two months ago, I learned of an opportunity at the local college in our city where volunteer native speakers could come converse with the students in the advanced ASL courses."
"It was going to be a monthly thing in order to track the student's progress."
"I jumped at the chance to help out."
"I’m very passionate about people learning ASL."
"One of the other volunteers there was a non verbal man, Alex (29 M), who I found an easy comradery with."
"We exchanged numbers and became fast friends."
"We began hanging out and during the time we would spend at my place, I wouldn’t translate even if my wife was in the room (other than their introductions and small talk) because Alex never requested I do so."
"After a few weeks of this, my wife brought it up as something that was bothering her."
"She said she felt left out and like Alex and I were 'keeping secrets.'"
"I politely apologized and went on to have a discussion with Alex about this whole thing."
"He said he felt it was rude that my wife never even so much as made an effort to learn ASL, especially since I had very close family who were deaf, so he had no interest in conversing with her."
"And honestly, I kind of agreed with him."
"It didn’t rub me the wrong way at first, but now that she’s complaining about being left out despite having years to learn at least some of this new language feels silly to me."
"I let my wife know I would still translate for my dad and her, but things were staying the same with Alex."
"She’s still angry at me."
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole... for the most part.
"NTA - Purely because she’s made no effort at all to communicate with your father and she’s spent however many years excluding him from everything unless you are there to translate." ~ Sloppypoopypoppy
"Agreed. This is so rude it’s unbelievable."
"Inexcusable for someone being the only member of a family to make no effort after years."
"Just rude. And NTA." ~ Bitter_Grocery_4935
"He is NTA but I do take exception to your comment."
"I'm white and have never had an ASL in my family or friend group."
"But I have learned some basic sign language and have taught my 3-year-old so when he starts school if he meets someone that is deaf he can talk to them."
"I took German and I say different things to him in German."
"I also bought him a Spanish-to-English book that translates animals, sentences, and numbers." ~ Stacy3536
"That was a swing and a miss because those two situations are VERY different."
"The first reply has it right; it’s not a matter of wanting to keep secrets."
"Because if his wife has been around someone who needs ASL to communicate for years and she hasn’t made the effort to learn basic signs for that."
"Then OP has every right to deny playing translator even more than he already has to. NTA." ~ Hgg1127
"Soft YTA. If I had a deaf child, I would 100% learn sign language."
"But for a parent-in-law, I don't think I would."
"It's not that easy for an adult to learn a language, you don't just take a few lessons, it's a years-long process."
"Even if she started now it would be at least 5 years before she could even manage a basic conversation."
"You need to keep encouraging her to learn but keep translating until she does." ~ amylouise0185
"Hard agree. I don’t understand how this thread isn’t the top one."
"He expects her to give up her hobbies, her self-care time to learn a new language just because she wanted to be included in some small talk in her own home."
"Get outta here with your friend."
"As a whole, should society do better to accommodate and include those who communicate using ASL? Absolutely!"
"Advocate for ASL to be taught in schools from a young age."
"OP is so focused on his wife’s privilege of being able to speak, he’s ignoring his own privilege of being raised bilingual."
"It is so much harder to learn a new language as an adult."
"Our brains don’t absorb information as adults as quickly as they do as children."
"Combine that with limited time and if you don’t have a knack for picking up languages, it could be very difficult and overwhelming for some."
"OP’s wife has learned some phrases."
"He even admits in the comments that he never expected her to learn so how could she know?"
"Also, how does he expect her to learn?"
"Is he going to give up his time and hobbies to teach her?"
"I bet if he had approached his wife about how upon some reflection, it would be important to him for her to try to learn ASL, she would have been open to it."
"After how he treated her with his friend?"
"I know I would barely want to speak to him, never mind his a-hole friend who had the nerve to disrespect me in my own home."
"YTA, OP. I understand being angry at how we as a whole treat ASL speakers."
"but misplacing your frustrations and putting them on your wife is not going to go well for you." ~ Calico-Kats
"He said in another comment she works full time and has hobbies of her own and that he never expected her to learn until this Alex guy came in the picture."
"Absolutely ridiculous."
"I have in-laws who don't speak English that I maybe see every 6 months to a year."
"Should I drop everything to learn theirs? C'mon now."
"And how does he know she wouldn't if he said 'Hey, this would really mean a lot to me.'" ~ ffsmutluv
"I agree with part of this (learning for a parent-in-law) but the crux of their argument actually seems to be that she doesn’t understand seemingly a part of deaf culture."
"If someone does not explicitly ask to be translated then you don’t just automatically do it."
"You have to respect the 'speaker.'"
"If she was making an effort to communicate and befriend Alex that would be one thing but it is moreso coming from a place of insecurity and plain nosiness/control." ~ wdtgg
"Learning languages can be harder for some people than others."
"If your wife AHS made true efforts to learn and just struggles with it, then I'd maybe rule differently but it sounds like she's never really tried to learn."
"That plus the fact that Alex did not want to include her via interpretation means you're NTA." ~ mxcrnt2
"NTA: As a Deaf woman, I'm tired of constantly accommodating hearing people."
"She can attempt to make an effort especially if they're married to you."
"Sign language is not strictly a language as you and I both know, it's a cultural thing and even basic ABC or how you're doing is enough."
"She could build up her receptive skills by watching the conversation" ~ Clear-Map8121
"I mean, it would be nice if she could learn some ASL to speak with your dad, but enough to actually hold a conversation would be a lot to learn."
"Doubt she wants to constantly ask him what his name is, how old he is, where is the bathroom, etc."
"The stuff you learn initially."
"Signing is very hard if you are not good at languages."
"I mean, I barely talk to my F[ather] I[n] L[aw] at all and I definitely would not bother to learn it for him."
"He also did not bother to be there for my husband as a kid, so understandably I don't really care for him anyway."
"But anyway, it is not really fair for a new friend of yours to judge your wife like that."
"Yes, I think she should try to learn some signs, but again, she would have to spend a really long time learning in order to actually be able to hold even a child's conversation with your dad." ~ Corduroycat1
OP came back for a bit...
"I addressed this in a comment but I saw it as a recurring question and someone suggested I put it in an edit as well -- we usually visit my dad every other weekend."
Well OP, Reddit has several ideas on this matter.
For the most part, everyone agrees with you, but there may be some other angles to work this through.
Hopefully, you and the Mrs can have a serious, calm sit down.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp