Anyone who has spent any amount of time in the United States can attest to how complicated many of the legal aspects of being a citizen, like receiving a paycheck or health insurance, can be.
How many legal processes work can even get in the way of a marriage, even one involving true love, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Throwawayquare20, for example, recently turned down her boyfriend's marriage proposal, though not for the reasons he might have expected.
But when he found out it was because the Original Poster (OP) was worried about her alimony and health insurance, he was still pretty darn mad.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for rejecting my boyfriend's proposal because I'd lose my health insurance and alimony?"
The OP received quite a bit of monetary support when she got divorced.
"I (44 Female) divorced my ex-husband (47 Male) two years ago and have been dating my boyfriend (45 Male) since (no cheating)."
"My ex and I were fighting a lot, but the divorce was less litigious than expected."
"My ex-husband, James, and I were married for 21 years. In the state of Massachusetts, I as his ex-spouse was able to stay on his group health insurance. In addition, the judge ordered that since I stayed home to raise our four kids (now 21 Male, 19 Female, 18 Male, and 16 Male) that I get alimony for life, or until I (only I, not my ex) remarried."
The financial situation seemed to make sense for a while.
"In terms of health insurance, I'd lose it if either James or I remarried. However, James has been very open about the fact that he hates the idea of marriage or marrying again even more than he hates me to still be covered under his health insurance policy."
"His exact words were, 'Well, luckily for you, it's not emotionally or financially cost-effective for me to marry just to get you off my health insurance.'"
"For the entire length of our marriage, part of the reason I didn't work is because my ex is a doctor, and after doing calculations, we realized I'd never make enough to even get close to covering the childcare costs for four kids. I checked and saw that if I had continued my administrative job, I'd be making 17 dollars an hour today. I have no chance of making even that now."
But the OP's boyfriend's love for her complicated things.
"My boyfriend and I are very much in love. In many ways, I wish I'd met him first. He's empathetic, and unlike my ex, he values work-life balance instead of running between a private practice and the psych ward at a county hospital to work 24 hours a day, seven days a week."
"However, my boyfriend and I don't live together and besides small presents to each other, we pay for ourselves."
"Things were good but my boyfriend changed after I had a pregnancy scare. He said that if I get pregnant again, he wants us to be living under one roof, and not like two divorced parents. So he proposed."
"I was upset but had to turn it down because love aside, this was my health insurance and only source of income on the line."
The proposal complicated their relationship.
"I didn't understand why my boyfriend was so upset and didn't understand. He is a case manager at a nonprofit and we'd be living on half the income I'm currently living on (if we take out child support) and that is bound to create tension on both sides. Am I so wrong for this?"
"Just want to add, that we cannot move in together, either. The archaic family court laws would see that and assume that my boyfriend and I would be sharing finances or I would be in some way supported by my boyfriend by the fact of us moving in together."
"If I could move in together with him and not lose my benefits, we'd be doing so."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were certain the only AH in this entire scenario was the OP.
"YTA. SAHP (Stay-At-Home Parent) is a legitimate job for families, and sure you're entitled to time and compensation to get back on your feet after divorce, but planning to spend the rest of your life draining your ex-husband is entitled and gross."
"Have some dignity. Use the alimony to give yourself a cushion to build your independence so you're able to build new relationships without restrictions." - IvyySteel
"'Have some dignity' is the best use of words here, like, seriously, you're a stay-at-home mom to nearly adult children. That alimony money should absolutely go towards building whatever career that she missed out on getting/enhancing her options for the remainder of her life given that it might be another 40 years."
"God, some people are so gross and entitled. YTA." - Lord-Smalldemort
"Not calling you a greedy gold digger... but... yeah. You're not a SAHM (Stay-At-Home Mom) anymore when your kids are grown, LOL (laughing out loud). Unless you count your 192-month-old... Nah, get a job. YTA." - AdaDaTigr
"What's crazy is all her kids likely have a job or are at least in college, and she isn't or hasn't done any of that. You wanna call laws archaic? How about the law that allows you to collect money for longer than you raise kids? Laws that you collect more money than even you admitted you could make?" - UnwindingStaircase
"OP wants her cake and to eat it, too... for life. It must be nice. Note to self: don't get divorced in Massachusetts." - HouseNumb3rs
"YTA. Hopefully your boyfriend sees this as a red flag and dodges a bullet." - wrknlrk
"You're not an a**hole, but let's summarize your situation."
"You've chosen a check from your ex over the love of your boyfriend. You do you, but your boyfriend is right to be p**sed, and if it were me, I'd leave your a** rather than play the game of 'How Can I Get the Love of One Man and the Money from Another?' Game. That's bulls**t." - anotherworthlessman
Others didn't understand why the OP hadn't even tried to advance her career or prospects.
"Why haven't you started working even tho you're getting alimony? You could be working towards more independence but rather be a cake eater in this situation."
"You're about to lose this dude as you have shown him which you value more." - Synn0289
"She has a stable income and insurance; it's such a blessing to now be able to pursue something you would enjoy doing and that could turn into something lucrative down the road without having to stress about making ends meet in the meantime. I would kill for an opportunity like that. It's such a gift." - Local_Persimmon_5563
"Your kids are all old enough not to need a SAHM (Stay-At-Home-Mom). Why not go back to school, get training, get a job? If your ex dies or becomes disabled and unable to pay alimony, you would be screwed as things are."
"If your boyfriend is employed and has health insurance, when you get married, his health insurance would then be updated to cover you and your kids." - HarveySnake
"I'm not trying to be a d**k with this question, but what do you do all day? What are your future plans for when kids are out of the house?"
"There's just way too much instability for my liking in this situation; my anxiety about relying on an unsustainable income would be through the roof, but you are not me."
"However, I would look for work for yourself or else the burden would fall on your children to take care of you if something happens to your ex. Do you want that?" - entityinyourroom
"OP, it sounds like you and bf need a serious sit-down."
"Knowing your age and the high costs of every f**king thing, I don't blame you for not wanting to remarry. That being said. Look around and find something you would enjoy doing."
"Get a business degree and open a little shop of some sort. Go to culinary school and just learn to be a kick-a** chef/pastry chef. Open a tiny little vanity high tea place open during high tea only."
"Get a criminal justice degree and work on becoming a PI."
"The rest of your life will suck if you only have it centered on your kids. Become a new you. Meet new people."
"Don't feel forced to remarry. Only when it's right. No matter how great the guy is, sometimes it's not a great idea to marry." - MissMurderpants
But a few empathized with the OP potentially needing the health insurance more than love.
"This is actually the exact reason people on disability can't get married. If they tie the knot, they lose their income even if the spouse can't make enough money to support them." - Hetakuoni
"I'm living with my 'husband.' We have two kids and have been together for over a decade. I'd love that piece of paper, but his insurance options would put us into bankruptcy because I have a chronic illness."
"Very well managed, but through state insurance, I have no copays and most of my prescriptions are covered fully. We are lucky our state does not have common-law marriage."
"Making the transition from lower class to middle class in the US is a barrier many cannot cross due to losing social benefits like food stamps and health insurance. You can end up more in the hole gainfully employed than not, and this is the f**king travesty that is the US class system." - Jovet_Hunter
"Yep, it's why I'll never marry. I can't afford it, and I need my health insurance. It sucks."
"Here in the US, if my boyfriend and I got married, I would lose all my disability and insurance. That's why we don't. I have a 14-year-old from a previous marriage, and I don't feel it's his responsibility to support him 100%, and child support isn't enough. Plus, the co-pays and deductibles on all the procedures I have done every year would be astronomical on his insurance."
"So we sat down and talked about it... Yes, communication! We decided we might get engaged someday just for the commitment aspect but not get married." - Extension-Ad-8893
While everyone could sympathize with the legal troubles that could get in the way of a marriage, most of the subReddit couldn't help but question the OP's motivations, ability to empathize, and work ethic.
Because it did seem that the priority was to stay available specifically to be supported by her ex-husband, who seemed like he was doing nothing but working hard, with no plans for pursuing another relationship.
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadn’t interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why can’t she just admit it?"
"I’m so glad I’m long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; it’s what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesn’t matter if it’s two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesn’t respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Don’t waste another minute of your life on an angry man. He’ll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesn’t need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didn’t know that I could just leave places that I didn’t feel safe in because it wasn’t an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do what’s best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.