in , ,

Woman Called ‘Selfish’ For Refusing To Be Maid Of Honor Since She Has To Care For Husband Full-Time

Claudia Wolff/Unsplash

Some people appear to be able to do anything.

Particularly when it comes to a work life balance.

These people appear to be able to give 100% at work, at home, and socially, as if it were no trouble at all.

Most others, however, openly admit to not being able to compartmentalize

This means, that they may have to miss a friend’s birthday party, or a child’s school concert, owing to a work/family/social obligation.

Redditor tweetybirdlover was having trouble managing with. her full time job, and her commitments at home.

And as a result, she had to decline an offer from a friend which most others might relish.

But after being called selfish by this friend for doing so, the original poster (OP), took to the subReddit “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:

“AITA for refusing to be maid of honor because it’s too much work?”

The OP shared that an unfortunate situation regarding her husband’s help left her with almost literally no time to herself.

“A little background.”

“I work full time and am sole caregiver for my husband.”

“He is still able to do a lot for himself but there’s also still a lot that falls on me and because of this I’m constantly exhausted and trying to find time and energy to do everything I need to do.”

“My friends know this though some don’t really understand how time consuming and exhausting it is because they see him able to do things at gatherings.”

Knowing how overwhelmed she was, she was forced to say no to a friend’s request, which her friend did not take well at all.

“A friend of mine is getting married and asked me to be the maid of honor.”

“I was touched that she asked, but told her that while I was thankful for the offer I couldn’t accept.”

“I let her know I was still willing to be a bridesmaid or just a guest if she preferred that, but that I couldn’t take on the responsibility of being maid of honor at this time.”

” She blew up at me and said I’m being selfish and a bad friend.”

“She also said that ‘everyone’ thinks I’ve been extremely selfish this past year because I don’t hang out with them as much as I used to.”

“I made the comment that I didn’t work a little over a year ago so of course I had more time but she just said that was me making excuses like always.”

“I gave up on arguing with her and just repeated that I don’t have the time/energy to commit to being maid of honor she then told me I didn’t need to bother finding the time/energy to even come to the wedding at all.”

“Now the entire friend group is split with some taking her side and saying I’m wrong for not making an effort and others taking my side saying she needs to recognize my other responsibilities.”

“The replacement maid of honor has 4 kids under the age of 6 which the bride and those that agree with her are just using a s moor proof that I’m being selfish.”

“It’s ended up a huge mess, causing problems with the whole group, and changing how everyone feels about the wedding.”

“I feel horrible and didn’t want any of that to happen.”

“Now the bride is saying I can fix it all if I just agree to be ‘co maid of honor’.”

“I still feel like that’s too much for me to take on.”

“So AITA?”

Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:

  • NTA – Not the A**hole
  • YTA – You’re the A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everybody Sucks Here

The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was in no way the a**hole for declining to be her friend’s maid of honor.

Just about everyone agreed that it was the OP’s friend who was the selfish one for ignoring the OP’s family issues, with many even wondering why they were friends in the first place.

“NTA and I’m not sure why you think any of these people are worthy of being your friends.”

“As an aside, MOH used to be just that, an honor.”

“Now it’s like an unpaid slave for a bridezilla.”- RB1327


“No one is entitled to your time and attention.”

“If she feels this way then perhaps she should spend a day in your shoes, or better, a week, being sole caretaker for your husband on top of your other responsibilities.”

“Just chiming in as someone who has a spouse as sole caretaker, thank you for the sacrifices you make.”

“The sacrifice of time, attention and sanity is underestimated or not even considered by people not in your position.”

“My husband became my sole caretaker after I was suddenly paralyzed from the mid chest down.”

“He’s wiped my ass, changed my diapers, cooked, cleaned, did laundry, shops and cooks.”

“Every chore I used to do, he now has to do.”

“It was so much work for him he had to take early retirement.”

“Thank god he was in a union and had a guaranteed pension.”

“On top of all the inside chores he also looks after the lawn, house maintenance, etc.”

“It’s eye opening to our friends when they realize just how much he has to do.”

“Hoping the best for you and your husband.”- purrfunctory


“What is her absolute obsession with you being MOH?”

“I mean, it can’t be because you are good friends.”

“Good friends don’t treat each other like she is treating you.”

“I would just move on from this friendship.”

“Other friendships may fail as well, depending on how much power she has over the others.”

“But it is what it is.”

“Life is too short to let other people control you.”- Foggy_Radish


“She knows you have a husband with an illness/disability, work full time and she’s upset you no longer have as much time for her anymore?”

“What about her supporting you during what has obviously been a tumultuous time?”

“Lose this ‘friend’.”

“She’s clearly not much of a friend if she won’t support you through a challenging time.”

“Sounds like she’ll be a complete bridezilla and you don’t need the extra stress.”

“Good luck to her future husband on the ‘in sickness and in health’ vows!”- ColdstreamCapple


“If anything, your ‘friend’ use this term loosely and those who are on her side really lack empathy and compassion.”

“They are the selfish bunch of AH.”

“It’s not like you were being ungrateful, as you mentioned how touched and honoured you felt to be given the role or took the responsibility and only to realize last minute that it is too much for you to handle and bail out.”

“You were aware that the role came with responsibilities that you knew you would not be able to take due to your personal commitments, so it was right to say no then and there directly.”

“She already acted very rash and emotionally and was quick to kick you out of the entire ceremony immediately after your refusal.”

“I would re-consider the friendship.”

“Friends don’t go around kicking others down when they are already in difficulty.”- saltysegall


“But I read this and your other post about game night at your house.”

“You need to find new friends.”

“Most of your current friends are severely lacking in compassion for everything you have going on in your life and are incredibly selfish.”

“Delete and block all of these so-called ‘friends’.”

“Find a support group for spouses who are caregivers.”

“I think that will help you immensely.”-administrativenothin


“Holy shit the entitlement of some people.”- Bum-Billy


“Don’t go to the wedding, this woman is not your friend.”

“MOH is a huge responsibility, even being a bridesmaid is, that’s why the bride ASKS, because there is always a possibility that the possible MOH/bridesmaid will say no.”

“You’re not obligated to take part in anyone’s wedding no matter how close you are to them.”

“She’s trying to manipulate you with the whole ‘co-MOH’ thing, don’t fall for it, stop contacting her, don’t attend her wedding.”- lrmxor420

“As someone with chronic health issues that interfere with everything AND as someone who was a caregiver for someone else.”

“Forget that self centered, un empathetic, uncaring, wretch of a bride.”

“She is completely made of red flags.”

“You in no way, shape or form the a**hole here and I applaud you for withstanding her bullying.”

“Because that’s exactly what she’s doing.”

“Not only do I think you have every right to refuse the ‘honor’ or working yourself to the bone for her and spending money to do so, I’d skip the wedding and drop her like the hot pile of crap she is.”

“Along with anyone who is ignorant enough to side with her.”

“And no, the kids aren’t a big deal.”

“Qualified sitters are cheaper for kids than qualified medical help is for an adult, and much easier to find.”

“Also, that mom likely has family members who can help too.”

“Caregivers need support and caring themselves.”

“Build yourself a new friends circle out of people capable of seeing your needs, and willing to prioritize those needs over their wants.”

“If you need to hear this, no, ‘everyone’ does not think you’ve been extremely selfish recently.”

“She’s saying it’s everyone in an attempt to use peer pressure to manipulate you.”

“Please recognize that for the emotionally abusive control technique that it is.”

“I would block her everywhere and forget she is alive.”

“If anyone asks, tell them you didn’t like the way she treated you nor her complete lack of empathy for your situation and you’ve moved on.”

“If they accept it, great.”

“If not, block them too.”

“Life is too short to accept those kind of people.”

“And my prayers for you and your husband.”

“Please reach out to support groups, there are many online!”

“For caregivers.”

“Burn out is a real danger, as is depression from not being able to fix everything.”

“It’s a great place to meet people who understand and form friendships with people who ‘get it’.”-Gael4ce

While the OP should arguably be flattered that she was asked to be a maid of honor, the fact that this friend found her selfish for being concerned about her husband is alarming to say the least.

Hopefully the OP and this friend will be able to talk and reconcile.

Otherwise, as many suggested, the OP might be better off if they cease to be friends.

Written by John Curtis

A novelist, picture book writer and native New Yorker, John is a graduate of Syracuse University and the children's media graduate program at Centennial College. When not staring at his computer monitor, you'll most likely find John sipping tea watching British comedies, or in the kitchen, taking a stab at the technical challenge on the most recent episode of 'The Great British Baking Show'.