Everyone needs rest.
We all need a moment – or perhaps several moments – to recharge and revitalize before we take on the next challenge.
What happens, though, when one person’s rest is another’s perceived manipulation?
This was the problem facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) throwawayyyy2273 when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for clarity.
She asked:
“AITA for asking when we’re going to go home and ruining my bfs night out with his friends.”
OP got right to the situation at hand.
“Me(23 female) and my bf(28 male) (2 years together) were at his friend’s house for a party.”
“We both had to be up at 5 in the morning and this has been our 3rd night in a row where we went and stayed late, even though we had to be up at 5 am.”
“Also never complained either night.”
“We had already been at the party for 6 hours at this point it was midnight and we still had a 20 to 25 mins drive back.”
“My bf was with the guys at the party I went out to tell him that I was tired (been up since 5 with little sleep from the night before) and it was already midnight and we had to be up early.”
Then she got to the specifics of the concern.
“Then I asked if we were going to go soon.”
“His friends immediately started attacking me saying things like before you he would stay up as late as he wanted.”
“Or that I’m always with him and that I need to let him do what he wants.”
“Also saying I have nothing to do with my day only my bf does so I shouldn’t worry about it how early I have to wake up. Etc…”
“This made me extremely upset because while these guys were all attacking me my bf just sat there and watched and didn’t say anything.”
“All I asked was what time we were going because I was tired, not that he had to leave now.”
“I was really upset so I went inside but the whole situation made me get upset and cry and I obviously didn’t want to cry in front of people at the party.”
“I went outside to sit in my car where he eventually came and got in the car, mad. (I’m assuming thinking he thought I was waiting for him to leave).”
“I drove us home and he played the victim the whole night.”
OP’s boyfriend had choice words for her.
“He said he had to leave because of me. ‘I control his life’.”
And,
” ‘I’m over dramatic’. ”
“I told him how I felt and how he let everyone attack me for no reason.”
“He said he wasn’t going to apologize and he would tell me exactly why tomorrow.”
She was left to wonder.
“AITA?”
Having explained her concerns, OP turned to Reddit for guidance.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some of the responses were very direct.
“NTA – But you need to take a HARD, HARD look at that relationship.”~BookReader1328
Or,
“Yikes.”
“Please do yourself a favor and get rid of him.”
“So many red flags 🚩”~HonkerDingerDucky
Others were more expressive.
“This. My boyfriend was an extreme example of people growing up.”
“In his early 20s he was a party animal and did similar things.”
“As he grew older (he is 30 now)he changed.”
“He couldn’t even do those things because he got older and everything hurt from working, he also had way less time( I got more time then his friends.).”
“He is usually in bed by 21-23 if he has to wake up in the morning.”
“Your boyfriend doesn’t see you as a relationship worth sacrifice.”
“He would rather go to party, than cuddle with you and go to sleep at a decent hour.”
“Clearly most of his friends are single and no wonder if they have this mentality.”
“He hasn’t grown up and thinks ‘wasaaap! Bro’s before hoes!’ weird ape grunting noises This is what my picture of people like this is.”
“Friends are important, but not at the expense of your SO.”
“If he had any real feelings towards you, he would have left you at home and found his own way back.”
“Like the rest of us plebs.”
“If he did that to me… ‘oh am I hearing this correctly? I am burdening you? Well, let me make this as easy as pie 😀. My car, my decision’.”
” ‘If your not in it in 15 minutes I leave your ass behind, no question asked’.”
” ‘What I’m acting like your mom? Well, act like a child get treated like one. Boohoo you don’t like how this is going? There is the door and walk yo a** home yourself then’.”
” ‘I’m not uber and I have other things to do’.”
“Walk to the car and drive away the second it hits the mark.”
“Edit: forgot the NTA! The NTA wohoo”~LiliumIam
Of course, there were concerns about the boyfriend.
“NTA.”
“It’s a totally reasonable question to ask when are we leaving.”
“The fact his friends had such a harsh reaction and you’re boyfriend allowed it and also had a big overreaction says he’s probably been complaining about you behind your back to them.”~cfghjiuyfddssfgg
And,
“So his friends, where he controls the narrative and they only really ‘know’ you through the lens of what he tells them, think that you’re controlling based on him complaining about you voicing an opinion he doesn’t like.”
“This says worlds about him, and please, recognize you can do so much better than this emotionally abusive jerk.”
“NTA.”
“Do leave him.”
“Buy ice cream and have a party!”
“And then you can go to bed when YOU want without having to check in with some drunk dude who gets pissed that you, the person he demands drive him everywhere, wanna go home.”~soayherder
OP did return with some clarity.
“Edit: I always drive because he drinks, I don’t.”
“We don’t ever usually leave separately.”
“He would also get upset if I leave without him.”
“Uber/Lyft is not big where we live.”
Everyone needs rest.
Sometimes, that rest means sleep, or quiet, or a bath.
Remember to be clear and direct about the things you need to be happy and healthy, and be patient with people when they do the same with you.