Breakups are never easy.
Even if a couple ends their relationship on amicable terms, there is always going to be a large amount of emotional strain, as they were forced to admit that they weren't compatible partners.
Unfortunately, far too many relationships end on acrimonious terms, resulting in ongoing unpleasantness and animosity between the pair.
When Redditor AberStafsha ended their relationship, they thought that that chapter in their life was over.
Until shortly thereafter, the original poster (OP)'s ex brought numerous other people into their breakup, making serious accusations while doing so.
So slanderous were these accusations that the OP found themself forced to take fairly drastic measures.
After being told by some friends that they had gone too far, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for suing my ex?"
The OP explained that after their ex made very serious allegations against them in a highly public manner, the OP felt they had no other choice but to take legal action.
"So I dated a YouTuber."
"We went out for about a year and it was alright but they were so emotionally invested in their channel that they constantly neglected me and made me feel like I wasn't a priority."
"Not really important why we broke up, but we broke up."
"Then I get a bunch of messages from friends about 3 months later telling me to go to their channel."
"I'm pretty much done with them but I do and I realize they made a video about me where they claim I was emotionally abusive."
"I continued to get messages from strangers telling me how awful a person I was and how they hoped I died through various means."
"So I sued my ex."
"It ruined them."
"I knew they were financially in a bad spot and they likely couldn't afford court fees but the case dragged."
"They made a video about not being able to afford court costs and such and how it was going to ruin them."
"After which a bunch of friends started telling me to just let it go and move on but I had sunk money into the case as well."
"It wasn't cheap for me either so I didn't just let it go."
"Eventually the judge ruled in my favor and I received a total of nothing from my ex."
"But it meant I could link to the result in the comments section of every video she tried to frame me as the bad guy because in our state, court proceedings are public record."
"Suddenly her viewership dropped and she blamed me for ruining her life."
"A bunch of my friends said I went too far and should've just taken the court win and left her alone."
"Was I the a**hole?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
While the Reddit community was somewhat divided, with many agreeing that the OP was not the a**hole for suing their ex, but others less than convinced.
Many felt that the OP did, indeed, have no other choice than to sue after they put the OP into an emotionally and physically dangerous situation.
"NTA."
"Actions have consequences."
"Her 'content' could have ruined YOUR life, but nobody thinks about that huh?"- Nozxx
"NTA."
"The ex shouldn't be using a private relationship for youtube views, and deserves everything they got."- redditiscraptbh
"NTA."
"Don’t feel badly, part of enforcing a libel or slander suit is to publicize it so that the public record is corrected."- 2Tosties1Poutine
"NTA."
"That’s called liable."
"You were 100% in the right to sue her."- littlegremlinsparky
"NTA."
"She doesn’t think it’s her fault for you know slandering you?"- bagfullofbeers93
"NTA."
"But I'm confused, you won the case and she didn't have to take the video down?"
"What the hell kinda law/ruling is that?"- nightmonkey90
Others however were a little less convinced that the OP was as innocent as he seemed, and didn't feel comfortable making a judgment without more information.
"Uhhhhh... bro is there a chance you might have been actually abusive though?"
"Everyone here is saying NT.A but there’s really no context about what your relationship was like."
"What were some of the things she claimed you did/how do you refute that?"
"INFO."- bufallll
"This lacks a lot of the essential information."
"Just because the court found you innocent doesn't make it an objective truth."
"The reason why you broke up sounds more important to the story than it seems."- geekdetective
"To be fair, I kinda hope his ex will find this post and is gonna tell her side of the story."
"Because there's a lot of information missing here and OP is pretty vague about the whole situation."- eefjer85
"If there's a link about what the court ruled on, then I find that pretty relevant."
"Or at least, I doubt that a judge weighed in on whether or not OP was emotionally abusive."
"Or even if the judge ruled in favor of OP in a case of slander, which was not specified in the post."
"Very interested in what exactly OP sued for, because everyone is just assuming it's slander."
"Seems like he could've sued for her sharing personal info, which doesn't necessarily mean that what she said in the video was false."
"Also, I find it very curious that the result of this case was in OP's favor, but OP was awarded no damages."
"So a judge looked at what happened and decided that OP deserved no damages past just an acknowledgement that the YouTubing ex did do something wrong."
"Finally, the reason why OP and ex broke up seems like it might be pretty relevant."
"Seems like info on any of the above could make this a NTA, YTA, or ESH."
"Right now there are just too many blanks to fill in."- BIGoleICEBERG
"Why did you break up?"
"That’s going to play a big role on determining if this was slander or not."- sarahkazz
"Why did you break up? "
"You've only answered that the court ruled in your favor and that you view yourself as a good guy."
"It seems like you're deliberately not sharing pertinent details."- matcha-hatcha
"Did you ask your ex to take the video down and talk to her fans about harassment, or did you jump straight to suing?"- sharshenka
"You claim that the reason you broke up isn't important."
"I think it likely is."
"She says you were emotionally abusive, which is basically impossible to prove in court."
"And likely not what you were having to prove in your case at all in order to win it."
"I'm not saying you are."
"Or aren't."
"What I am saying is that you are basically saying that you aren't any of the things she claims, without saying what it was she claimed, without offering any explanation, and wanting everyone to be on your side."
"Seems to me where she likely f*cked up here was using your name."
"Did she use your name?"
"She must have if you won the suit and strangers were messaging you."- imaslayeraskmehow07
"Was there was no attempt to reconcile without a lawsuit first?"
"Why did you two break up?"- Kalel2319
"I think that the exact detail to decide whether or not OP is the a**hole is missing."
"What were actions that OP’s ex claimed he was abusive and of course what the details are of the court case."- Nice_try_though16
"Sorry but, was she lying in the video, or did she provide context to your relationship being abusive?"
"Did you try and warn her first that if you didn’t take it down, you would go for legal action?"
"You’re not the AH for her Youtube channel dying, but that part I think is more important here."-AndrewB493
"Not enough info."
"So, where you emotionally abusive?"
"What did the court rule in your favor?"
"That she couldn't prove you were emotionally abusive?"- akelew
While a select few felt that the OP's decision to leave out those important details suggested he must have been guilty, leading them to declare them the a**hole.
"You didn’t give the full story so how can anyone determine if you’re the AH."
"If you really were abusive, and you then went out of your way to ruin her life."
"You know what, I feel like an emotionally abusive person would be so vindictive as to do something like this."
"YTA."- SameSelection6
"I don’t think any of us can make a proper judgement and the people trying are wrong for it."
"I think that if you WERE emotionally abusive that she had every f*cking right to talk about it."
"Unless she straight up LIED about events outright then I think YTA."- PurpleDot0
Making false accusations against someone can cause irreparable damage to their lives, even if the accusations are later proven to be false.
Which makes the OP's decision to sue their ex completely valid.
If the accusations were, in fact, false, that is.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.