Maintaining a good relationship with one’s roommates can be a difficult task.
Especially if your roommates are your family.
While living with family might seem like an ideal roommate situation, little things like picking up after yourself, keeping common areas tidy, and pulling your weight with chores and finances could result in even bigger frustrations than normal.
Redditor Throwaway1-225 shared an apartment with their twin brother and their cousins, and it seemed they had a fine arrangement to begin with.
Until one of her cousins accused the original poster (OP) of disrespecting the same religion they all practice, leading to some ongoing tension.
Reflecting on her decisions that led to this, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for having non-kosher food being delivered to my apartment.”
The OP first shared how her current living situation came to be, as well as the particulars of the arrangement.
“Backstory: I (22 F[emale]) share a 3 bedroom 1.5 bathroom apartment in NYC (owned by our grandfather) with three other family members.”
“My twin (22 M[ale]) Who we will call S, my cousin (21M) who we will call A, and my other cousin (19 M) who we will call L.”
“We divided the rent and housework in a way that we agree on.”
“Since I am in a better financial situation than the three of them, I pay approximately 55% of the maintenance and utilities for the apartment.”
“Maintenance is $2000 so i pay $1100 in maintenance plus all other costs.”
“I also have the master bedroom (largest with best views and half bathroom).”
“I also do 90% of the cooking.”
“Since S and A are really close, they share the second largest room in the apartment while L gets the smallest (9×10) to himself.”
The OP then shared that while she, her twin and cousins were all brought up practicing the same religion, over time each of their commitments to it began to differ, and that she made an agreement to keep the living situation harmonious.
“We grew up Jewish.”
“S and I weren’t raised as religious as A and L were.”
“For instance, we only kept kosher in our kitchen.”
“S has become more religious since then and will only eat kosher.”
“So, A, S, and L all keep pretty strict kosher.”
“When me, A and S decided to live together (we were 18 and 19 at the time. L moved in a few months ago), the both told me that the kitchen and dining room would need to be kosher in order to live there.”
“I was completely fine with that if I was able to eat non-kosher in my own room with disposable utensils.”
“They told me that they were fine with that if I disposed of it properly and only ate it in my room.”
“I only cook kosher meals for us in the kitchen.” I will occasionally order non kosher fast food for takeout and have it in my room.”
However, one recent episode resulted in a fairly serious accusation from one of the OP’s cousins.
“Recently, there was a problem.”
“For the first time, I decided to order fast food to the apartment.”
“When the food came, L opened the door, gave me the food and then yelled at me for ‘disrespecting his religious beliefs’ and for ‘making the house non kosher’.”
“A and S said there was no problem with it if I was going to eat it in my room with my own disposable utensils.”
“L still insisted that I was being unfair.”
“He also we g as far as to say that it ‘was unfair that I got the master bedroom because he moved in after everyone else’.”
“I then reminded him that I pay the majority of the rent and do almost all of the cooking.”
“He won’t talk to me now.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was not at all the a**hole for ordering non-kosher takeout.
Everyone agreed that the OP had every right to eat whatever she chooses in her own room, particularly as she contributes more than anyone else to the apartment’s finances, and that L’s behavior was completely uncalled for.
“NTA L is being preposterous.”
“You’re not making him eat it, you’re not eating it in the common areas, and you pay rent to live there so you have the same rights to eat what you want as everyone else.”-Aunty_Fascist.
“Sounds like L has moved in and expected everything to go their way.”
“Sorry, not sorry!”
“Your agreement with the others was working and they weren’t bothered by it at all.”
“If L doesn’t like it, he can pack up and go.”- Boredpanda31.
As far as I can see, you’re adhering to all the terms set by your non kosher agreement and paying more money to boot.”
“Perhaps it’s time to let the three of them stay together and get your own studio or rent with friends without these particular customs?”
“I suspect that L doesn’t like your sense of freedom from the religious traditions that even your twin has conformed to?”
“Maybe he thought that you would take on a stricter course by now and he’s more annoyed that you aren’t?”-moew4974.
“You’re paying over half the costs and are living by their rules?”
“How do you spell chutzpah?”-Individual_Ad_9213.
“NTA but by the first paragraph I could already see a train wreck about to happen.”
“Anytime there is such a difference in or incompatible lifestyles mixing in roommates there is bound to be an argument like this eventually.”-Jaguars02.
“He had a temper tantrum, did not get his way and then tried to try find a fight another way by bringing up room space that has probably been bothering him.”
“If he is the uncomfortable with what he agreed to when he moved in on how everything works then discuss your issues with your brother and other cousin and then him know what his options are.”
“But if someone decides to ignore me because they are sulking after a temper tantrum they threw when they did not get their way I definitely would not be cooking for them.”- MersWhaawhaa.
I keep strictly kosher, have been observant my whole life.”
“Yes, if the table or kitchen is officially kosher it’s annoying if someone brings in something not kosher.”
“For those who are not familiar with Jewish practices, cooking utensils and appliances (pots, pans, oven toaster etc) can become considered ‘non kosher’ if they are used for non kosher items.”
“TECHNICALLY, you have to COOK in order to violate the kosher standards but for all intents and purposes you would end up kashering it again regardless.”
“A self cleaning oven is fine, just run your self clean cycle and you’re good to go.”
“Simply bringing in non kosher food doesn’t make anything else non kosher just by its presence.”
“And kosher food, especially takeout, is a LOT more expensive.”-YeaRight228.
“I’m technically not Jewish myself.”
“My grandfather married a non-Jew back in the day and my family’s been agnostic ever since.”
“However, I was a live-in nanny for a Jewish family for over a year and so long as I used the separate pots, pans, cutting boards, utensils etc. that they set aside for me, not even cooking my non-kosher food in their kitchen was ever an issue.”
“The only thing they were super firm on was no pork products, which was easy enough to avoid.”
“So you ordering your own food that never touched the kitchen and that you eat in your own room is an issue, because someone else doesn’t agree with it?”
“Although that living-situation is asking for trouble long-term and in general if basic mutual respect isn’t given.”-rpfuntimes86.
“NTA but I don’t understand why you do 90% of the cooking.”
“If keeping kosher is so important to them they should do more.”- ComprehensiveBand586.
“If it is okay to eat non-kosher food in your bedroom, how does he think it is going to get there?”
“Seems he unilaterally changed the rules.”
“And if you just carry it through the common areas, I don’t see how that is ‘contaminating’ them if it touches nothing.”-Ducky818.
“I’ll leave aside who does what in the apartment and pays for what because I think it’s superfluous.
“My sense is you’re providing this context as a justification that if they want the house to be shomer kashrus they need to contribute equally and I’m not sure that’s fair.”
“But basically you all decided when moving in with one another that the only the kitchen is shomer kashrus, and until those rules are revisited, having treyf food in your bedroom is perfectly permissible since your roommates all okayed it advance.”
“It seems the only reason that he had issues this time around is he had to touch the bag?”
“But also it sounds like, based on his comment, that he doesn’t want it in the house at all?”
“But if it’s just touching a bag issue, maybe just ensure that the food is delivered contactless so you can pick it up yourself.”
“Though I’m not admittedly an expert, I don’t know any rule about prohibiting touching treyf food or rather touching a bag which has treyf food in it but rather keeping treyf food out of the household is meant to prevent one from being tempted to eat it.”-mcmah088.
It seems like L might not have been so upset about the non-kosher delivery if he was sleeping in the master bedroom.
Here’s hoping that the situation is resolved, and this doesn’t cause further tension within the family.