One young woman found out the hard way that a relationship kindled online—though an extremely popular and legitimate approach to love—can leave the people involved vulnerable to secrets or hidden aspects of the other person.
For her, known as mickeyisthatyou in the Reddit universe, the hidden quality of her long-time boyfriend didn't appear something one could easily hide. After all, a person's voice is typically on full display, especially after living together for awhile, as this couple did.
But two years into the relationship she made a bombshell discovery about her partner. He'd been deliberately masking his natural voice because it embarrassed him.
Her response to the news was involuntary and, she worried afterwards, maybe inappropriate. To clarify how guilty she ought to feel, she turned to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
As the beginning of her post explained, the relationship began with some early focus on his speaking voice.
"I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years [23F and 26M] after we met online. We were long distance but he only texted me, and at a point I told him I couldn't continue without a video call to ensure he is who he says."
"He said he was insecure about his voice on the phone, kept putting it off, until I gave him an ultimatum."
When they did finally talk, all of his worries seemed overblown.
"We had our video call, I told him I loved his voice, and we haven't had a problem with calling since."
"His voice was raspy, like strained vocal cords, so I figured that was why he was self conscious. When I met him it was the same thing. Deep, but raspy and hoarse. It was kinda sexy to me and I made sure he knew so he didn't feel insecure."
After the couple began to see each other in person more, and even live together, his behavior toward his own family and friends appeared a little abnormal.
"After we met, we saw each other every other weekend alternating drives, until we got a place together in my town 6 months ago."
"He's met my family and friends, I've only met one of his friends because he was his roommate. He says his other friends aren't really close, and he has a strained relationship with his family."
"His mom has been calling him since he moved, but he always ignores them. I don't want to go into detail why he didn't want to talk with her, but I eventually talked him into giving it a try."
"Earlier this week he actually took the phone outside and called her back, but asked me for some privacy. They talked for almost 3 hours."
And then came the big reveal.
"When he finally came in, he looked happy. I asked him how it went, and immediately he answered 'really well!'"
"But... I swear he sounded like a Muppet character. It was NOT my boyfriend's voice by a long shot. He went from a deep, raspy voice to Mickey mouse. I sincerely thought he was joking. So I laughed."
Her boyfriend did not take that knee-jerk laughter of hers well at all.
"He started a coughing fit, but I thought he was laughing too. Nope."
"He asked what I was laughing at, and I told him, 'whatever that impression was,' legitimately thinking he was making some weird joke."
"The absolute difference in voices made it sound like it was out of a cartoon."
"He got pissed at me, went back to his 'regular' gravelly voice I guess and told me his voice cracked from talking too much."
Eventually, another conversation with his mother led him to come clean with a confession that was a long time coming.
"Well, today when he was ignoring his mom's phone calls again and when I asked why, he got quiet."
"After trying to figure out what was wrong with him, he finally opened up that he's been faking his voice our ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP to the point he believed it. And when he talked to his mom his natural voice just came out, and I embarrassed him."
The big news—and her reaction to it—left her torn about how she ought to feel in response.
"I.... don't know what to think. I both feel like an a**hole for laughing at him, and like it's not my fault that he lied about his voice and then randomly went from the Witcher to Sesame Street."
"I've been up all night talking with him about this. He keeps going in and out of voices. He admitted to me that all the problems he said about his mom were exaggerated so I wouldn't meet her. Because she'd know it's not his voice and call him out on it."
Redditors were stunned by her boyfriend's long-term cover up.
They assured her that her response was totally reasonable.
"[Not The A**hole] (NTA), boy's been faking his voice for 2 years and expects you to know when he brings out his 'real' voice. How were you supposed to know that?!" -- stormscaper
"NTA how were you supposed to know he was doing a different voice when he talked to you? You assumed that his natural voice was him trying to make you laugh." -- cranky_throw_away
"NTA. You weren't the one who lied." -- tingtongting12
"NTA. He should have shared that eventually with you. What was he expecting? To fake a voice for the rest of his life?" -- biinjo
Some people went a step further. They felt the whole ordeal was a red flag for the future of the relationship.
"NTA. He's been purposely lying to you about something so dumb for two years. Is this a guy you really want to be with?" -- heatherhobbit
"NTA, but what sort of relationship do you have if he's lying to you about the sound of his VOICE. I mean how long could he keep that up for." -- Emr-
Others, while they did agree with her surprised reaction, sympathized with her boyfriend at the same time.
"NTA. This is WILD!"
"While what he did was absurd, I feel bad for the guy. He walked himself into the worst confirming evidence he could have asked for."
"He told you he was self conscious, which made you extra complimentary about how much you liked his fake voice, and then revealed his true voice accidentally after two years in a way that made you laugh."
"He couldn't have set this up better to make himself self more self-conscious about his voice if he tried. What a boondoggle." -- cibrownn
"This is amazing. [No A**holes Here] (NAH) I think as long as he's not being a d*** to you about it? You obviously have done nothing wrong at the very least."
"I think he's probably not an asshole for faking his own voice. People reinvent themselves to conform to an ideal all the time right?"
"You can be absolutist about the truth and the masks we all wear if you want, but I think it would result in weird opinions about a lot of things, from fashion to plastic surgery to, hell, going to the gym."
"I think this is along those kinds of lines rather than intentional and malicious untruthfulness. And to be honest, I can sort of see where's he's coming from. I know of a onetime minor internet celebrity who's voice was tragicomically a cartoon character voice."
"I'd fu**in' hate sounding like that and might honestly try doing a judge dredd impersonation all the time like this dude, lol." -- Mister_Crowly
Finally, some spoke from experience.
"NAH. I had an uncle born with a paralyzed vocal cord and his voice was high pitched. I'm sure he was teased as a child. We found it endearing. Let him know it doesn't matter." -- SuzyQ4416
"Oof, NTA! I married (and divorced) a guy who is MEGA self conscious about his voice and he always made it about other people & not his own insecurity. This guy took that to a whole other level. WOW" -- DontTouchMyCatYOU
And so, she did get some of the clarity she was looking for. If she took the Reddit community at its word, she likely held no moral guilt about the situation.
But her plea had its limitations. She did not ask how to move forward bearing it all in mind. Here's hoping she's found clarity for that all on her own.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.