Sometimes people get into relationships—be it friendships or romantic relationships—where one of the partners has some sort of grudge against the others' interests.
It's unclear why anybody would take someone else's interests and quirks that personally, but it happens.
Reddit user ilikedmysocks found herself in that very situation. She went to the popular subReddit "Am I The A**hole?" or "AITA" for perspective on how she handled the situation.
She asked:
"AITA for expecting my boyfriend to replace all my socks, the exact same ones as I had before?"
Our original poster, or OP, told us about her and her boyfriend's conflict over socks.
"This might seem silly. I (24F[emale]) like wearing cheerful socks, since my uniform is all white (currently working as an phlebotomist), it usually cheers up the patients too."
"I've spent a few years collecting strange socks, ones with sushi, pizza, corgis, cats, Nick Cage, etc. I think I had about 30 pairs."
"My boyfriend (29M[ale]) has always hated them, and thinks they're childish. So I agreed to only wear them to work, and never on dates or around his friends/family. I thought that was fair."
After Christmas, OP and family were chatting socks.
"On boxing day his parents came over for coffee and gifts (just the 4 of us, which is allowed where I live, and keeping a solid 3 meters apart)."
"I accidentally put on a pair of 'childish' socks, and his mother made a comment about it. I explained that I wear them to work to cheer people up, and she liked that. My boyfriend didn't."
The following day, OP found her socks missing.
"The next day all my socks were gone, and the drawer was filled with plain black socks. I asked my boyfriend, and he told me he threw them away and purchased some more 'appropriate' socks, so I won't embarrass him in front of his parents again."
OP was upset.
"I told him that that's insane, they were mine and he had no right to throw them away. Not to mention that I spent quite some time collecting them."
"So I made a list of the ones I remembered I had, and told him that I expect the same ones as a replacement."
"He told me that's completely unreasonable, and that it would take a lot of time/effort/money for him to find those specific pairs. I haven't changed my mind yet, they cost me a lot of time and effort to find too."
And now OP wants to know who is in the wrong.
"I think he's being controlling, he thinks I'm being unreasonable and demanding."
"AITA?"
"I think I might be an a**hole for asking for the exact same pairs, I know that'll take a lot of effort to find."
Redditors helped OP discern guilt belongs by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Redditors can't even believe that OP has to ask who the AH is here. It's clearly her boyfriend.
"Holy sh*t. NTA. Honestly this is breakup-worthy behavior on his part. He stole your personal property."
"He's trying to force you to stop doing something you enjoy because he doesn't like it, even though it doesn't impact him at all. He sounds like a huge controlling a**hole."~badb-crow
"This story is almost unbelievable. Low-stakes, deeply superficial concern on his part, wildly disproportionate response to low-stakes concern, theft, refusal to take perfectly reasonable steps to rectify the egregious behaviour."
"What the everloving eff is OP doing hanging around? I'd have left the day he did it. NTA."~TreeShapedHeart
"It's a test of power by the boyfriend. If you tell the story just the right way it will sound like the OP is being dramatic. I mean it's just socks, who gets upset over socks? The boyfriend knows exactly what he's doing."
"OP get out of this relationship. Not just because he stole from you but because you are not compatible with this person."
"You had a very truly simple thing that brought you joy. This thing did not cost a huge amount of money, didn't interfere with any relationships in your life, didn't take tons of time from him."
"Yet he said that you are not allowed to do this thing. You under his rules as a grown adult are not allowed to dress yourself. That is absolutely batsh*t insane."
"Normal boyfriend would have been like SCORE easy cheap gift for every occasion. Maybe asked you not to wear them on formal occasions but otherwise just let your enjoy a simple pleasure."~MotherofJackals
"This is abuse, full stop. This is how it starts. Small things at first, small enough to make you think it's not that big of a deal."
"Then they slowly titrate up the dosage of abusive behaviors until you find yourself in a hole that's much harder to get out of."
"He stole her clothes and replaced them all with clothes that *he likes* so that 'you won't embarrass me in front of my parents again.'"
"When you objected, I'm guessing he got really calm suddenly. Whoa. Why are you being so unreasonable and demanding?? They're JUST socks."
"This is a SLIPPERY slope, OP. The only option I see here is to leave him immediately. This is not normal behavior, and will soon escalate faster than you know what to do with."
"First it's your socks, then he will start to eliminate friends and family, next it's dictating what kinds of jobs you can work and who you're allowed to speak to."
"This may sound alarmist, but as a therapist I've seen this more than a few times."
"He's destroying your physical property now and he won't stop until your mental health is destroyed, and by that time it will be much, much harder to leave. Get out."~Therapizemecaptain
People are also warning OP: do not ignore this red flag.
"NTA, and this is such a huge RED FLAG!!! He's being unreasonably controlling over SOCKS for gods sake."
"I don't know how long you've been dating or if he's exhibited other controlling behavior but typically these types of behaviors only get worse with time."
"First is socks, next is your entire wardrobe and then what you eat, how you do your hair. He can use 'that would embarrass me' as the reason for controlling literally anything you do, except it's a bs reason and he had no right to throw away your belongings like that."~sour_lemons
"I read a study once where they interviewed abusers. They were well aware of what they were doing because it's a big game of control to them."
"When asked how long they waited before beginning the abuse, the average answer was 9 months. By then, they've got you hooked so little things feel little and the good still outweighs the bad."
"They gaslight endlessly so by the time you start to notice the abuse, you're also so gaslighted into thinking maybe you're just crazy. What your boyfriend did is just a taste of what's to come."
"I promise you, as a 37 year old woman who has dated a handful of narcissists, this sock thing is just the tip of the iceberg."
"He will absolutely try to make this situation go away by over compensating with sweet gestures and dashes of gaslighting."
"You are worth more. He's trash. There are really wonderful men out there. Don't settle and move on before he gets dangerous. Edited to add: NTA x 1000"~foundyour2cents
"NTA. He's been hiding this controlling aspect of his personality, but not very well."
"The mask slipped a little every time he mentioned how much he hated the socks. However the fact that you wore them in front of his parents drove him straight over the edge into abusive AH mode."
"The mask is off completely now. Run for the hills because that guy is just going to get worse."~EmergencyOverall248
"It might be the first time he's actually stolen from you and thrown something of yours away, but it isn't the first time he's tried to control your appearance."
"This has been going on all along, he's just taken it to a new level."
"Given that you've been together for a relatively short amount of time, I'd be concerned how much further it will go."
"Controlling behavior usually starts out with simple things that you can brush off as being small quirks. Once you've shown you'll give in to small demands, they begin to escalate."
"Soon your other clothes become inappropriate, your hobbies become childish, he doesn't like your friends, and on and on."
"Either you stand your ground now, which has two outcomes he either stops the controlling behavior or he refuses and you end the relationship."
"Otherwise you risk going down a slippery slope of him making larger demands and limiting your decision making even further, and then you face the same decisions years from now when your lives are even more intertwined and ending a relationship has more serious consequences."
"(Also, NTA.)"~nkh86
And others talked about their spouses, who treat annoying habits with love:
"NTA. For perspective, my husband can't stand when I wear stuff like that either, and rolls his eyes when I wear them."
"And yet, I ended up with 12 pairs of Harry Potter socks because he knows I like them, and my feet are always cold."
"Get yourself a man like that, and ditch the prick!"~Flibbertigibbet123
"NTA- I dislike that my bf wears Nike/ running shoes with jeans and collared shirt to work. Where is he going to run in jeans? The chafing, man."
"Plus he gets them in the brightest colors he can find. However, it doesn't impact my life and I love him."
"So I help him design the most neon pairs of Nike all the time. It's his thing, I don't like it but whatever. He got another gift card this year from me to design his technicolor dream shoe."~swan_wolf
"NTA. You're right to take this as a huge red flag. This is controlling and concerning behavior. It is not right for him to police what you wear at all."
"It's even more concerning he tried to take measures into his own hands when you didn't comply. This would be relationship ending behavior for me."~RemarkableCranberry7
"NTA My husband also has a large collection of eccentric socks (some of the same patterns that you mentioned). And he's 42 years old."
"First of all, those socks are awesome and they do make me smile. Second of all, it would never in a million years occur to me to get rid of someone else's possessions -- even if they're "just socks" -- behind their back."
"It's a small act, but it has big time implications. Your bf's reaction (embarrassed by socks?) and actions (getting rid of your socks and being the gatekeeper of "appropriate" socks?!) is a sign that you shouldn't ignore."~soytufavorita1
OP updated to say:
"Thanks everyone for replying, I've realised that this might not be a 'normal' fight and am evaluating the relationship."
Reddit would probably agree this is wise.
Plenty of guys with love for little idiosyncrasies exist in the world. Why settle for the ones who will treat yours with contempt?
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadn’t interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why can’t she just admit it?"
"I’m so glad I’m long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; it’s what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesn’t matter if it’s two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesn’t respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Don’t waste another minute of your life on an angry man. He’ll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesn’t need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didn’t know that I could just leave places that I didn’t feel safe in because it wasn’t an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do what’s best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.