Redditor RobynLuxB is a 25-year-old female who had been planning a trip to go to Spain with a group of people that included her 24-year-old boyfriend and her mother, who is a travel agent.
But when a friend dropped out of the travel plans, the Redditor made a decision she thought would be in the best interest of the remaining members of the vacation group.
The decision involved making the unilateral decision to disinvite someone closest to her.
After facing backlash from her sister for the decision, she visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA)
"AITA for 'uninviting' my BF from our group vacation because of his narcolepsy?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Me (25F) and my boyfriend (24M), 'Charlie,' have been dating for 11 months, and we have known each other since we started college together. At the age of 15, he was diagnosed with narcolepsy. So it was a 'thing' I knew about before we started dating."
"We've been planning our week-long vacation to Spain with a group of friends since we never got the chance to travel after graduation, plus my mother. She's a travel agent and she offered to pay half the travel expenses."
"Our group was: Me and my mom, my bf and his best friend, and two of mine. We bought the tickets, we booked our airbnb, everything was okay but four weeks before our flight, Charlie's friend told us he had an unexpected personal issue. So he was out."
"Charlie was clearly bumped to hear about that. He had to take a 'forced nap' that day, and that was an alarming reminder about his condition."
"We weren't dating at the time, but I remembered how bad his condition was during finals week at college, or at any stressful time."
"Now, hear me out. Charlie's narcolepsy is the type where his muscles can suddenly go completely limp or weaken without warning under stressful or high emotional conditions, so it's not only that he gets 'sleepy' during the day, but sometimes he will go fully DOWN."
"Also, Charlie is quite tall, 6'3, slim but muscular."
"Now, can you imagine three 5'4 girls and a petite 62-year-old woman dealing with that situation, all by themselves, in Spain? lol I was somewhat reassured by the fact that his friend could've helped with that, but without him in the picture now, it was a completely different scenario."
"My mom planned the trip and we all know vacations can be stressful. At that moment I came to the conclusion that Charlie's condition appeared to be a potentially serious travel itinerary problem."
"I decided to protect Charlie, and avoid a lot of potential inconveniences for him and the rest of the group. I asked Charlie if we could take this trip without him."
"My main argument was that since his friend wasn't going, we planned to make it more of a 'girls' trip', and I didn't want him to feel left out. Of course, I didn't mention his condition cause I didn't want him to feel bad."
"I promised him we could take another vacation soon (less stressful). I knew he was having trouble finding someone to take care of his dog since he has no friends near his apartment, so I used that as another reason for him to stay."
"Eventually, Charlie said it was 'okay', and that he completely understood my reasoning. He took it pretty well and was very understanding."
"We already booked a place for 6, so I asked my sister if she wanted to join us. When I told her the full story, she was visibly upset."
"My sister said it was a sh**ty-move and it was 'ableist' to ask Charlie not to go, but I don't think that's true. Our trip is next week and honestly, I want to go with a clean conscience. Reddit, AITA?"
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Many Redditors did not support her decision.
"Info: How are you going to take another vacation with alone if you won't have someone to help you with him? Are you planning to always have a guy third wheel your vacations."
"Basically YTA. You're putting limitations on what he can do based on his condition than lying to him about it." – ImpossibleHand5086
"YTA. Your bf can decide for himself if his condition will be a problem."
"I'm also sure this guy has other friends he could invite. Or a father. Or an uncle. Or cousin. Or anyone else. Did you even think of that?"
"My guess is you are just being selfish." – Shoddy-Tutor-8290
"YTA. If you're gonna date a guy who can collapse at any moment, you can't exclude him from regular activities because he could collapse at any moment. I can't believe I have to explain that one." – asami47
"YTA. I think you should have either been honest with Charlie about your concerns and reasons, or not told anyone else the real reason. There's a very real risk now that Charlie will find out the real reason and feel betrayed. You should talk to him about it."
"Also, I knew a narcoleptic once. He had medication he could take to stave off episodes. Does Charlie not have that option?" – letsdoitforthememes
"YTA"
'I decided to protect Charlie, and avoid a lot of potential inconveniences for him and the rest of the group.'
"You did it for you, let's not pretend." – IHaveSaidMyPiece
"I love OP is pretending she's doing this for her boyfriend, when it's crystal clear that she does not want to deal with his condition. And then lying to him why he has to stay home, when telling him the truth would at least give him the chance to decide for himself if the trip is too stressful."
"I wonder how she's imagining a future with him if a simple vacation (with friends as help) already feels like an ordeal… Is she planning on taking a male friend on honeymoon with them if they ever get married? Having kids? Better not ever let him watch them alone…"
"YTA, OP." – NaturalLack4448
"My mom has narcolepsy with cataplexy and has these episodes quite regularly especially in response to extreme emotions. We have to make sure she is sitting or laying down before we give her any emotional news, good or bad."
"All of her muscles paralyze and some occurrences are worse than others, but it's always a concern. This used to be more controllable but she can no longer take the medication that helped her in the past due to its long-term effects on her heart and since then the cataplexy has been extremely frequent, happening everyday sometimes multiple times in a day."
"I only say this because every person is different and narcolepsy in general is not well understood by the public. However, it never stopped my mom from going on vacations and we're all aware of her condition."
"OP you're aware of your boyfriend's condition, it's something you can deal with or you can't. There's no way to know for sure if he will experience the effects of cataplexy while on the trip or if it would even impact you at all if it did occur."
"Also, you're lying to him about why he's uninvited. What if he wants to take you on trips in the future that would just be the two of you?"
"YTA for excluding him due to his medical condition and lying to him about it." – SweetBasic7871
After reading many of the negative comments, the OP acknowledged her mistake in edit. She wrote:
"Hateful DMs aside, I'm glad I made this post and I'm not deleting it.I'll take the hate as earned and also as genuine concern for Charlie."
"For me, this was just a white lie I told my boyfriend, hiding my fear that he would not be safe and that I was not prepared to help him in that situation. But thanks to my sister and your replies I can see now that it was more than just a white lie, it was a huge-ugly lie hiding my own ableism and selfishness."
"I've to say, believe me or not I was genuinely worried about him, but instead of talking to him, I removed him from the equation, and took away his agency."
"I did what was easier and more comfortable for me, not him. That was f'ked up and a sh**ty thing to do to someone I do care about."
"Thanks to all the people that shared your own personal experiences, and I'm sorry I brought up so many negative memories by sharing my sh**ty actions. I tried to reply to most of you, but I can see it's not working since I'm still getting downvoted and you're not going to see it."
"I just want to say that it was not my intention to perpetuate a negative view of people with Narcolepsy, and I was just talking about Charlie's experience. Charlie is quite unique in many ways. He does suffer from fainting and both cataplexy and sleep attacks more frequently than most PWN."
"I've known Charlie since I was 18. He was there for me when my dad passed away two years ago. That's something I'll be forever be grateful."
"Even if we break up some day, he will always be that person to me. I love him as my boyfriend, and I love him as my friend. I'm afraid, scared sh*tless, but I'll put myself together and talk to him."
"I owe him that conversation, the truth and an apology. I owe him a lot, actually. I agree when people say 'he deserves better', he does. and I want to be that better person for him. That's all."
While the OP said she planned to have a conversation with Charlie, it's hard to tell if this is a relationship she is wanting to maintain and work on, especially after she mentioned the inevitability of a possible breakup.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and IÂ got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.'Â And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.