Mother's Day is a very special day for so many people.
This is the day we get to give thanks to all the moms, for all they do.
And most mom's ask for so little in return.
Why is it difficult to grab a few gifts for them?
Case in point...
Redditor Realistic-Baker5083 wanted to discuss her story for some feedback. So naturally she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for not wanting to walk my husband through buying Mother's Day gifts?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"It's my first Mother's Day."
"All I asked him for was 3 things- flowers, a card, and a Starbucks coffee."
"First, he complained about me getting a coffee- can't I just have a coffee at his parent's house that day?"
"No, I want a Starbucks coffee. He reluctantly agrees."
"Then he complains about he card."
"Why do I need a card?"
"They're pointless and will just be thrown out anyways.'"
"I said because I'd like to keep it as a memory as my first one."
"Now I'm feeling agitated."
"Am I asking for too much?"
"We're in the dollar store, and he says 'Oh! I can buy Mother's Day cards here. Pick one out.'"
"But I tell him I don't want to see it?"
"It should be him putting the thought and effort into finding a nice one."
"He chooses out one randomly for both his mom and I with hardly reading them. Fine."
N"ow today. He's asking me where to buy flowers."
"I said I don't know, grocery store?"
"Pretty much everywhere has them."
"We go to the store. He's asking me to come choose the ones I like."
"I said I literally don't care if they're weeds at this point- the point was to show appreciation through a small surprise and I wouldn't be upset with any kind of flower."
"He literally could not mess this up."
"Maybe I'm being an AH, but I just feel like I've been involved in every step of planning for this little 'surprise' I asked for today."
"It's not like he's usually clueless with gifts."
"He's actually quite thoughtful with birthday and Christmas gifts and understands the importance of keeping me out of the loop with those things."
"But he's made every part of this feel like I'm asking for too much, and like I have to do the work myself."
"It just doesn't feel genuine."
"I told him he doesn't have to get me anything if he doesn't want to, and now he's mad at me saying I made him feel like a bad husband/father."
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
It's a tricky situation.
Let's hear some thoughts...
"NTA. Jesus Christ what is it with my gender?"
"How freaking infantile and useless are we going to let ourselves be?" ~ toofat2serve
"It's a vicious cycle."
"There are so many men out there who are thoughtless like this."
"So you get with somebody who does buy you nice flowers and gifts, for example."
"And you get to thinking you really hit gold here."
"So you ignore that he doesn't help with the laundry, he doesn't do any cooking."
"He doesn't XYZ."
"Because at least he gets you thoughtful presents and he likes to read with you in bed and you split the bills equally."
"Somehow it feels fair that he works 40 hour weeks, you work 40 hour weeks and he gets to come home and play video games while you take care of the kids."
"Because he's nice to you sometimes."
"And other men don't help with the chores and aren't at nice."
"So you figure you're lucky."
"And you cling to this guy and count your supposed blessings."
"It's just a lot more nuanced than women being at fault for the men they're with being low quality." ~ lyssargh
"I literally don't understand why some men actively resist doing even the smallest thing to make their wives happy."
"Like this man put significantly more effort into passively resisting and feigning incompetence than it would have taken to just don't be extremely small things she asked for."
"I just can't fathom actively trying so hard to make someone feel unloved." ~ allison375962
"NTA. He should feel bad."
"He's acting as though simple little gestures that would make you feel special are unreasonable requests."
"I sure hope this doesn't become a pattern because there is nothing worse than when your partner acts like easy gestures of love are major burdens." ~ AntiVictimhood
OP spoke up...
"I really didn't think I was asking for much."
"And judging by the fact that people other than him literally managed to do the same thing for me, it feels even more ridiculous that it felt like I had to walk him through it."
"Hopefully he gets a clue and does better next year."
"It's also my first Mother's Day."
"I let my husband know ahead of time that I wanted something (didn't care what) because he doesn't really celebrate 'small' holidays (valentine's day mostly lol)."
"He ended up getting our daughter (less than a week old) a onesie saying 'Happy first Mother's Day' that surprised me when I unswaddled her this morning which was adorable and super sweet."
"I unfortunately had a rough morning because I was exhausted still, achey all over, and my milk came in but our daughter won't latch and my pump isn't the right size."
"So I ended up napping and pumping (while crying bc hormones!)."
"He ran out and got me a McDonald's frappe and flowers while I did that, then made us brunch."
"What you asked for is not unreasonable and your husband needs to step it up."
"You have pushed (or had a major surgery) a baby out of you, a baby he helped create."
"And the least he can do is show appreciation for that."
"I hope he's a better father than this. NTA." ~ anappleaday_2022
"It's really frustrating when you ask for exactly what you want and still have to give directions like they're a child."
"Maybe later talk to him about why you don't want to pick out your own flowers."
"If you do that, you might as well just get yourself flowers during the week."
"Nothing wrong with it."
"But there's a difference between that and between being given a gift."
"You didn't ask for a lot." ~ Engineer-Huge
"You asked for barely more than nothing."
"I swear if you asked him to take a deep breath on your behalf, he'd suffocate himself out of spite."
"There are people who feel like being asked for anything, or having any expectations, is some kind of unfair imposition."
"They'll talk about how if you ask for something and they do it, it's not the same as if they did it spontaneously."
"And maybe it's true. "
"But they weren't going to do it spontaneously and you don't have to pretend like they would've." ~ Hekili808
"NTA, and it's ironic that he's saying you 'made him feel like a bad husband' because that's EXACTLY WHAT HE'S BEING: an incredibly sh**ty, thoughtless, childishly rude husband."
"Feel free to point out that you're not 'making him feel' that way, that's just WHO HE IS right now, and he'd probably feel a lot better about himself in relation to Mother's Day."
"If he actually, you know, treated the mothers in his life like celebrating them mattered to him even a tiny bit."
"Look, I'm autistic."
"I struggle very much with social norms and expectations, and have for over 40 years."
"But I mention this specifically because it's not difficult even for ME to comprehend that 'flowers, card, fancy Starbuck's coffee' is the BARE MINIMUM of celebrating you for birthing his children."
"You shouldn't have to walk him through it, and you CERTAINLY shouldn't have to freaking justify any of it to him the way he made you do with the coffee and card."
"These are the things he should WANT to do to make you feel loved and special."
"Also breakfast. Mother's Day breakfast is non-negotiable to everyone I know, whether it's homemade or at the local diner or whatever."
"Just . . . something."
"Your husband is a massive AH, and you may need marriage counseling if he honestly doesn't understand these most basic things and forces you to stage-direct your own Mother's Day."
"You, however, are NTA." ~ FoolMe1nceShameOnU
OP wanted to let us in on some details...
"ETA: thanks to everyone who replied so far."
"I figured I'd update since I found this pretty funny."
"We got to his parents house for breakfast, and sitting at my spot was a coffee, two cards from them, and flowers… from them."
"He didn't know this was happening."
"They said 'See, THATS how you're supposed to do it!'"
"And I laughed so hard because of the irony."
OP it feels like Reddit has your back.
A Starbucks coffee is not a big ask.
Hopefully the rest of the day turned out beautifully.
Happy Mother's Day!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp