A woman agreed to do a huge favor for her sister and brother-in-law (BIL) by carrying their child for free, and she was more than happy to do so.
Little did Redditor ThrowRA_927 know that her act of kindness would come at a huge cost in the form of stress due to a set of restrictions that were imposed by her sister and BIL.
After an incident that was perceived as a major violation of one of the guidelines, she was accused of being “disgusting” and “wicked.”
The resulting strain led her to the Relationship Advice subReddit, where she aired her grievances in a post titled:
“My sister and bil [brother-in-law] won’t let me kiss my bf”
The Original Poster (OP) began her post by describing a more jovial time.
“I (30 f[emale]) have agreed to carry my sister’s(42 f[emale]) baby for her as she is unable herself and lacks the financial resources to pay a surrogate. I am happy to do this or at least I was.”
“I am 6 months along at the moment and I met a lovely man recently and we are in the early stages of a relationship. He knows about my situation and is very accepting and considerate.”
“Before agreeing to carry their baby we had some firm rules placed. They asked me to stay away from any sexual contact with men. I agreed and I really didn’t mind nor do I mind it right now. The agreement was no sex of any kind.”
“And I have not done anything with anyone as was agreed.”
“A few days ago I introduced my new bf to my sister and bil and at first everything was great. They invited us for dinner last Saturday, we had a great meal and a great time together, they all seemed to get along that is until he had to leave.”
“When my bf had said his goodbyes to my sister and bil he then came over to me and hugged and kissed me, quite passionately but not in a vulgar way nor was it for a long period, literally seconds.”
“As soon as he left my sister and bil jumped down my throat talking about how I broke the rules, how disgusting and wicked I am. I genuinely was shocked I had not expected such a blow out or their irrational behaviour/feelings towards me literally just getting a kiss.”
“I decided not to argue or even go in conversation with them and just walked home. I live about 30 minutes walk away and by the time I got back home I had an email waiting for me. The email contained our original agreement but now it included a section with ‘No kissing of any kind’ and they want me to sign the new agreement.”
“I don’t want to as I have been more than accommodating and considerate of all their original request. I feel like they are now crossing boundaries and acting as if I am some kind of farm animal they own and control. I don’t want to create any further animosity between us.”
“They have been calling and texting me since then and I have yet to answer. I would like to reply back via email so that there can be no confusion and to create some separation.”
“Any advice on what to write would be great! So how do I reply back to their email without being rude? Or how do I deal with them in general?”
The OP added further details after Redditors had specific questions.
“They did offer to drive me home but I declined as I enjoy walking and at the time it is my only way to comfortably exercise.”
“The baby is biological my sisters and bil. This child is made from her last and only viable egg. They had tried many times before but they all failed. So I understood their anxiety and worry when we originally made the first agreement and I viewed it and still view their initial request as acceptable.”
“I wasn’t in a relationship at the beginning of all this and they were worried about potential STI and I understood and I was already taking a break from sex and men at the time. I am doing this completely for free and without any reward other then helping my sister have her first and only biological child.”
“I live in the Marshall Islands and we have ZERO [virus cases] and so their worry wasn’t coming from fear of me/baby contracting it. They are paying for all medical expenses and any expenses that come with the pregnancy.”
“They just aren’t paying me as a surrogate. The cost for surrogate here can vary from $50000 and $120000.”
Strangers on the internet weighed in with their response to the OP’s situation.
“90% chance it’s because they feel it’s icky or ‘I don’t want some stranger’s d*ck touching my unborn baby!’ Madness.” – Kushthulu_the_Dank
“I wonder if they mistakenly think the baby can somehow not be theirs if she has sex during her pregnancy.”
“I think there’s a tiny chance that a woman could release more than one egg and have twins, each by different men, for example, but at 6 months along I don’t think that’s possible anymore. I could be wrong.”
“Or maybe they’re worried she’ll pick up a sexually transmitted illness that could harm the baby, or [the virus], I suppose.” – Inspector_Gadgeteer
Many Redditors suggested the OP negotiate with the couple and ask for compensation in exchange for sacrificing certain freedoms.
“They’re crazy. That’s literally insane. You’re already giving up a sex life for nine months and going through the hardships of pregnancy. Set your boundaries girl.” – repressedpomegranate
“She should get paid a sh*ttton for this, but unfortunately i suspect they just convinced her that she neeeds to do it.”
“OP should send the modified contract back with a new clause ‘OP will get paid 40 000 dollars when the pregnancy ends’ or smth, then its probably worth not kissing for the next months lol.”
“update: oof poor op is ruining her body for a thank you and I wouldnt be surprised if she is scammed out of that even.” – Jarazz
“Exactly this. If they’re going to treat her as their employee 24/7 for the next three months, she should be compensated accordingly.” – placewithnomemory
“Send an amended contract back to her saying that you will cease any kissing and that the bio parents will pay you 40,000$.”
“Tell them it’s all or nothing if they want to modify the contact- they can agree to the no kissing plus paying 40,000$ or they can stick to the original contact.” – bippityboppityFyou
Questions were raised about the consequences for engaging in amorous gestures.
“What are they gonna do though? Arrest her for kissing a guy? Fine her? Not let her see the kids SHE carried? (Although that did seem likely with how controlling sis and bil are being)”
“Even if she broke the contact and had sex (which wouldn’t harm the baby)- what’s the legal ramification of this? Like… what judge would hold up the terms of this contract, and to what end?”
“This contract doesn’t sound like its on solid legal ground- more like mutually agreed upon guidelines.”
“Basically- no legal contract can dictate someone’s sexual behavior (unless you’re gonna do a porn shoot.) It might be one of those fake dumb ‘legal contracts’ in BDSM (like 50 shades- which is a HORRIBLE representation of the bdsm community) where the idiots creating it thinks it carries legal weight when it doesn’t…. sorry… im just stuck on the bio parents feeling entitled to dictate OPs sex life.”
“Even though OP agreed- I doubt this contract has any weight behind it. Its ridiculous, by a reasonable person standard, to restrict the sex life of a surrogate just because the bio parents think its icky- especially as the surrogate is carrying for free out of love for her family.”
“Good luck, OP. This situation is crazy.”
“Edit: I don’t think any contract can legally control your levels of sexual consent.” – MishaRenard
“They shouldn’t have asked her to carry her baby if they couldn’t even afford a surrogate. That was issue #1.”
“How are they going to afford to care for a whole-a** child???” – mister_clyde
In an update, the OP shared what her written response was to her sister.
“I’ve decided to send this as a response.”
“Dear ‘sister and brother in law,’ I am truly shocked and saddened by your reaction to my partner kissing me and with your continued behaviour.”
“I’d like to remind you that I am a human being, an adult and your family. I am honoured to carry your child, and to help you as best I can, however, I insist on being treated as a person and not an incubator.”
“I can understand both of your worries and irrational thoughts as this is your last attempt for a biological child. I truly empathise with you and want you to have your beautiful family. This is why I’ve agreed to do this completely for free with the restrictions that we’ve originally agreed to and set.”
“I have been nothing less than compliant and considerate of all your request. I have upheld my side of the agreement. I have kept my word and upheld my responsibilities towards the baby and yourselves.”
“However instead of being beyond grateful you two have decided to stop respecting me, so much so that you now feel your in a position to make any demands of me. Instead of treating me as the kind and very generous sister I am being.”
“I love you and I love the baby I am carrying for you. I would never, ever, do anything to harm the baby or cause any disruption to a healthy, successful pregnancy and birth.”
“I will therefore, under no circumstances, sign the new agreement as I do not agree with it.”
“However I do demand you both take a step back and try to look at this all rationally. I fully understand your anxiety around the baby, given the struggles you’ve faced. I feel for you greatly but that does not mean you two get to treat me in this manner.”
“The stress and distress that you two are causing me is far more damaging to the baby than any kissing between my partner and I.”
“Again I ask you to rethink what you’re doing and if you are not capable I will have to start distancing myself from the both of you until after the birth of your child.”
“Lovingly, Your sister.”
Hopefully, the sister and BIL got the message loud and clear.