Redditor wet2drylabPhD suffered a miscarriage. The next day she was appalled when her partner opted to spend time with his friends because he thought “it could be fun.”
By the time he came back, it was too late as far as she was concerned.
After her decision she turned to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
The Original Poster (OP) asked:
“AITA for deciding to not involve my partner further after he left me the morning after I had a miscarriage to go mushroom picking because ‘it could be fun’?”
“I just had a miscarriage.”
“Thankfully I am medically fine based on my clinical visits. I have one follow-up visit to ensure that there are no complications.”
“My partner was there during the 1st visit—that’s when I found out that it was a miscarriage.”
“There were associated pains physically on the day it happened and I honestly thought it was just post-workout pain because I had been playing badminton the day before.”
“All in all it was a shocking and tiring day physically and mentally and I was glad he was there all throughout.”
However, her partner’s support was shortlived.
“What I couldn’t wrap my head around was that the very next morning he told me that he wants to go mushroom picking with people from his work because he said ‘it could be fun’.”
“He left me, to go do that and when I told him I would have appreciated if he was there because he was texting me while he was out. He told me, I should have asked for it.”
“Followed by a text, ‘Btw, I would like to hangout with you tonight though’.”
“It was just an illuminating moment for me how his actions made me realize that I couldn’t be with someone who would go mushroom picking the morning after I had a miscarriage.”
“I left his place. He called me 3 times and texted me that he wants to be there during the last follow up visit ‘because it would mean a lot to him’.”
“But I don’t want him involved anymore.”
“AITA for not wanting to involve him for the visit (and possibly in my life) because it was overwhelming with the miscarriage and I don’t want to deal with the fact that he didn’t choose me over mushrooms and that he implied that it was my fault because I didn’t ask for him to stay?”
“(If what he wants is peace of mind that the miscarriage has no complications, he could go ask the mushrooms.)”
Anonymous strangers on the internet weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors provided examples from their own lives in contrast to the OP’s partner—who prioritized foraging for mushrooms “for fun” over the OP.
“NTA. I am so sorry for your loss.”
“My husband (then boyfriend) was an over the road truck driver when I had our first (of three) miscarriages.”
“He was in Tennessee when I called him to tell him I was losing our baby and he literally called his work and got himself loads to reroute himself home to MN to be with me.”
“He pushed his clock to the limit every single day to be there for me. He apologized for not being home sooner the minute he got through the door. THAT is how a partner behaves.”
“Throw out the whole man and find someone worth the emotional investment and worth having a child with. He is not a loving partner at all and you deserve so much better.” – Momma_Hew
“My cousin had a miscarriage and her husband took the next week off work.”
“After two days, she tried to get him to go back to work because his hovering and trying to keep her from taking a single step were beginning to drive her nuts, until she realized that he needed the time off from work to grieve, not just to take care of her.” – krankykitty
This Redditor had a response to all the comments addressing the fact the partner may have needed a sense of “normalcy” after a distressing event.
“NTA – some people are defending his actions by pointing out that he may have needed the normalcy after a traumatic event…which is all well and good, if he had explicitly communicated that because if he had said ‘OP, I know you are hurting and I am too, I don’t want to leave you alone unless you’re okay with it, but it would help me to do a normal activity, how would you feel about me doing [X]’ it would’ve given you the opportunity to say ‘no, I really need you here’ which you otherwise shouldn’t have had to assume you would need to explicitly say in a situation like this.” – bishkebab
The OP agreed and said:
“Exactly, a friend of mine told me that he’s just so used to me being strong and tough and can handle things and that my friend says maybe he assumed that I could handle this too and that he can take off as normal.”
“And I know that I’m fine, it would have been better if he explicitly said the phrase you mentioned above. I know I would understand him either way, I would just have appreciated if he had the awareness to even not make me have to ‘beg’ for his support over his mushroom.”
“Another thing that I couldn’t wrap my head around is that he said he wanted to go ‘because it could be fun.’ Like I wish, I couldn’t understand how people can still have the energy to seek ‘fun’ the morning after a miscarriage.”
Redditors continued telling the OP her partner was not worth sticking around for.
“NTA. Girl, take this is the wake-up call that it’s meant to be. This man is wearing his red flag like a cape.”
“He’s not interested in being your life partner if he abandons you AFTER A MISCARRIAGE to go hangout with his mates.” – AmenaTM
“The partner probably changed his tone and wants to attend the follow up appointment because his mates may have given him sh*t when asked about it.”
“I may be reaching but that is how I envision someone so callous and selfish would respond. The partner now wants to be part of the process not because of some internal guilt but by pressure from friends.”
“Some who overtly chooses a leisurely activity like picking mushroom over supporting their partner after a traumatic event is selfish and callous regardless if that is their coping mechanism.” – hello_friendss
“I mean truly. OP, do you see this man as a viable partner and good parent to your future kids? Do you think he’ll put his kids’ games and performances ahead of his own wants? NTA” – justauser34
The OP came back with a couple of updates.
“I didn’t insist for him to stay because I honestly thought it was given in the situation. And I get it, he may also be overwhelmed and wants some escape to normalcy.”
“But I feel like an a**hole for possibly not giving him the peace of mind that I would get from the upcoming clinical visit.”
“I just want to say that in a moment of abandonment, where I felt that everything is falling apart, it’s very reassuring to hear Reddit strangers reasonable judgement for another distressed stranger.”
“I appreciate it and that makes me feel that the world is not that sh**ty.”
Overall, Redditors decided the OP was NTA and that her partner’s behavior exhibited major red flags in their relationship.